Recovery Nation

Lesson 1
1) actively committing yourself to change

I feel I was in a much more passive commitment the past few years. I’m actually really happy that during this passive time I was lucky to train with a teacher and learn vedic meditation. This has been happening for one year.

However, other than this…I was pretty passive. I was working up to step four in SLAA because I thought I “had to” not because I “want to”. And that was my issue with 12 steps. I feel I just truly never really gained any insight on life management skills from working the steps.

But I went because I didn’t know there were many other options…even though I found out about RN ten years ago and finished the lessons seven years ago.

I want to take every lesson, every detail, every thought…and ask myself…is the decision I’m going to make…is this based on my values or my emotions?

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change

I understand it’s easy to feel discouraged and overwhelmed, yet I’m not at this place anymore. It’s time to turn that guilt and shame and pain to a more active motivator.


3) allowing yourself time to change.

I agree. Time to change. But I want to complete the lessons and work through them in the amount of time expected to complete them. Not three years like it took me the first time, but about six months.


B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positive. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.

I want to live and die with integrity
I want to be an inspiration to others
I want to live with courage
I want to live honestly with myself
I want to live in peace
I want to truly love myself
I want to connect with others creatively and authentically
I want to be confident with myself
I want to trust myself
I want others to trust me
I want to be content
I want to live a fulfilling and satisfying life
I want to live to my greatest potential
I want to die happy
I want to forgive myself
I want to conquer this addiction to achieve my long term goal of writing and directing movies
I want to express the power of God through my creativity
I want God to live through me

C. One of the most powerful insights you can gain in establishing a foundation for permanent recovery is to come to see your addiction within the scope of your life span. In other words, to not just see your addiction as it is now, but to look across the span of your life to see the role that addiction has played in your development. Much of this will be explored throughout the workshop, but to put yourself in the right frame of mind to develop such a perception, do the following:
Find a picture of yourself when you were a small child. An innocent child. For those with early childhood sexual abuse issues, do not mistake this abuse for a lack of innocence. You were absolutely innocent. It will be hard to derive the full value from this exercise without an actual picture so if it is just a matter of needing to find one...wait. Wait until you have the picture in your hand. If such a picture does not exist, try envisioning a moment in your life when you were 3, 4...perhaps 5 years old — but only do this as a last resort. The power of this exercise rests in your ability to look into the eyes of your own innocence — something that is very hard to do through memory alone.
Now, with the picture in hand, look into that child's eyes. Feel their innocence. Acknowledge that this child is you at a point in your life. Feel how vulnerable you were. How trusting. Recognize the lack of addiction in your life...and the desire for little more than love, compassion, teaching and support. Think of the trauma you faced throughout your life. Think of the times when you felt alone. Confused. If you feel like it, cry for this child. Allow yourself to feel love for this child. Do whatever you must to emotionally connect with this child because it is for this child that you are now reclaiming your life. It is this child who lost their way and you are the one now showing the courage to guide this child, who is you, back to health.
If you would like, share your experience with this last exercise in your thread.

did this exercise --- it's helpful!




Lesson 2: Vision

When I see my vision…I see myself being one with my mind, body, spirit and soul. To live a fulfilling and satisfying life is to live with all of these components to their fullest potential. It is the way I want to live my life.

Body:

I want my body to be healthy and to be strong. We are what we eat, right? I want to consume healthy and nutritious foods. I do not want to poison my body with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, etc. because it is not how I envision living my life to its fullest potential.

In conjunction with eating healthy, it is important challenge my body physically. Workouts at the gym, taking camping trips to push my body, trying new sports and activities, perhaps competing in a race. It’s les about the competition and more about pushing my body to its limits.

Mind:

I need to be intellectually challenged in everything I do. A part of intellectual stimulation is to be engaging in challenges I care about. For example, screenwriting is perhaps the most intellectually challenging field I’ve ever encountered. The structure and the simplicity to make compelling stories is so incredibly challenging, ye the reward in tracking my progress is outstanding. I love it. The processs is never ending because you can always become a stronger writer.

I envision myself writing simple, yet engaging and compelling stories.

However, it’s not just my career…but also finding challenging opportunities in my day job, which feels more based in challenges with politics at the moment than the material.

I want to meet people and develop friendships and relationships that are intellectually stimulating…where I can have meaningful and authentic conversations.

I also want to continue my growth in maximizing the power of my subconscious. If I can continue to unlock the power of my subconscious, I change my life.

I also want to be unlocking my intelligence for emotional management, improving organizational skills, financial management…all of this is under the maximization of mind.


Spirit:

The most important and simple one I have. The universe is big. I believe we are all connected together. I tap into this connection when I meditate. I want to continue to develop my spirit by mastering vedic meditation that I practice. When I unlock this key, I will unlock the key to my subconscious, which will unlock the powers of my mind.

It all begins and ends with my spirit. Prayer is another tool I’ve recently started to connect with spirit and subconscious. It’s all interconnected, yet all needed for my growth.

Soul:

My soul is my connection to others. Creatively. Friendship. Family. Future partner. It’s all connected to my soul. My soul desires to unlock the power of my spirit through meditation and the power of my mind through prayer.

It is my soul that yearns for deep, genuine connections, vulnerability, and intimacy.

It is my soul that wants to give back to the world…and to share my creativity with others. It is my soul that wants to be a good friend. To be real. To be honest and authentic. To be committed. To be a hard worker.

I connect these components all together --- mind, body, spirit, and soul. When I do --- then I’ll live a fulfilling and satisfying life. However, there’s one more piece that aligns them all together.

It’s commitment. Commitment to my mind. Commitment to my body. Commitment to my spirit. Commitment to my soul.

I can achieve my vision only when I commit to myself. To my vision and values.





Coach Mel’s Vision “How To” exercises:

1) Start at the end

At my own funeral, I hope that I am remembered for…inspiring others. For following through on using my creativity, my connection with God / spirituality, and my courage to create movies that are…meaningful and emotions…and brings people together…and also being able to share a perspective of the world they’ve never seen before.

I hope that I’m remembered not just for bringing people together through movies…but connecting to those who I spent time with in my life…having deep and meaningful relationships with family and friends. I am trust worthy and I’m someone people feel comfortable sharing their feelings and their thoughts with. I am someone who they can count on to be there. Who takes his relationships seriously and is also just fun and a joy to be with. I am selfless at times and a good friend.

I also want to be remembered for my connection with God and spirituality in balancing my life. That a commitment to oneself is a commitment to a higher power…whatever you may define this as…but that I believe there is something that binds us together…and that a commitment to that relationship is at an utmost importance to reach your full potential.

And finally…I’m someone who never gives up. I always reach for one step higher because the biggest regret is untapped potential…we’re capable of so much more if we simply commit to ourselves.

To also be known as someone who lives with integrity. Someone who is committed to himself and to his responsibilities. Who shows up when he says he will…and he has the honesty to admit his weaknesses.

Courage. I want to die with courage because I want to be known for diving deep into my fears and sitting with them….and for recognizing it is not until I conquer myself that I can conquer my wants and goals.

Kind. I want to be known as kind in the relationships I’m in. Whether it is committing to one person for the rest of my life, or family…I want to be known as being able to listen with an open heart and less judgement. For showing company and empathy for others who need it. And to be someone others know I have an open ear…not a critical one but one of understanding.

Commitment. No matter what I do…I am committed. I have a job I’m not crazy for? I commit. I have a class I’m enrolled in? I commit. I want to be known as someone who is trustworthy.

Brave. I want to be known as brave for diving into my fears and finding a way how to stay with them until I own them and they don’t own me. No one says I will own them…but I want to take that leap of faith.

Who would be at my funeral? I don’t know. Perhaps a wife? A few friends? Maybe a son or a daughter. I’m not as concerned who will be there…and more about what is spoken…


2) Start at the beginning

Who was I as a child? Before I knew about addiction? I remember some things I enjoyed doing was acting. I was about eight years old and I remember I was the lead role for this play that was played in this town center. I remember seeing my face in the local newspaper for the play and how happy I looked.

I looked so happy. That this is who I am and I do not need to apologize for being me.

I also remembered I loved my tiny bedroom when I was eight. It had everything I wanted and it was so cute.

I used to love to read fantasy novels. “Watership Down” was one of my favorite books as a child and I remember reading it in my tiny bedroom on a rainy summer day.

As I grew older, I would out on these little adventures in town.

I would love biking to the beach. It was about five miles away and I did this when I was about fourteen or fifteen…I may have started when I was younger.

I loved to spend time with my brother. He was my best friend. We would play videogames a lot. But now that I think of it…a lot of times I would just watch him play…but it was more about enjoying time together than the actual videogames.

I remember going on this church retreat and just going running…just running in the woods. I think it was a group run, but I remember feeling so tired I thought I was back home in my local town, when I was actually on this retreat…but I was just so tired from running, yet I felt so alive.

I remember one time I imagined myself wanting to be a rock start. Another a lawyer because of walking around a city with my mom and seeing all of these men dressed up in suits…and my mom told me they were lawyers.

Yet I don’t really think I entertained the idea of wanting to work in movies. I know I enjoyed acting…and I wish my parents saw me more for enjoying to do that.

I remember being on a bike in preschool during playtime. I loved it. It was blue, and I could pedal around the lunch area…it was great.

I don’t know if I had a favorite subject at school. I don’t think I enjoyed school too much.

I remember in third grade…I wrote on a sheet of paper…a note to myself…”I’m a loser” or “I’m stupid”…I remember my teacher calling my mom on a Saturday morning and telling my mom about it. I remember looking up to see my mom’s face…but not remembering what I told her.

It’s almost as if my mom found a secret about me…and like I made a decision within myself to…keep these secrets separate from the rest of the world…or from my parents.

I remember I enjoyed writing.

I loved the feeling of winning this running race when I was eight years old. I loved going to the beach and being in the ocean all day long. I loved the water…going boogie boarding and just floating in the waves.

I remember I was really good friends with this one pre schooler girl and we played maked believe we would get married in her bedroom while watching Barnie.

It’s like…at times I wasn’t there? But I gained the most enjoyment from reading fantasy stories or going out on my own adventures…whether it was biking in preschool, spending time with my brother, or biking to the beach when I was older.

Ya I definitely did not enjoy school…felt I was picked on at times…and found myself crying…and I would get overwhelmed and I would just shut down. I didn’t enjoy…feeling like my father controlled me…and my point of view was not…acknowledged. Like one time I did not want to throw something away in the trash but I needed to obey or else face the consequences…like there wasn’t any space for mistakes to grow as the youngest child. I always was protected and didn’t have the space to figure out what I wanted…or to be supported for what I care about.

I didn’t like…feeling like I needed to put a mask on to protect myself from others because of feeling like I would be hurt if I showed myself…which is what I did after being bullied.

I remember once hiding behind the TV shelf hoping for my family to find me…to just let me know that they cared. It’s like I needed validation that they loved me…like I just didn’t feel it deep inside or believe it myself.

3) Your Ideal Self

Well I know creating inspires me…using a camera…or just creating something in my mind that would be great to do. I know my ability to create things visually has always been my strength, yet it’s sad because it’s a gift that I only know about. I was just watching on Netflix about this man’s life who ended tragically, and I started to wonder what would people say about me if I died? That I loved movies? I don’t know when I’ll die, but it would be my goal to create for the world…to experience life through my perspective that I view the world….that would be ideal.

My ideal self would be someone who is a fully realized being. Fully realized creatively (professionally). Satisfying and fulfilling relationships. In tune with my spirit. My body physically and nutrition wise.

But most importantly…to be able to share myself….and to show my creative ability through story telling…that would be my ideal self.

4) Your Dream Life

My dream life? It would be live in an area that is connected with nature…where I have as much as I need…and my needs are not based on material possessions…but are based in valuing relationships, health, creativity, spirituality, adventure, and things like that.

The one thing that I could do every day and never get tired of? Well that’s meditating…because I’m not tired of it, even though I do it every day.

I know when I directed two actors years ago for a short film…that was one of my favorite days of my entire life. There was something about capturing this emotion and energy that was so thrilling…there is just nothing more beautiful than working and collaborating with others to make something authentic and real that will connect with others. I don’t know if I can do that every day because it’s emotionally draining…but it’s the one thing where I was felt at peace…like I was in my space…and there’s nothing more powerful than that.

I prefer directing more than writing because writing is too easy to isolate and get lost in what is real versus what is not real. But collaborating with others…you just become immersed in creating something together and it can be just a wonder to see where things can take you.

I do want a partner I can spend time with. Someone who I connect with spiritually…and who understands me…and we can explore the world together. If she’s involved in creativity as well…then that would be great…but I would like to know that I have the capacity to build a healthy and enduring relationship with someone who doesn’t just want to work in movies…just someone who understands the importance of hard work, is connected with something that makes her grounded spiritually, is kind, empathetic, values family and relationships, etc.

I don’t want to be alone forever…as my father fears. It would not be a fulfilling life if I just created all of these things…yet at the end of the day…I don’t have genuine or enduring relationships in my life.

About why? In all of this? I genuinely believe there is something that binds us all together. That connects us. That is more real than the money in our checking accounts or cars in our driveways. There is a force that wants us to experience life…and to experience it…you cannot see it. You have to feel it.

That is why I need to continue down my path for making movies because I believe…I know I have the ability to show these connections…those emotions that we experience…and we don’t know why….but we do…and I want to connect with someone / those that believe this is found when we connect something spiritually…whether it is found in nature or meditation.

I would give up all of the luxuries in the world to just connect with things we cannot see…and to find this in nature, meditation, creativity, relationships, etc. because these are things that I want to build my life on.


5) Values Inventory


Creativity, Artistry, Beauty, Majesty Career (mindedness) Ability Authenticity Brilliance, Accomplishment, Achievement, Acknowledgment, Advancement Ambition Amazement Devotion Destiny Dreaming Capability Expressiveness Fascination Making a Difference, Ingenuity, Initiative, Innovation, Introversion Inspiration Sensitivity Mysteriousness Originality Vision, Visionariness Inventiveness Imagination Wonder Passion Specialness Purpose Extraordinariness Legacy Contribution Uniqueness, Impact, Importance, Admiration Satisfaction Significance Victory Appreciation Success Professionalism Distinction Recognition Potency Skillfulness Mastery Expertise

Commitment Integrity Dedication Diligence Dependability Drive Consistency Dutifulness Discipline Credibility Endeavor Motivation Proactivity Reliability Thoroughness Tenacity Thoughtfulness Intensity Determination Resolution Firmness Conviction Quality Excellence Exceptionality Meticulousness Comprehensiveness Being the/your best Honesty Honor Truth, Truthfulness, Trust, Trustworthiness Virtue Sincerity Decency Dignity

Spirituality Spirit Clear-mindedness, Confidence Beliefs Composure Calmness Balance Being Consciousness Assertiveness Competence Choice Clarity Coolness Emotional maturity Decisiveness Direction Faith Feeling(s) Flexibility, Flow, Fluency Agility Completion Harmony Gratitude Guidance Thankfulness Fierceness Empowerment Esteem Intuitiveness Holistic, Holism Stillness Tranquility, Transcendence, Transformation Love Heart Hopefulness Power Reflection Quietude Mindfulness Solidarity Serenity Peace Rest Self-actualization Solitude Self-esteem, Silence Quietism Contentment Cognizance Presence Poise Maturity Soundness Equinamity Restfulness Worthiness Conscience Saintliness Unflappability Attentiveness

Adventure Fun Energy Enjoyment Entertainment Discovery Delight Excitement Happiness Experience Indulgence Recreation Relaxation Worldliness Quirkiness Silliness Bliss Humor Spontaneity Buoyancy Hope Pleasantness Sanguine Diversity Comfort Surprise Zeal Zest Youthfulness Liveliness Liberation Liberty Eagerness Optimism Nostalgia Zaniness Wackiness Wittiness Mellowness Experimenting Variety Keenness Encouragement Openness Open-Mindedness Extroversion Likability Friendliness, Approachability

Connection Conversation Sharing Empathy Frankness Friendship Compromise Directness Family Blunt Communication Articulacy Camaraderie Community Compassion Helpfulness Accommodating Support Punctuality Benevolence Courteousness Belonging Companionship Conscientiousness Consideration Cooperation Candor Cordiality Collaboration Diplomacy Understanding Sympathy Altruism Conviviality Magnanimity Marriage Loyalty Fidelity Kindness Kindheartedness Faithfulness Warmth Partnership Teamwork Tolerance Selflessness Sexuality Adoration Synergy Desire Unity Security Pleasure Playfulness Intimacy Privacy Sensuality Yearning Affection Charm Closeness Bonding Compatibility Caring Relationship Civility Charity Philanthropy Humanitarianism Giving Hospitality Service Communion Generosity Grace Mercy Amnesty

Evolution Building Continuous growth, Growth Acquiring Personal Growth Learning Progress
Expansion Change Adaptability Curiosity Systemization Structure Timeliness Usefulness Self-control Stability Logic Normality Detachment Efficiency Utilitarianism Preparedness Concentration Focus Effectiveness Industriousness Precision Maximization Realism, Reason, Problem-Solving Moderation Methodology Practicality Discernment Kaizen Dexterity Shrewdness Fairness Pragmatism Dynamism Impartiality Perceptiveness Carefulness Judiciousness Sagacity Justice Refinement Reasonableness Resolve Closure

Courage, Bravery Boldness Character Daring Endurance Grit Fearlessness Heroism Rigor Perseverance Persistence Invulnerability Resilience Leadership Sacrifice Fortitude Gallantry Strength Intrepidness Spunk Valor Nerve Protection Willpower Willingness Challenge

Autonomy Minimalism Self-reliance, Independence, Individuality Freedom Depth Craftiness Resourcefulness Enterprising Finances Frugality Thrift Prosperity Modesty Simplicity Order, Organization, Neatness Prudence Tradition Health Activeness Fitness Nutrition Healthfulness Vigor Vitality Temperance Cleanliness Hygiene Self-care Tidiness Conservation Knowledge Academics Education Intelligence Wisdom Wealth Inquisitiveness Insightfulness, Earnestness Self-respect Respect Reverence


6) Domains

Creativity – professional
Screenwriting workshops
Reading scripts
Watching movies - screenwriting analysis
Watching movies – directing analysis
Writing short
Writing features
Shooting short
Film festival
Shooting feature
Listening to directing podcasts
Mastering writing process
Character building / exploration
Collaborating
Rewriting process

Creativity - hobbies
Writing poetry
Journaling
Watching movies
Playing guitar
Photography
Drawing
Painting
Singing
Editing

Spirituality
Vedic meditation
Vedic meditation retreat
Vedic meditation class
Prayer
Reading on learning power of prayer
Vedic meditation accessories?

Family
Brother
Sister
Mom
Father
Nephew
Sister in law
Brother in law
Uncle close by
Cousin close by
Aunt in law close by

Friends
College friends
Friends in current city
Highschool friends
Co-workers
Neighbors

Commitments
Job
Friendships
Family
Working out
Meditation
Nutrition
Creativity / writing
Health / self-care

Physical health
Working out
Hiking
Camping
Meal prep
New cooking recipes
Skin care
Body care
BMI measurement / tracking

Romantic relationship
future partner…

Autonomy
Process improvement
Bills
Errands
Tidiness
Financial security
Investing
Financial planning
Budget allocation
Cost reduction
Digital minimalist
Material minimalist


Lesson 3: Values

Universal values --- extracted from value inventory exercise for vision…

Creativity, Artistry, Beauty, Majesty Career (mindedness) Ability Authenticity Brilliance, Accomplishment, Achievement, Acknowledgment, Advancement Ambition Amazement Devotion Destiny Dreaming Capability Expressiveness Fascination Making a Difference, Ingenuity, Initiative, Innovation, Introversion Inspiration Sensitivity Mysteriousness Originality Vision, Visionariness Inventiveness Imagination Wonder Passion Specialness Purpose Extraordinariness Legacy Contribution Uniqueness, Impact, Importance, Admiration Satisfaction Significance Victory Appreciation Success Professionalism Distinction Recognition Potency Skillfulness Mastery Expertise

Commitment Integrity Dedication Diligence Dependability Drive Consistency Dutifulness Discipline Credibility Endeavor Motivation Proactivity Reliability Thoroughness Tenacity Thoughtfulness Intensity Determination Resolution Firmness Conviction Quality Excellence Exceptionality Meticulousness Comprehensiveness Being the/your best Honesty Honor Truth, Truthfulness, Trust, Trustworthiness Virtue Sincerity Decency Dignity

Spirituality Spirit Clear-mindedness, Confidence Beliefs Composure Calmness Balance Being Consciousness Assertiveness Competence Choice Clarity Coolness Emotional maturity Decisiveness Direction Faith Feeling(s) Flexibility, Flow, Fluency Agility Completion Harmony Gratitude Guidance Thankfulness Fierceness Empowerment Esteem Intuitiveness Holistic, Holism Stillness Tranquility, Transcendence, Transformation Love Heart Hopefulness Power Reflection Quietude Mindfulness Solidarity Serenity Peace Rest Self-actualization Solitude Self-esteem, Silence Quietism Contentment Cognizance Presence Poise Maturity Soundness Equinamity Restfulness Worthiness Conscience Saintliness Unflappability Attentiveness

Adventure Fun Energy Enjoyment Entertainment Discovery Delight Excitement Happiness Experience Indulgence Recreation Relaxation Worldliness Quirkiness Silliness Bliss Humor Spontaneity Buoyancy Hope Pleasantness Sanguine Diversity Comfort Surprise Zeal Zest Youthfulness Liveliness Liberation Liberty Eagerness Optimism Nostalgia Zaniness Wackiness Wittiness Mellowness Experimenting Variety Keenness Encouragement Openness Open-Mindedness Extroversion Likability Friendliness, Approachability

Connection Conversation Sharing Empathy Frankness Friendship Compromise Directness Family Blunt Communication Articulacy Camaraderie Community Compassion Helpfulness Accommodating Support Punctuality Benevolence Courteousness Belonging Companionship Conscientiousness Consideration Cooperation Candor Cordiality Collaboration Diplomacy Understanding Sympathy Altruism Conviviality Magnanimity Marriage Loyalty Fidelity Kindness Kindheartedness Faithfulness Warmth Partnership Teamwork Tolerance Selflessness Sexuality Adoration Synergy Desire Unity Security Pleasure Playfulness Intimacy Privacy Sensuality Yearning Affection Charm Closeness Bonding Compatibility Caring Relationship Civility Charity Philanthropy Humanitarianism Giving Hospitality Service Communion Generosity Grace Mercy Amnesty Listener



Evolution Building Continuous growth, Growth Acquiring Personal Growth Learning Progress
Expansion Change Adaptability Curiosity Systemization Structure Timeliness Usefulness Self-control Stability Logic Normality Detachment Efficiency Utilitarianism Preparedness Concentration Focus Effectiveness Industriousness Precision Maximization Realism, Reason, Problem-Solving Moderation Methodology Practicality Discernment Kaizen Dexterity Shrewdness Fairness Pragmatism Dynamism Impartiality Perceptiveness Carefulness Judiciousness Sagacity Justice Refinement Reasonableness Resolve Closure

Courage, Bravery Boldness Character Daring Endurance Grit Fearlessness Heroism Rigor Perseverance Persistence Invulnerability Resilience Leadership Sacrifice Fortitude Gallantry Strength Intrepidness Spunk Valor Nerve Protection Willpower Willingness Challenge

Autonomy Minimalism Self-reliance, Independence, Individuality Freedom Depth Craftiness Resourcefulness Enterprising Finances Frugality Thrift Prosperity Modesty Simplicity Order, Organization, Neatness Prudence Tradition Health Activeness Fitness Nutrition Healthfulness Vigor Vitality Temperance Cleanliness Hygiene Self-care Tidiness Conservation Knowledge Academics Education Intelligence Wisdom Wealth Inquisitiveness Insightfulness, Earnestness Self-respect Respect Reverence


Practical values

Strengthening vedic meditation technique
Committing to vedic meditation group sessions
Strengthening prayer technique
Strengthening commitment to God
Strengthening relationship with Kalinda
Strengthening relationship with Mom
Strengthening relationship with Dad
Strengthening relationship with Berto
Strengthening relationship with Tony
Strengthening relationship with Ruben
Strengthening relationship with Kento
Strengthening relationship with college friends
Strengthening relationship with high school friends
Strengthening relationship with co-workers
Strengthening relationship with boss
Strengthening friendship with Dasha and Olivia
Strengthening friendship with Neil
Strengthening friendship with SLAA members
Strengthening relationship with friends in current city
Strengthening friendships within LGBTQ community
Volunteering within the LGBTQ community
Volunteering within the Asperger community
Putting myself out there in terms of dating
Strengthening dating plan
Committing to social events for prospective dating
Committing to dating
Letting go of unrealistic expectations when dating
Learning to manage emotions when feel rejected
Developing emotional intimacy and vulnerability in a committed relationship
Expressing physical intimacy in a committed relationship
Committing to a long term healthy monogamous relationship
Redeveloping a healthy sexuality
Relearning sex in a long term healthy monogamous relationship
Developing long term financial plan
Strengthening budget allocation skills
Develop strategies for financial investment
Learning about purchasing property (condo, apartment, home)
Developing strategies to decrease expenses
Improving time management and organizational skills at work
Strengthening commitment to my job
Strengthening efficiency at my job
Improving time management and organizational skills at home
Strengthening efficiency and focus skills
Improving house cleaning skills
Develop skills utilizing bullet journal
Developing and managing minimalist lifestyle regarding material items
Developing and managing minimalist lifestyle regarding digital items
Learning mindfulness techniques
Developing habituation of positive thinking
Practicing hypnosis
Connecting with subconscious to change negative thoughts to positive thoughts
Developing confidence
Strengthening emotional management skills
Strengthening skills with writing gratitude list
Studying and reading self-help books (that I WANT to read)
Strengthening repertoire of healthy recipes
Strengthening commitment to eating healthy
Strengthening commitment to my physical health
Committing to working out
Learning new working out routines for lifestyle
Developing camping skills
Competing in a physical competition
Strengthening lifting techniques
Strengthening skills for environmentally friendly lifestyle
Mastering screenwriting tools for class
Strengthening screenwriting skills and process
Strengthening screenwriting skills by analyzing movies
Strengthening screenwriting skills by analyzing scripts
Writing short film scripts to strengthen portfolio
Writing feature film scripts to strengthen portfolio
Learning how to shoot a movie on a micro-budget
Strengthening skills for video editing
Strengthening skills for cinematography
Directing feature films
Directing short films to strengthen portfolio
Submitting feature film to film festivals
Submitting short film to film festivals
Strengthening skin care routine
Reading fantasy books
Strengthening writing and grammar skills
Strengthening vocabulary
Learning a language ie. Japanese
Strengthening photography skills
Strengthening skills playing guitar
Setting time for an adventure (photography, biking, exploring outdoors)
Setting time for relaxation (planning to do nothing ie. pizza & movies)



Dark side
Immediate high
To be accepted
To be loved
To escape
To be in fantasy
To avoid life
To avoid rejection
To avoid problems
To avoid feelings
To avoid thinking
To achieve immediate gratification
To gain confidence
To be powerful
To be respected
To accept false perspective “will be alone forever”
To falsely believe this is better than “being alone forever”
To falsely believe this is the only way to be loved
To falsely believe this is the only way to be accepted
To falsely believe no one loved me or will love me
To falsely believe I’m not worthy of love
To falsely believe I’m worthless
To feel good
To manage stress relatively quickly
To “check out”
“Only live once” mentality
To falsely connect with others
To avoid boredom
To entertain myself
To stimulate my mind immediately
To avoid feelings
To false believe “living life to the fullest = living on edge”
To falsely FEEL ALIVE
To destroy my sense of self
To get a hit
To make memories
To excite myself
To do something dangerous
To live via adrenaline rush
To feel aroused
To feel my heart racing
To manage stress
To REWARD myself via orgasm
To fantasize about saving another lost soul
To avoid feeling alone
To avoid feeling isolated




Lesson 4: Prioritizing values

Spirituality
Screenwriting
Commitment
Evolution
Directing
Dating
Family
Friends
Physical health
Nutrition
Organization
Finances
Creativity
Autonomy
Adventure
Minimalism
Mastering screenwriting tools for class
Committing to social events for prospective dating
Strengthening dating plan
Strengthening repertoire of healthy recipes
Strengthening commitment to eating healthy
Strengthening commitment to working out
Strengthening commitment to my physical health
Strengthening vedic meditation technique
Committing to vedic meditation group sessions
Strengthening prayer technique
Strengthening commitment to my job
Developing long term financial plan
Strengthening budget allocation skills
Strengthening relationship with Dad
Strengthening relationship with Ruben
Strengthening relationship with Kento
Strengthening friendship with Dasha and Olivia
Strengthening friendship with Neil
Strengthening relationship with friends in current city
Improving house cleaning skills
Frugality
Strengthening friendship with SLAA members
Strengthening commitment to God
Strengthening relationship with Kalinda
Strengthening relationship with Mom
Strengthening relationship with Berto
Strengthening relationship with Tony
Strengthening relationship with college friends
Equinamity
Dedication
Trustworthiness
Honesty
Consciousness
Developing confidence
Courage
Improving time management and organizational skills
Strengthening screenwriting skills by analyzing movies
Strengthening screenwriting skills by analyzing scripts
Strengthening screenwriting skills and process
Writing short film scripts to strengthen portfolio
Writing feature film scripts to strengthen portfolio
Learning how to shoot a movie on a micro-budget
Developing strategies to decrease expenses
Artistry Beauty, Majesty Career (mindedness) Ability Authenticity Brilliance, Accomplishment, Achievement, Acknowledgment, Advancement Ambition Amazement Devotion Destiny Dreaming Capability Expressiveness Fascination Making a Difference, Ingenuity, Initiative, Innovation, Introversion Inspiration Sensitivity Mysteriousness Originality Vision, Visionariness Inventiveness Imagination Wonder Passion Specialness Purpose Extraordinariness Legacy Contribution Uniqueness, Impact, Importance, Admiration Satisfaction Significance Victory Appreciation Success Professionalism Distinction Recognition Potency Skillfulness Expertise
Integrity Diligence Dependability Drive Consistency Dutifulness Discipline Credibility Endeavor Motivation Proactivity Reliability Thoroughness Tenacity Thoughtfulness Intensity Determination Resolution Firmness Conviction Quality Excellence Exceptionality Meticulousness Comprehensiveness Being the/your best Honor Truth, Truthfulness, Trust Mastery
Virtue Sincerity Decency Dignity
Strengthening skills for video editing
Strengthening skills for cinematography
Directing feature films
Directing short films to strengthen portfolio
Submitting feature film to film festivals
Submitting short film to film festivals
Developing habituation of positive thinking
Connecting with subconscious to change negative thoughts to positive thoughts
Letting go of unrealistic expectations when dating
Learning to manage emotions when feel rejected
Strengthening emotional management skills
Learning mindfulness techniques
Strengthening efficiency at my job
Strengthening efficiency and focus skills
Developing emotional intimacy and vulnerability in a committed relationship
Expressing physical intimacy in a committed relationship
Committing to a long term healthy monogamous relationship
Redeveloping a healthy sexuality
Develop strategies for financial investment
Learning about purchasing property (condo, apartment, home)
Connection Conversation Sharing Empathy Frankness Friendship Compromise Directness Family Communication Articulacy Camaraderie Community Compassion Helpfulness Accommodating Support Punctuality Benevolence Courteousness Belonging Companionship Conscientiousness Consideration Cooperation Collaboration Diplomacy Understanding Sympathy Altruism Conviviality Magnanimity Marriage Loyalty Fidelity Kindness Kindheartedness Faithfulness Warmth Partnership Teamwork Tolerance Selflessness Sexuality Adoration Synergy Desire Unity Security Pleasure Playfulness Intimacy Privacy Sensuality Yearning Affection Charm Closeness Bonding Compatibility Caring
Bravery Boldness Character Daring Endurance Grit Fearlessness Heroism Rigor Perseverance Persistence Invulnerability Resilience Leadership Sacrifice Fortitude Gallantry Strength Intrepidness Spunk Valor Nerve Protection Willpower Willingness Challenge
Relearning sex in a long term healthy monogamous relationship
Developing and managing minimalist lifestyle regarding material items
Developing and managing minimalist lifestyle regarding digital items
Self-reliance, Independence, Individuality Freedom Depth Craftiness Resourcefulness Enterprising Thrift Prosperity Modesty Simplicity Order, , Neatness Prudence Tradition Health Activeness Fitness Nutrition Healthfulness Vigor Vitality Temperance Cleanliness Hygiene Self-care Tidiness Conservation Knowledge Academics Education Intelligence Wisdom Inquisitiveness Insightfulness, Earnestness Self-respect Respect Reverence
Practicing hypnosis
Strengthening skills with writing gratitude list
Studying and reading self-help books (that I WANT to read)
Learning new working out routines for lifestyle
Strengthening lifting techniques
Strengthening skills for environmentally friendly lifestyle
Developing camping skills
Competing in a physical competition
Strengthening relationship with co-workers
Strengthening relationship with boss
Strengthening relationship with high school friends
Strengthening skin care routine
Spirit Clear-mindedness, Beliefs Composure Calmness Balance Being Assertiveness Competence Choice Clarity Coolness Emotional maturity Decisiveness Direction Faith Feeling(s) Flexibility, Flow, Fluency Agility Completion Harmony Gratitude Guidance Thankfulness Fierceness Empowerment Esteem Intuitiveness Holistic, Holism Stillness Tranquility, Transcendence, Transformation Love Heart Hopefulness Power Reflection Quietude Mindfulness Solidarity Serenity Peace Rest Self-actualization Solitude Self-esteem, Silence Quietism Contentment Cognizance Presence Poise Maturity Soundness Restfulness Worthiness Conscience Saintliness Unflappability Attentiveness
Building Continuous growth, Growth Acquiring Personal Growth Learning Progress
Expansion Change Adaptability Curiosity Systemization Structure Timeliness Usefulness Self-control Stability Logic Normality Detachment Efficiency Utilitarianism Preparedness Concentration Focus Effectiveness Industriousness Precision Maximization Realism, Reason, Problem-Solving Moderation Methodology Practicality Discernment Kaizen Dexterity Shrewdness Fairness Pragmatism Dynamism Impartiality Perceptiveness Carefulness Judiciousness Sagacity Justice Refinement Reasonableness Resolve Closure
Fun Energy Enjoyment Entertainment Discovery Delight Excitement Happiness Experience Indulgence Recreation Relaxation Worldliness Quirkiness Silliness Bliss Humor Spontaneity Buoyancy Hope Pleasantness Sanguine Diversity Comfort Surprise Zeal Zest Youthfulness Liveliness Liberation Liberty Eagerness Optimism Nostalgia Zaniness Wittiness Experimenting Variety Keenness Encouragement Openness Open-Mindedness Extroversion Likability Friendliness,
Reading fantasy books
Strengthening writing and grammar skills
Strengthening vocabulary
Civility
Charity
Philanthropy
Humanitarianism
Giving
Hospitality
Service
Communion
Generosity
Grace
Mercy
Amnesty
Listener
Learning a language ie. Japanese
Strengthening photography skills
Strengthening skills playing guitar
Setting time for an adventure (photography, biking, exploring outdoors)
Setting time for relaxation (planning to do nothing ie. pizza & movies)
Strengthening friendships within LGBTQ community
Volunteering within the LGBTQ community
Volunteering within the Asperger community
Approachability
Wackiness
Mellowness
Blunt
Candor
Cordiality
Wealth



Lesson 5 – Identifying incongruent values

1. Spirituality
2. Screenwriting
3. Commitment
4. Evolution
5. Organization
6. Directing
7. Dating
8. Family
9. Friends
10. Physical health
11. Nutrition
12. Finances
13. Fun
14. Adventure
15. Autonomy

Thank you, Anon!

Lessons 6 & 7

Spirituality
Strengthening vedic meditation technique
 action step: continue daily meditation
Anticipation of reality: <3
 action step: attending another vedic meditation group session in the next three months
Anticipation of reality: May not want to wake up early to attend session

Remind myself just to attend to see if it’s a good fit --- the more knowledge I gain from the technique --- the more I can apply to my daily practice…Also to remember that I only meditate because I attended a weekend training session a year ago

Strengthening prayer technique
 action step: weekly reading of “the power of your subconscious mind”
Anticipation of reality: May not want to read at times…remember the knowledge that I’ve gained and the insights from changing technique of prayer is due to reading this book!


Screenwriting
Mastering screenwriting tools for class
 action step: continue daily writing practice and process improvement
Anticipation of reality: I’ve only learned so much because I make this my biggest priority. Continue to focus on this, and your confidence in using the tools, and writing will be stronger / better.

Strengthening screenwriting skills by analyzing movies
 action step: after finish with current class…re-watch Godfather and breakdown structure
Anticipation of reality: A part of me may not want to do this just for time, yet it’s vitally important to remember that I’ve been learning so much when I’ve been applying the tools to actual movies

Strengthening screenwriting skills by analyzing scripts
 action step: make a note to read a script sent to you by your friend N
Anticipation of reality: may not want to do it because I don’t have “time”. Remember that you’re able to learn so much by seeing what works in scripts and what doesn’t work in scripts by reading
The more you’re able to apply this process, the quicker you’ll turn things around

Strengthening screenwriting skills and process
Writing short film scripts to strengthen portfolio
 action step: consider rewriting draft of horror short
Anticipation of reality: may feel like I don’t have “time” and I’ll feel scared to write this --- remember that only through challenging yourself you’re able to grow

Writing feature film scripts to strengthen portfolio
 action step: to develop and write feature draft of drama
Anticipation of reality: Absolutely terrified and excited at the same time to write something so meaningful to me
Remember that it is only when you master these tools then you’ll give yourself the best chance of a successful script

Strengthening screenwriting skills
 action step: Watch screenwriting video lectures in between sessions
Anticipation of reality: May feel resistant to watch these really important videos, and not want to because it’s not part of the current course I’m taking…yet remember that the class you took on these videos last year is why you’ll be writing the feature drama in the future


Commitment
Strengthening commitment to my job
 action step: when at work --- FOCUS on work
Anticipation of reality: It’s easy to just feel sad and depressed about my job because I’m not screenwriting…but it’s really important to remember that it gives you the life to pursue what really matters to you

And it’s important to remember that it’s my commitment to my job that will ultimately allow me to --- accomplish more during the day, improve my self-esteem, and give myself the time to focus on what really matters

 action step: arrive by office at no later than 15 mins when work starts
Anticipation of reality: may feel resistant to be at work on or around start time instead of later…but this will be important so I don’t feel like I’m behind and I’m on top of things…even though I don’t get in trouble…it doesn’t reflect great on my “commitment” to continue to arrive later than most…regardless that my boss does too…don’t need to justify your actions b/c your boss is who he is

Improving time management and organizational skills at work
 action step: possibly touch base with life coach to have a refresher on organizational system at work / redevelop system myself?
Anticipation of reality: I may feel annoyed doing this, but if it will help me improve my performance then so be it

Strengthening relationship with boss
 action step: continue to do what he wants, even though you may disagree with his decisions
Anticipation of reality: It’s easy to be passive aggressive due to him being a poor manager, yet remember why you’re here at this job. Accept him for his weaknesses and remember his strengths…it would also be helpful to compliment him for some things that he has helped you with


Evolution
Strengthening emotional management skills
 action step: finish listening to “choice to choose” self-help audiobook
Anticipation of reality: I may feel resistant to want to listen to it completely, but remember what you’re gaining from it! It’s been a great supplement

Developing habituation of positive thinking
 action step: continue writing and verbalizing daily positive affirmations
Anticipation of reality: it feels like I’m in a workout room within my mind and I want to leave :( it feels uncomfortable at times because I hear these negative voices after I do them, but that should only be a reminder that you’re fighting back against them…so it’s good :) and they WILL go away over time if you continue the concentrated, focused positive affirmations daily

Studying and reading self-help books (that I WANT to read)
Practicing hypnosis
Strengthening skills with writing gratitude list
Learning mindfulness techniques
Connecting with subconscious to change negative thoughts to positive thoughts
Developing confidence

Organization
Improving time management and organizational skills
 action step: when receive bullet journal, slowly implement in routine / start writing in it
Anticipation of reality: may feel resistant to do this because I already have a digital organizational system…but the point is that I learn so much better and remember more with an analog system…thus if I just have it all analog…I would be that much better…

Improving house cleaning skills
 action step: five minutes daily cleaning when getting ready for bed
Anticipation of reality: I may feel resistant and tired and annoyed to spend literally five minutes cleaning, yet this will be GOOD for you though so you don’t have to worry about cleaning --- because you’ll be taking a mini action step for this daily!

Developing and managing minimalist lifestyle regarding material items
Developing and managing minimalist lifestyle regarding digital items


Directing
Strengthening skills for video editing
 action step: edit baby video of nephew!
Anticipation of reality: It may seem time consuming and another to do thing…but it will be absolutely priceless to share something this special with family!

Learning how to shoot a movie on a micro-budget
 action step: listen to directing podcast
Anticipation of reality: I may feel resistant or feel like I have more important things to do…but this is ultimately the most important thing that you want to be doing in life…first the script…then the directing…

 action step: watch production video course
Anticipation of reality: I may feel like this is another to do thing…but watch it fully and completely….because you’ll only learn more the more knowledge you gain…and it will be helpful for you when you go out there and shoot more

Directing short films to strengthen portfolio
 action step: if time permits --- shoot the horror short that I was considering about doing with a friend…because this fell through the cracks, and it would be great if we can actually just shoot it…
Anticipation of reality: may feel overwhelmed and scared to do it, but it would help me grow 

Directing feature films
 action step: developing and directing feature film
Anticipation of reality: dream come true! By far my biggest goal in my life to accomplish…but so many steps along the way before at this action step  yet to make sure your choices align with this goal…and you’ll be there sooner than you can imagine

Strengthening skills for cinematography
Submitting feature film to film festivals
Submitting short film to film festivals


Dating
Committing to social events for prospective dating
 action step: going to meetup events to meet others in lgbtq community
Anticipation of reality: I am incredibly terrified and scared about doing this, especially since so much of my relapses and slips have been from rejection in dates…but remember that you will need to do this if you want to live a fulfilling life…but can take things slow

Strengthening dating plan
 action step: finish listening to audiobook “if the buddha had dated” to develop organic dating plan
Anticipation of reality: I may feel resistant to do this, yet it would be a really good groundwork to give me the confidence for having success with dating

Learning to manage emotions when feel rejected
 action step: continue practice of POSITIVE thoughts affirmation in order to build resiliency
Anticipation of reality: It will be very uncomfortable and awkward at first to CHOOSE to make myself feel better by CHOOSING positive thoughts if & when I’m rejected or things don’t work out --- but it is what will help build resiliency


Letting go of unrealistic expectations when dating
Developing emotional intimacy and vulnerability in a committed relationship
Expressing physical intimacy in a committed relationship
Committing to a long term healthy monogamous relationship
Redeveloping a healthy sexuality
Relearning sex in a long term healthy monogamous relationship

Family
Strengthening relationship with sister
 action step: continuing to see sister during weekends
I know she’s the one that is the only family member who is close by where I live, about 45 mins away, but it’s important to continue to develop your sibling relationship with her
Anticipation of reality: a part of me feels like I just don’t want to like I don’t have “time” or it’s too far…but the truth is that we do enjoy each other’s time..and the longer I live in this city…the more I realize how important family is…people come and go in our lives but my relationships has grown stronger over the years

 action step: set up times and activities where it’s based more on “fun”
Anticipation of reality: she may not be open to it, but I need to try…because a lot of times it’s just not fun since she’s so controlling and analytical…yes like me and so the combination of the two of us may not be great all the time

 action step: perhaps set up a group therapy appt? or just have a more open dialogue about your sibling relationship and how to move it forward?
Anticipation of reality: she’s not resistant towards this, yet it’s most likely best to have a discussion in a group therapy session if we feel the need to talk about undiscussed issues?


Strengthening relationship with Ruben
 action step: set up a time to see uncle in the next few months --- either halfway or at his place
Anticipation of reality: it’s difficult to um see him because he’s even further away and so much traffic to get to him…but I know that I LOVE spending time with him and I feel so supported and just so much fun when I hang out with him. But I also need to remember that I can set boundaries when I hang out with him…and I don’t want to spend the whole weekend…but I can set boundaries to make it work and be fun and things like that

Strengthening relationship with Dad
Strengthening relationship with Kento
Strengthening relationship with Mom
Strengthening relationship with Berto
Strengthening relationship with Tony

Friends
Strengthening friendships within LGBTQ community
 action step: continue to go to meetup events to meet people in the community
Anticipation of reality: scared and feel insecure…question if I belong in the community? Is it because I liked dating trans women because of my pornography addiction and thus I should banish myself from the community? That’s not fair to you nor to the community. EMBRACE yourself that you love being part of the community and allow yourself to participate in it more.

 action step: Set up LGBTQ events @ work
Anticipation of reality: will make me question if I belong in it…if I am worthy to do it…but I need to remember I am who I am…and I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to…so ya  important that we have people that can just hang out with others in the community! So it would so be worth it to participate in this

Strengthening relationship with high school friends
 action step: call up friends from college that you’re very close to
Anticipation of reality: maybe they’re not available if I call? That’s okay, at least I can make the effort to set up a time for a conversation…and you can TRUST them that they DO want to talk to you :)

Strengthening friendship with Dasha and Olivia
Strengthening friendship with Neil
Strengthening relationship with friends in current city
Strengthening friendship with SLAA members
Strengthening relationship with college friends

Physical health
Strengthening commitment to working out
 action step: continue going to the gym at least twice a week right now
Anticipation of reality: I know I may feel like I don’t have “time” but it’s REALLY important

Learning new working out routines for lifestyle
 action step: strongly reconsider doing a cardio activity on the weekends? For example going for a light jog instead of just hitting the weight room…or finding a nearby bike trail
Anticipation of reality: It may seem like I don’t have the “time” to enjoy these experiences, yet by giving myself time to EXPERIENCE these things --- I’ll be managing my life more

Strengthening commitment to my physical health
Strengthening lifting techniques
Competing in a physical competition

Nutrition
Strengthening repertoire of healthy recipes
 action step: cook new recipes for meal prep!
Anticipation of reality: It takes too much “effort” to learn --- but the truth is that it will be exciting to make new recipes! I get it…I’ve gotten used to making the same meal for about 2 plus years for everyday…or more like just a combination of the same meal for several years…and I justify by saying I like to have it automated since I can do other things or it’ll take less time --- but the truth is there are other meals that I can make that will take LESS time and I won’t be as exhausted…and also if I’m actually engaged in cooking it won’t feel like a chore but something that I would ENJOY more about if I’m learning more and developing my depth in cooking :)

Strengthening commitment to eating healthy

Finances
Develop strategies for financial investment
 action step: consider about figuring out how to transfer points from CC to accounts that I have allocated
 action step: figure out how to automate paying CC before monthly closing date
 action step: figure out how to automate HSA investments
 action step: consider about opening new CC card for more points when grocery shopping

Anticipation of reality: it may make me feel annoyed…or that it will take up more “time” but these action steps are relatively small and can be figured out in less than an hour and will hopefully be saving me money / utilizing opportunities to make more

Developing long term financial plan
Strengthening budget allocation skills
 action step: review if current budget allocations are doing OK in the next month or so….and if need to increase or decrease automatic transfer to different savings accounts

Developing strategies to decrease expenses
Frugality
Learning about purchasing property (condo, apartment, home)

Fun
Setting time for relaxation (planning to do nothing ie. pizza & movies)
 action step: literally selecting a date on the calendar where I can just plan to lounge around and recharge!
Anticipation of reality: A part of me feels like I don’t have “time” for having positive lazy fun…but it’s REALLY important for me to not be working all the time! It’s important to just feel like I can be a kid again  at least the good parts that I remember lol

Committing to following baseball!
 action step: plan to watch some games when it’s baseball season!
Anticipation of reality: I really enjoy following baseball…and just remember that even though it takes “time”…it’s actually worth it because it allows you to connect with others and to allow yourself to just enjoy following a sport…

Strengthening photography skills
Strengthening skills playing guitar
Reading fantasy books


Adventure
Developing camping skills
 action step: reach out to friend to check out mountain that may possibly climb this summer!
Anticipation of reality: may be scary to get into better cardio shape for this type of an adventure, but it would SO be worth it since I loved the last trip so much

 action step: Booking REI appts to learn new camping skills…
Anticipation of reality: it may seem like it’ll take up “time” but it would be great to learn more skills so when you do go camping you’ll be more prepared…and plus to um meet more people in the community!

Setting time for an adventure (photography, biking, exploring outdoors)

Autonomy
Strengthening skin care routine
 action step: continuing to use daily face wash
Anticipation of reality: may feel like I don’t have time to care of my skin daily, but it’s important to remember that it’s part of taking care of yourself

 action step: look into face wash cloths that I can buy…
Anticipation of reality: it may seem that it’ll take up too much “time” but just look around and see what you can find…you can always ask your sister

Strengthening fashion apparel
 action step: buy new fashion apparel that I WANT to buy :)
Anticipation of reality: may feel like I’m wasting my money, time, and not being a minimalist lol
I don’t need to be a fanatic…but I think it’s important to not be dressing like I don’t know how to dress myself because I don’t have a woman in my life and I’m a guy…it’s sexist and foolish…also don’t need to spend too much money…just a few items to spark up your wardrobe

Strengthening skills for environmentally friendly lifestyle
Taking care of plants!

Lesson 10

I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean. No need to do anything about these thoughts...just have an awareness of them.

My boss
I’ll tell him white lies at work because of his unrealistic expectations of me. For example, he’ll ask me details that he’ll expect me to know off the top of my head…and he’ll usually ask me as a yes or a no…and most of the time I’ll tell him I need to double check my notes…but he doesn’t want me to double check my notes because he wants an answer then so I’ll just give him the answer what he wants to hear at times, which is just a “yes”, even though I’m not 100% confident if it’s a yes…but he puts me in hard place because he doesn’t want me to double check my notes because he’ll forget that he asked the question in a few minutes since he’s ADD and he just wants a “yes” to verify whatever his thoughts are.

I think it can just help me for my own sanity to just be clear that if I don’t know the answer I don’t know the answer…and if it disappoints him that I don’t know every detail…then that’s OKAY…and I know I do a good job overall so that’s important to remember, too

Myself
I’ve deceived myself and the level of deception has varied. Before I recognized I was porn addict about ten years ago, I was highly deceptive of who I was. Over the past few years, I’ve still been deceiving myself into believing that:
Well I’m not watching porn, or I haven’t seen it in years, so it’s OK that I was on a dating website fantasizing for hours
Or it’s OK that I’m on a dating website b/c that’s how I meet people --- so it’s a means to an end

Or I’m not doing as bad things as I was doing before so it’s OK

And my sponsor says this program is a slowbriety --- so I can do things in the middle circle because it’s OK

I was deceiving myself because it was another way to avoid full responsibility. And it was much easier to go to meetings….have a sponsor…working steps that I didn’t want to be working…because it’s like “well it’s what I gotta do” even though I knew I didn’t really gain much knowledge from “working the program”…or going to a meeting that’s 90 minutes…

And because I deceived myself…I basically was deceiving all of those that were close to me

I deceived my sister when she was questioning me last year what did I really gain from program? And I told her that there was support…and maybe it was true at the time…but support is different than taking full responsibility…
I don’t need a band aid or a room full of others who are in program to make me feel supported. I need to lift MYSELF up. And the only thing that really made me face myself was vedic meditation….

Until I started doing that…I was deceiving myself…my therapist…my life coach who didn’t even know about my addiction until recently…my parents…my friends…

Anyone that I told them about my addiction and that it was going “Well” even though I would have a relapse / slip up anytime I would go home for the holidays or just go on a few dates…it’s like…that’s just normal…

I didn’t intend to deceive them…but I did because my subconscious was not willing to take full responsibility for my thoughts

and why did I continue to deceive?
Because it’s easier. It’s so much easier to deceive. It’s the shorter path in life. And I chose it for myself as well because I thought…even though I wasn’t consciously thinking that “hey --- least path of resistance!” I don’t have the skills to be resilient --- but I do have the skills to deceive myself in managing my life…so why don’t I just tell myself I’m a whole lot better and make excuses at least I’m not watching porn…and just own up to that I’m doing things that are just in replace of “it”…and it’s not about the “it”…”it” is in terms of porn / online dating / strip clubs…it’s about my “thoughts”
And if I can just sit with my thoughts…honestly…I can….let go of the deception…I can pull the curtains down and just embrace that what I’ve been holding onto these past few years --- therapy / program / life coach / medication from psychiatrist --- was all great “support”

But if I’m not changing my thoughts --- isn’t it just a delusion for myself? Now I’m not going to break myself down now…or be anymore hard than I need to be…but….it just feels to me that I was moving closer towards health…but was never ready to pull this curtain of lies down….

This curtain of lies…that even though…well hey…I’m a pretty blunt and direct person so I guess that makes me ALMOST an absolute honest person

But it’s not about verbal communication regarding being subtle or direct. It’s about…at least if I’m interpreting this lesson correctly…not making up bullshit excuses for my actions….and to stop the games and the self-deception of “oh I’m okay because I do this and this”

This self perception is the reason why I’m single…it’s the reason why I’ve made little progress creatively with screenwriting up until this point in my life. And it’s not fair to myself to just think that…that’s just “who I am”…or “some things never change”

Some things never change if you never change your thoughts.

Things will always stay the same unless you change your thoughts.

So yes….self delusion has been a big part…and I think there’s a balance with this to not be so hard on myself…and to send myself in a spiral…but to just be an adult and responsible that all of the decisions and choices that I’ve made up to today has lead to this moment….and if I use that same concept…I can align my life with values going forward through my vision

III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving those whom you are working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are not fully committed to ending your addiction. Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the motions', rather than actively pursue real change.

No intention to deceive

IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum, email or PM the list to a Coach.

currently
Laptop --- internet
Phone --- internet

past
old computer – limewire – porn videos
porn magazine

potential future
smart TV --- internet




V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.

Romantic (in relationship)
Jamie
Erika (online)
Denise


Fantasy (not in relationship --- either saw person, briefly met, knew as a teacher, knew as a friend, met on a date --- but all of this lasted longer in my head…or I used my thoughts in my head about this person to create a fantasy that did NOT align with reality)

First grade
Manya…somehow we were making out under my bedsheets

Middleschool
Ms. C – teacher / fantasized & masturbated to
Ms. R – teacher / fantasized & masturbated to
Maggie - fantasized & masturbated to
Sam – fantasized only
Sam’s dad - fantasized
Random stranger saw out and about - / fantasized & masturbated to
GIRL THAT I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH ON AN AIRPLANE! AND WOULD REMEMBER YEARS LATER

Highschool
Caroline --- fantasized & masturbated to
Cristina --- fantasized --- no masturbation…since I romanticized her
Maryellen --- fantasized…do not remember masturbation since I romanticized her
Ms. Bo --- fantasized & masturbated to
Ms. Buo --- fantasized & masturbated to
Track runner --- fantasized & masturbated to
N --- fantasized & masturbated to

College
Anya --- fantasized --- no masturbation since I romanticized her
Alison --- hook up / went on one date
Aimee --- fantasized --- no masturbation since I romanticized her
Dan --- fantasized
GIRL THAT I RANDOMLY MADE EYE CONTACT WITH IN FAMILY TRIP IN MEXICO! AND WOULD STILL THINK ABOUT HER YEARS AFTERWARDS --- fantasized --- no masturbation since I romanticized her
Emily --- hook up
Felicia --- fantasized ---- no masturbation since I romanticized her
Hired 5 prostitutes in four nights during study abroad
Hired 2 prostitutes in two nights during family vacation

Post college
Anja --- fantasize
Jessica’s friend --- fantasized ---- no masturbation since I romanticized her
Kendra --- fantasized ---- no masturbation since I romanticized her
Angela --- fantasized ---- no masturbation since I romanticized her
Shi --- fantasized ---- no masturbation since I romanticized her
Drew --- fantasized ---- no masturbation since I romanticized her
T --- fantasize at times

Sexually compulsive (never hooked up more than 2-3x, yet continued to fantasize afterwards)
Other online date hook up, no fantasy after
Aaron --- hooked up, no fantasy after
Dominique --- hooked up, no fantasy after
Monique --- hooked up, no fantasy after
Megan --- hooked up,
Stephanie --- hooked up, no fantasy after
Jasmine --- hooked up, no fantasy after

Online dating websites
Girl’s profiles --- would fantasize and masturbate to those that wanted to hook up but it never happened…or they rejected me but would still fantasize to them as a way to get a “release”

Porn stars that watched
Vaniity
Cordoba
LongM
Others don’t remember names….

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.

I’ve either acted out at the following places once or compulsively…but wanted to include e v e r y t h i n g I remember:

Laptop:
Dating sites
Hookup sites
Sex adult hookup sites
Craigslist
Google maps
Google --- massage parlors
Google --- strip clubs
Google --- prostitutes
Porn
Sex chat rooms
Youtube searches

Phone:
BBC app to go to on an ad and go on dating website on phone since blocked google on my phone…
Dating apps
Google --- search for anything inappropriate
Google --- search for anything out of boredom to lead to a hit
Google maps --- search for massage parlors
Google maps --- search for strip clubs
Google maps --- search for prostitutes
Kik for hookups and chat rooms
Yelp --- search for massage parlors
Yelp --- search for strip clubs
Yelp --- search for prostitutes
Porn
Youtube
Phone sex --- with Erika
Facetime sex --- with Jamie
Sexting --- with Erika
Whatsapp --- with Jamie

My car --- sexual hookups
My car --- scrolling through phone
At work in quiet lounge --- scrolling through dating sites on phone
Outside of work lunch tables --- scrolling through dating sites on phone
Outside of work hang out area --- scrolling through dating sites on phone
My parent’s car in college --- masturbation
My friend’s laptop in college--- masturbation & porn & alcohol
Dorm room --- masturbation & porn & alcohol
Study lounge in college --- masturbation & porn & alcohol
Library bathroom in college --- masturbation
Library computer --- masturbation & porn
Airplane bathroom --- masturbation
Laptop when interning --- internet searching for porn
Office computer when interning --- internet searching for porn
Laptop when at library --- internet searching for porn
Bedroom in highschool--- masturbation & porn & alcohol
Bedroom after college --- masturbation & porn & alcohol
Bedroom in first apartment --- internet searching as close to porn on laptop & phone
Bedroom in second apartment --- internet searching as close to porn on laptop & phone
Bedroom in third apartment--- internet searching as close to porn on laptop & phone
Living room in third apartment --- internet searching as close to porn on laptop & phone
Shower in first apartment --- masturbation & fantasy
Shower in second apartment --- masturbation & fantasy
Shower in third apartment--- masturbation & fantasy
Shower in college dorm --- masturbation & fantasy
Parent’s basement --- masturbation & porn & alcohol
Friend’s house --- masturbation & porn
Friend’s parents’ house --- masturbation & alcohol
Art exhibit --- hookup
Greyhound bus --- hookup
Greyhound bus station --- hookup

My current bedroom ---- hookup & porn & internet searching close to porn
Other person’s apartment --- hookup
Movie theater --- hookup
Transgender bar --- sexual fantasy
Gay bars for search of transgender women --- sexual fantasy
Massage parlor out of the country
Strip clubs out of the country and in nyc
Prostitute places out of the country


Lesson 11

Behavioral, element, frequent cues / triggers assessment of lesson 10

items: laptop, phone, porn magazines, smart TV (possible future)
behavioral assessment: fantasies / obsessions / romantic delusions / pornography / masturbation / romantic stalking / promiscuity (delusions) / prostitutions (delusions)

I created promiscuity (delusions) and prostitutions (delusions) because these are behaviors where I’ve searched for hours about finding someone to act out with, but then won’t follow through with it…it can also go under pornography, yet I just wanted to separate it

common patterns:
fantasizing: numerous sexual / romantic fantasies --- ESPECIALLY when using online dating websites and used this as a means to JUSTIFY my behavior…ie. searching for people for hours, yet not even sending a message…or sending messages to those who are not local...in search of “the one”

sexual romantic thoughts that distract me from mundane routine
fantasy is mind’s need to escape reality

romantic stalking: seeking information about a target without them knowing ie. not friending them on facebook, but searching through their facebook profile for additional information about them

individual begins to fantasize about possible development of a romantic relationship with a particular person and becomes obsessed with pursuit of this person

original attraction and associated fantasies become what individual now considers a reality…such as person at work fits “template” of attraction and that she’s into meditation too…and that I’ve somehow formed a reality that this is what “the one” looks like…and that my life will somehow “work” if she reciprocates her feelings to me…or that it’s “mutual”…when it’s just me using it as a fix to not feel bored at work…

believes person targeted is true love…goal is to create a situation where love can be reciprocated…such as hanging out by water cooler during a certain time of day to “unexpectedly” run into person that I’ve selected as my target

those who suffer low self-esteem and intense fear of rejection --- perfect for me to just create this delusion that does not exist in reality…but I will change my reality so that it DOES exist…this delusion / lie…and thus I can secretly be not feeling alone…since not currently dating now…

solution? To let go of this target…and all targets for that matter…and to focus on the values that you have now to build yourself

history of perfectionist, obsessive relationships dominated by jealous and criticalness

life = pursuit of 1 person to accept / love them
obsessions: inability to let go of a former partner…unintentionally somehow finding information about a former partner, even though wasn’t “consciously” searching for them online

gathering information about someone I’ve seen online and see them in person --- ie. university classmate --- even though is a complete stranger


masturbation: self-stimulation by hand
artificial means via lotions, shampoo, conditioners, exfoliating body polish, vasoline, shaving oils, socks, t-shirts, cleaning towels, cucumbers, flashlight, banana, toilet plunger, condoms, running water, bath

pornography: stimulation by use of internet pictures, online sex workers, videos, animation, videogame porn, photo on a co-workers desk, dating apps, hookup apps, prostitution search websites, massage parlor search websites, searching on a local hookup meetup website for hours, searching on online group chats for local sex via google or social media apps
scrolling through craigslist, searching on facebook for hookups / porn stars
searching on youtube for transgender friendly cities with bars, strip clubs, escorts, dating profiles, social media profiles, searching on youtube for pornstars, searching for transgender events at bars, searching through meetup.com for a hit of a sexually aroused group, scrolling through profiles on social media websites to get a hit (facebook, linkedin, youtube, meetup.com)

romantic delusions: love at first, extreme fear of rejection, unrequited advances leads to rage for ‘not being given a chance’, ‘not being understood’, ‘instant intimacy’, lacks skills to develop intimacy

promiscuity:
searching for sexual partners (prostitutes, massage parlors, on street) when abroad and hired
searching for hookups (transgender, cis women, escorts, massage parlors) online for hours
searching for strip clubs online
strip clubs for lap dances
seeking random hookup in gay bar from cis women or transgender women

prostitution:
hiring street prostitutes
searching for escorts and massage parlors online for hours



elements:
fantasizing:
fantasy
sensory (physical / visual)
orgasm

accomplishment (temporary relief of emotional imbalance) --- constantly when at work and see a pretty girl and hoping to make eye contact, or even if consciously not looking…I still find my thoughts consciously hoping for an immediate relief of validation
fantasy when watching certain movies and feel relief in escapism
fantasizing when: go to a restaurant, walking outside, at the gym, driving, airport, parties, sleeping at night, waking up in morning, going to bed at night…fantasizing of living in another country, of being another person, of studying abroad in another country during college…constant fantasy to avoid / escape my reality

romantic stalking:
fantasy (selecting a target)
power (in not facing initial rejection) --- wanting to justify a reason to reach out again after person I’m interested is not interested in me anymore
sensory (physical / visual) --- she’s the one because of “perfect body”

accomplishment (when felt that she “liked” me, too)

suspense (checking phone constantly / emails if they got back to me --- if they’re interested in me still, even though I know it’s over)
initial rejection --- triggers acting out

obsessions:
fantasy, suspense, power, sensory (physical / visual) --- she has “the perfect” body, past (inability to let go / obsession with her prior past relationships re: jealousy)

masturbation:
sensory stimulation (artificial means, hand)
orgasm
accomplishment (when fulfilling the need to achieve orgasm --- ironically whenever I’m emotionally imbalanced)
fantasy
pornography

pornography:
sensory (visual, sound)
accomplishment
orgasm
suspense (in search of perfect video…or more recently…in search of the perfect person on a hookup app…to search of a perfect massage parlor to go to…to search of a perfect escort to act out with…and when I found the perfect person…then I achieved my goal…) once I achieved my goal…I didn’t need to follow through since that was enough…yet it can obviously escalate further in the future due to habituation…where I can find the perfect person to act out with and then act out with that person…

accomplishment (via selecting target of ultimate immediate gratification…perfect person was just a high at the moment for what can provide the highest and most intense emotional stimulation found…whether or not I masturbated…at least recently was irrelevant)

danger (additional stimulation to achieve ultimate high such as not having a random hook up would be enough…but would increase stimulation from massage parlor to an escort)

fantasy
masturbation this element included poly addiction…alcohol before…
so my perfect stimulation was: pornography (visual) + alcohol + artificial stimulation (lotion) + fantasy + suspense + obsession in finding “ultimate high” = accomplishment

romantic delusions (fantasize about having sex with porn star)
obsession (would not be able to recognize that I am the one in control of my thoughts…and the emotions were guiding my thoughts…instead of my VALUES or…just recognizing that I CHOOSE my thoughts…it was playing the victim card…that I “don’t have control over this”…how does one not have control over their thoughts? It’s the most simplest thing for one to choose in life. Maybe not the first thought, but you do have the choice on the second thought that pops up into your mind

romantic delusions:
fantasy, power, suspense, accomplishment

promiscuity:
fantasy --- searching for a hook up online…I can scroll for HOURS…and I’ve justified this in the past few years because “I’ve never had much EXPERIENCE with hooking up with others…so I need to get experience”…I’ve deceived myself I was doing something that was “normal” but the truth is…I would 95% not meet the people…I would just use it as an excuse that since it wasn’t “porn” because it wasn’t like watching people have sex…it was just viewing images and even some videos online of people that I could fantasize about hooking up with…and I used this “middle circle” behavior as an excuse to rationalize it as something OK to do…so it was a delusional promiscuity behavior

sensory --- visual --- scrolling through pictures…physical (if meet person)
orgasm --- only would occur if I made the decision to meet this person
accomplishment --- in terms of either finding the ‘perfect person’ to meet and orgasm….or accomplishment in terms of meeting the person, even though not choosing to orgasm…or accomplishment in terms of finding perfect person online, yet choosing to not meet them

danger --- increase stimulation by going to someone’s apartment that I do not know…and buying them weed at a weed shop like they requested

suspense --- in driving to person’s place to meet --- do they live up to my expectations in fantasy? In terms of finding perfect person to fantasize about being promiscuous with…even though I may not meet them



prostitution:
fantasy
in search online of ALL of these massage parlors and places to act out…and that there are so many in the city that I live in…and scrolling through reviews on different sources to corroborate which is the best one

or when my internet blocker wouldn’t allow me to enter an escort search website…I realized that I could take a picture with my phone of the internet blocked site for a half a second…and actually using my phone to then search for the escort on google where it wouldn’t be blocked…
so I actually increased my stimulation by increasing the fantasy and suspense with my phone and my porn blocker

danger
in an unknown country
or most recently scrolling through websites where I can hire prostitutes…and this danger of this illegal activity obviously helped increased my stimulation

or searching for massage parlors and finding out that I can get arrested…or even get STDs…or even…walk to one from my apartment currently
poly-addiction (alcohol) --- was drunk
orgasm
accomplishment
when either secured a prostitute in person or most recently…found the ‘perfect one’ online to act out with

suspense --- when with a prostitute…the drive to the place to act out…or in a taxi in search of a prostitute…or on my computer in search of prostitutes or massage parlors that are in the area

sensory stimulation (physical / visual)






frequency / cues triggers associated:
fantasizing:
porn, stress, boredom, feeling unappreciated, media, love, lack of intimacy, social situations
attending a sexually charged event (pride parade, bar with go go dancers)

romantic stalking:
poor social comfort zone (intense shyness)
social situations
media
capable of achieving instant intimacy
extreme depression / stress
poor relationship skills

obsessions:
breakups!
Low self-esteem
Fear of rejection

masturbation:
life stressors (holidays, going back home, talking with dad, rejection from girl, rejection for script)
emotional imbalance (talking with dad, dating, creativity (screenwriting))
objects (access to lotions, running water in shower, sleepy at night in bed)
unfulfilled romantic sexual encounters (masturbated after a first or second date with girl)

pornography:
life stressors
emotional imbalance (fired from job)
sexually charged event (pride)
boredom
curiosity (if I’ve conquered it)
masturbation

romantic delusions:
stress (low self esteem, depression)
visual attraction, mental attraction
social situations / public places (at work, at a party, at a bar, at the gym)
internet chatrooms
INTERNET DATING WEBSITES (I’ve found “the one” who lives thousands of miles away)
Social media pages (seeking information and find facebook page of person I’ve fallen for…information on their profile can verify that they’re “the one” for me…when they are a complete stranger to me)


promiscuity:
alcohol
past history of sexual abuse
emotional neglect
low self esteem
emotional imbalance
REJECTED FROM GIRL --- AND SEEKING VALIDATION OVER THE INTERNET!

prostitution:
emotional imbalance
parental neglect
past history of sexual anxiety
low self-esteem
relationship difficulty
opportunities
REJECTED FROM GIRL --- AND SEEKING VALIDATION OVER THE INTERNET!




boundaries violated:
fantasizing:
intimacy / identity / meaning
values violated: spirituality / commitment / dating / screenwriting

romantic stalking:
autonomy / safety / integrity / social acceptance / order
values violated: spirituality / commitment / dating / screenwriting / directing / evolution

obsessions:
autonomy / self-respect / intimacy / identity
values violated: spirituality / commitment / dating / screenwriting / directing / evolution

masturbation:
self respect / intimacy / autonomy / order / safety
values violated: spirituality / commitment / dating / screenwriting

pornography:
self respect / intimacy / autonomy / order / integrity /
values violated: spirituality / commitment / dating / screenwriting / directing /evolution / finances

romantic delusions:
identity / integrity / order

promiscuity:
safety / honesty/ family/ self respect / intimacy / integrity
values violated: spirituality / commitment / dating / screenwriting / evolution / finances

prostitution:
safety / security / honesty / intimacy / integrity
values violated: spirituality / commitment / dating / screenwriting / evolution / finances




V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.

Behaviors associated with people:


Jamie: fantasy / romantic delusions / obsessions (when I ended it) / masturbation / pornography (since facetimed each other for masturbation) / romantic stalking (gathering information before we met in person via facebook)

Erika (online) fantasy / romantic delusions / romantic stalking / obsessions (during and after i ended it) / masturbation / promiscuity / pornography

Denise fantasy / romantic delusions / romantic stalking / obsessions (after I saw her when relationship ended)


First grade / romantic delusions / fantasy
Manya…somehow we were making out under my bedsheets

Middleschool
Ms. C – teacher / fantasy / masturbation / romantic delusion
Ms. R – teacher / fantasy / masturbation / romantic delusion
Maggie - fantasy / masturbation / romantic delusion
Sam – fantasy / masturbation
Sam’s dad - fantasy
Random stranger saw out and about - / fantasy / masturbation
GIRL THAT I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH ON AN AIRPLANE! AND WOULD REMEMBER YEARS LATER – fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession

Highschool
Caroline --- fantasy / masturbation / romantic delusion / obsession (in pursuit of “the one”)
Cristina --- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession
Maryellen --- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession
Ms. Bo --- fantasy / masturbation / romantic delusion
Ms. Buo --- fantasy / masturbation / romantic delusion
Track runner --- fantasy / masturbation
N --- fantasy / masturbation / romantic delusion

College
Anya --- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession (in pursuit of “the one”)
Alison --- promiscuity
Aimee --- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession (in pursuit of “the one”)
Dan --- fantasy / masturbation
GIRL THAT I RANDOMLY MADE EYE CONTACT WITH IN FAMILY TRIP IN MEXICO! AND WOULD STILL THINK ABOUT HER YEARS AFTERWARDS --- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession
Emily --- fantasy / promiscuity
Felicia --- fantasy / romantic delusion
Hired 5 prostitutes in four nights during study abroad --- fantasy / prostitution / promiscuity
Hired 2 prostitutes in two nights during family vacation --- fantasy / prostitution / promiscuity

Post college
Anja --- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession
Jessica’s friend --- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession (when rejected)
Kendra --- fantasized ---- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession (when rejected)
Angela --- fantasized ---- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession (when met her, and until she told me why she rejected me)
Shi --- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession (when rejected)
Drew --- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession (when rejected)
T --- fantasy / romantic delusion / no obsession yet since not yet rejected --- at least in my mind

Sexually compulsive
Other online date hook up --- fantasy / promiscuity / masturbation / pornography (online dating website)
Aaron --- fantasy / promiscuity / masturbation / pornography (online dating website)
Dominique --- fantasy / promiscuity / masturbation / pornography (online dating website)
Monique --- fantasy / promiscuity / pornography (online dating website)
Megan --- promiscuity
Stephanie --- promiscuity
Jasmine --- fantasy / promiscuity / pornography (online dating website)

Online dating websites
Girl’s profiles --- would fantasize and masturbate to those that wanted to hook up but it never happened…or they rejected me but would still fantasize to them as a way to get a “release”
Fantasy / masturbation / pornography /
Porn stars that watched (fantasy / romantic delusions / romantic stalking / masturbation / pornography / obsessions / promiscuity delusions)

Vaniity
Cordoba
LongM
Others don’t remember names….

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.
I’ve either acted out at the following places once or compulsively…but wanted to include e v e r y t h i n g I remember:

Fantasy / obsessions / romantic delusions / romantic stalking / promiscuity / prostitutions / masturbation / pornography
Laptop:
Dating sites --- fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / obsessions / romantic stalking
Hookup sites fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / obsessions / romantic stalking

Sex adult hookup sites --- fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / masturbation / prostitution

Craigslist --- fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / masturbation / prostitution
Google maps --- fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / masturbation / prostitution
Google --- massage parlors --- fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / masturbation / prostitution
Google --- strip clubs --- fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / masturbation / prostitution
Google --- prostitutes --- fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / masturbation / prostitution
Porn --- fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / masturbation / prostitution
Sex chat rooms --- fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / masturbation / prostitution
Youtube searches --- fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / masturbation / prostitution

Phone:
BBC app to go to on an ad and go on dating website on phone since blocked google on my phone… fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / obsessions / romantic stalking
Dating apps fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / obsessions / romantic stalking
Google --- search for anything inappropriate fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / obsessions / romantic stalking / prostitution
Google --- search for anything out of boredom to lead to a hit
Google maps --- search for massage parlors fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / obsessions / romantic stalking / prostitution

Google maps --- search for strip clubs fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / obsessions / romantic stalking / prostitution
Google maps --- search for prostitutes fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / obsessions / romantic stalking / prostitution
Kik for hookups and chat rooms fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / obsessions / romantic stalking / prostitution

Yelp --- search for massage parlors fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / obsessions / romantic stalking / prostitution
Yelp --- search for strip clubs fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / obsessions / romantic stalking / prostitution
Yelp --- search for prostitutes fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / prostitution

Porn
Youtube fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / prostitution
Phone sex --- with Erika --- fantasy / promiscuity / masturbation / romantic delusions / obsessions
Facetime sex --- with Jamie fantasy / promiscuity / masturbation / romantic delusions / obsessions
Sexting --- with Erika fantasy / promiscuity / masturbation / romantic delusions / obsessions
Whatsapp --- with Jamie fantasy / promiscuity / masturbation / romantic delusions / obsessions

My car --- fantasy / promiscuity / masturbation / romantic delusions / romantic stalking
My car --- scrolling through phone --- fantasy / promiscuity / romantic delusions / romantic stalking
At work in quiet lounge --- scrolling through dating sites on phone --- fantasy / obsessions / romantic delusions / romantic stalking
Outside of work lunch tables --- scrolling through dating sites on phone --- romantic stalking / romantic delusions / fantasy / obsessions
Outside of work hang out area --- scrolling through dating sites on phone --- romantic stalking / romantic delusions / fantasy / obsessions
My parent’s car in college --- masturbation / fantasy / romantic delusions / obsessions
My friend’s laptop in college--- masturbation/ fantasy / pornography / promiscuity
Dorm room --- masturbation / pornography / romantic delusions / obsessions / promiscuity
Study lounge in college --- masturbation / pornography / romantic delusions / obsessions / promiscuity
Library bathroom in college --- masturbation / pornography / romantic delusions / obsessions / promiscuity
Library computer --- masturbation / pornography / romantic delusions / obsessions / promiscuity
Airplane bathroom --- masturbation / pornography / romantic delusions / obsessions / promiscuity
Laptop when interning --- pornography / romantic delusions / obsessions
Office computer when interning --- pornography / romantic delusions / obsessions / promiscuity
Laptop when at library / bathroom in library --- fantasy / masturbation / pornography / romantic delusions / obsessions / promiscuity
Bedroom in highschool--- fantasy / masturbation / obsession / romantic delusion / romantic stalking / pornography
Bedroom after college --- fantasy / masturbation / obsession / romantic delusion / romantic stalking / pornography / promiscuity / prostitution
Bedroom in first apartment --- fantasy / masturbation / obsession / romantic delusion / romantic stalking / pornography / promiscuity / prostitution
Bedroom in second apartment --- fantasy / masturbation / obsession / romantic delusion / romantic stalking / pornography / promiscuity / prostitution
Bedroom in third apartment--- fantasy / masturbation / obsession / romantic delusion / romantic stalking / pornography / promiscuity / prostitution
Living room in third apartment --- fantasy / obsession / romantic delusion / romantic stalking / pornography / promiscuity
Shower in first apartment --- masturbation / fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession
Shower in second apartment --- masturbation / fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession
Shower in third apartment--- masturbation / fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession
Shower in college dorm --- masturbation / fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession
Parent’s basement --- masturbation / fantasy / alcohol / pornography
Friend’s house --- masturbation / fantasy / alcohol / pornography
Friend’s parents’ house --- masturbation / fantasy / alcohol / pornography
Art exhibit --- promiscuity / fantasy
Greyhound bus --- promiscuity / fantasy
Greyhound bus station --- promiscuity / fantasy

My current bedroom --- fantasy / pornography / promiscuity / romantic delusions / masturbation / obsessions / romantic stalking / prostitution

Other person’s apartment --- promiscuity / fantasy
Movie theater --- fantasy / promiscuity
Transgender bar --- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession / promiscuity / prostitution / romantic obsession
Gay bars for search of transgender women --- fantasy / romantic delusion / obsession / promiscuity / prostitution / romantic obsession
Massage parlor out of the country --- fantasy / prostitution
Strip clubs out of the country and in nyc --- fantasy / promiscuity
Prostitute places out of the country --- fantasy / prostitution

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

Thanks, Kenzo! I was going to use lostkid still but I forgot my password so this will do. Feel free to call me lk still lol

Lesson 12

On the overall…I think the biggest unhealthy thought that I’ve been having is my commitment to change my life. Or to transition from addiction to health.

I can break down this phrase anyway that I want to…but just to be frank…
Maybe there is a part of me, that addiction side, that doesn’t want it to go away

That feels like…it’s safer to have these binges…because that’s what I struggle with the most there’s a part of me that feels like…how can a commitment to change --- change that?

The thing is…I’ve ALWAYS felt I was committed to myself (lol) especially recently, right?
It’s like I meditate everyday for the past year, therapy, twelve step meetings, life coach, medication for anxiety and Vyvanse to focus

It’s like --- don’t I have the bases covered here? And I think that was my biggest revelation over the past month. It was all a mask. And I wasn’t just lying to the world, or playing this victim card or whatever, I ultimately was lying to myself.

I don’t want to go too much on tangent…but the thing is…I “thought” I was committed to myself. I mean exhibited by all my behaviors --- it looked like I was. But inside…my thoughts…were deeply rooted in negative and unhealthy thoughts, which would always then lead me back to these habits…or developing similar unhealthy habits, even though not identical…such as cruising through other sites other than porn for a hit etc…

So…I feel like now…I’m much more committed to myself because it’s not just my actions but connecting those actions with your thoughts. And even though I thought I was in tune with my feelings by going to therapy yadayada…how in tune was i? I mean I was but it was all a victim card blaming the world / not taking responsibility.

Bottom line is:
I’m more connected to understanding what “committed” means now

But committed to change…

To change my life…
I mean that almost sounds that’s rooted in fantasy

But I think I’m starting to understand that if I change my thoughts, and if my subconscious accepts these thoughts as truth, then I change my behavior, which will change my life

I just think the thing that I need to hold onto is the positive vision ahead…

But some unhealthy patterns that I do exhibit are:
Transitioning this addiction to compulsive behavior within my values
For example, I know I’ve already done this…where I started to go on a “cleaning binge” last Monday…and even though I was planning on doing my laundry…it then went to wanting to clean all of my bedsheets to then wanting to clean my mattress since there were some odor stains…to then also spending three hours on lesson eleven on RN when I wanted it to take one hr

That’s my concern…that’s why I’m limiting my time on RN because I do not want to be addicted to this…and so that is unhealthy if I’m working on a lesson for three hours…yes I know I didn’t have time during the week so I wanted to spend more time during the weekend…but I need to find a balance with it….

Bottom line is: if I want to change…I need to change my thoughts…and to find balance in things that I can be obsessive about…

Other patterns that I currently or previously connected with before:


They often jump from addiction to addiction, and are particularly susceptible to hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery. They put out fires by refocusing on other areas of their life. When these areas involve compulsive behavior — their use of addiction to manage their lives continues.

They believe that they are suffering from a disease that is beyond their control, but not beyond all hope.
They perceive "powerlessness" not as absolute powerlessness over their life, but a limited powerlessness over their urges.

They often attempt to convince others of their recovery by offering their "new identity" as proof. Again, most often seen with hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery situations.
A part of me is concerned to try to convince myself that I’ve “changed” just because I’ve read some self-help books or had a shift in perspective over the past month. Sure that’s great…but it’s not fair to fool myself into believing that that is enough information I need in order to permanently live a healthy life. I have work in front of me to do…yet it’s all + work to do.


Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.
They tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior.


This has definitely been my past behavior…yet at the moment I’m looking forward to thinking of new and healthier ways ie. making reactive plans…the more I implant and ingrain these reactive and then proactive plans…the more confident I’ll be in my recovery going forward.

They consistently measure the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.
Most definitely a behavior of the past…when it all comes down to my thoughts


They often experience extreme emotions in relation to acting out — extreme guilt, extreme shame, depression, anger, hatred.

They tend to hyper analyze their actions, thoughts and feelings...and make the possibility of living a "normal" life all but impossible.
I never did trust myself which is why I always overanalyzed every detail. Looking forward to trusting myself day by day a little more :)



Lesson 13

I.
Some of the behaviors that I connect with:

Early Recovery
In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.
In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc., but it is fairly common...and a good sign that their desire to change is sincere.

Middle Recovery : "Actual Recovery"
They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
They perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.
They recognize failure as a learning experience — but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.
They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".
They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").
They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.


Current top fifteen values:
Spirituality Screenwriting Commitment Evolution Organization Directing Dating Family Friends Physical health Nutrition Finances Fun Adventure Autonomy

II. Values that surround these healthy patterns:
I believe in this part of the lesson I’m supposed to connect the dots re: my current fifteen values and if they correlate to healthy behaviors or unhealthy behaviors

Or at the very least make the distinguish between the two different conflict values that I currently have in my identity. The healthy ones for a recovery that are in my top fifteen related to the behaviors exhibited are:

Evolution / Commitment


Middle Recovery : "Actual Recovery"

Evolution
They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.

Commitment / Honesty
They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.

Evolution
They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.

Evolution
They perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.
They recognize failure as a learning experience — but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.
They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".
They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").

Commitment
They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.


Behaviors associated with my addiction / identity…that will need to be removed from my identity:

Wow…fascinating to recognize these negative values:
chaos / deception / failure

my current values that I envision myself to be, which are the opposite of these negative values:
spirituality / commitment / evolution

fascinating…to shift my perspective and thoughts…especially in times of imbalance…if I can learn to lean in to my anxiety and negative thinking…then I can learn to fully engage my emotional stimulation to my values…and thus disconnect myself from the ones associated with my addiction…


Chaos -> inverse of current value spirituality ie. meditation, which gives me balance
They often jump from addiction to addiction, and are particularly susceptible to hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery. They put out fires by refocusing on other areas of their life. When these areas involve compulsive behavior — their use of addiction to manage their lives continues.

They believe that they are suffering from a disease that is beyond their control, but not beyond all hope.

Chaos -> inverse of current value spirituality ie. meditation, which is vital for managing my stress
They tend to confuse addiction recovery with general mental health issues — creating a hypersensitivity to all of the emotions that they experience. Depression, anxiety, anger — they are all tightly related to "recovery" and an imbalance in one often leads to an imbalance in the other.

They perceive "powerlessness" not as absolute powerlessness over their life, but a limited powerlessness over their urges.

Deception -> inverse of my current value of commitment / honesty
They often attempt to convince others of their recovery by offering their "new identity" as proof. Again, most often seen with hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery situations.

Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.

They tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior.

They tend to see life in episodes — with beginnings and endings — rather than as a process.

Failure -> inverse of my current value of evolution
They consistently measure the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.

Chaos -> inverse of of my current value of spirituality ie. meditation, which gives me equanimity
They often experience extreme emotions in relation to acting out — extreme guilt, extreme shame, depression, anger, hatred. Or, they experience very mild emotions — when it has become a pattern that they have resolved to accept as a part of their lives.

Chaos -> inverse of my current value of evolution, which includes self esteem / trusting myself
They tend to hyper analyze their actions, thoughts and feelings...and make the possibility of living a "normal" life all but impossible.

Chaos -> inverse of my current value of spirituality ie. meditation
They continue to identify themselves with their addiction and cannot imagine a life without such an association.


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1
1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?

3. Did I feel productive in writing?

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety

10. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?

11. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?

12. What did I feel most proud of today?





Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 - Day 1 – 2/24/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes!

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
With the few minutes that I did, yes

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Yes

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
Will do after the daily monitoring

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Brief chat with mom and dad

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5

10. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Girl from work

11. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Just learned sister is pregnant
Flying out to family wedding this weekend
Parents staying at my sister’s place after wedding***

12. What do I feel most proud of today?
Was able to write for a few mins briefly
And made a fantastic meal :)

@ Coach Cheryl --- here are my revised action plans. let me know your thoughts! i'll be inputting them in bullet journal soon...

thanks!

Spirituality
Practice vedic meditation
Attend a vedic meditation class
Read “Power of Your Subconscious Mind”
Practice “visualization” praying technique
Repeat infinite subconscious prayer when falling asleep and waking up

Screenwriting
Re-write class notes in master notebook
Watch plot-casting videos and take notes by May 1st before link expires
Watch Godfather and breakdown movie
Read Neil’s scripts and analyze
Write horror short film by April 15th
Develop and write Asperger feature film

Commitment
Arrive at work by 9:15 AM
Complete past due evernote tasks for work
Follow through on my commitment to others

Evolution
Listen to a hypnosis session
Write positive affirmations
Write corrective thinking
Subscribe and listen to Unwind Anxiety app
Complete RN lessons

Organization
Utilize bullet journal daily
Watch DIY housecleaning videos online for vinegar
Watch DIY housecleaning videos online using baking soda
Watch DIY housecleaning videos online for dusting
Listen to Marie Kondo audiobook
Donate items
Consolidate food with mason jars
Buy macramé hanging plant for bedroom

Directing
Edit baby video of Tony!
Listen to academy of storytellers videos
SHOOT HORROR SHORT NO LATER THAN MAY 30*
EDIT HORROR SHORT
SUBMIT HORROR SHORT FOR JULY 15 DEADLINE*

Dating
Go to a LGBTQ meetup event
Go to a meditation meetup event
Go to an outdoor hiking / camping meetup event


Family
Email Dad
Talk to Mom on facetime
Hang out with sister
Facetime with brother and nephew
Sleepover at Ruben’s place

Friends
Connect with Jon
Coordinate an out of town weekend hangout with the Squad!
Hangout with neighbors
Call friends from highschool (Laura, Doug, Darren)
Call friends from college (Meambree, Liana, Chris, Stas)
Hang out with Stephen from SLAA
Hang out with Ellenie and her hubbie
Hang out with Stephanie and Karl
Hang out with coworkers
Go to an outdoor camping meetup event
Go to a LGBTQ meetup event

Physical health
Go to the gym!
Learn new workout routines to do at home and implement
Go for a run
Go for a bike ride!

Nutrition
Cook new recipes!
Make pancakes!
Make vegan cookies!
Cook new meal prep recipes

Finances
Get a quote for possibly switching car insurance
Search for on bank acct how to transfer CC points to savings accts
Review credit card options to possibly have a new credit card for grocery shopping
Research on HSA website to automate investments

Fun
Watch a movie and order pizza
Play guitar
Read GOT book 2

Adventure
Connect with Laura if will go camping this summer
Go to a museum to take pictures
Go on a bike ride
Take a camping class to learn how to do it

Autonomy
Youtube how to live a more environmentally friendly lifestyle
Research about using baking soda for saving $ and environmentally friendly ie. deodorant.
Youtube facewash with wash clothes
Research hygiene self-care (skin, toes, back)


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 2 – 2/25/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Ok

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Yes

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
Did not do

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Ok
7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes --- ran into highschool friend

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5/10

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5/10

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
No, but procrastinated on RN website

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Wedding / packing / parents
13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Positive affirmations



Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 3 – 2/26/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
No, did not write 

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Yes

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
No, did not do

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes, brother

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6/10 --- nervous for this weekend

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6/10

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Did not feel great…overslept

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Yes, awoke aroused, dreaming of sexual fantasies

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Parents seeing tomorrow, flying tomorrow

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Fighting against the negative voices in my head


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 4 – 2/27/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Sort’ve only for a few minutes

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Not really…traveling

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
No…traveling

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Had a one-sided conversation after opening up with father…he wouldn’t make eye contact…difficult to emotionally connect even when vulnerable

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
5.5/10

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
5.5/10

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok
11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Drew --- searched for her # on phone, yet could not find..was triggered to do this after feeling ignored when opened up to Dad

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Wedding / traveling

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Meditated on plane


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 5 – 2/28/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Ok

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Ok

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Not really

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Nope

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
Yes! Organized my stuff in hotel

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes! Showed up at wedding and was committed to my mom who has her arm on a sling now after surgery…

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes! With cousins…

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6/10

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6/10
10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Poor --- Dad snores loud!

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Drew

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Flying back home tomorrow
Organization and prioritizing with parents visiting my sister, who lives 45 mins away from me, after the wedding

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Vulnerable with cousin


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 6 – 2/29/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Ok

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Ok

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Yes

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Nope

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
Not really

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes…commitment to taking care of nephew

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with cousin’s wife

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
5.5 / 10 --- I usually feel pretty blue after leaving a family gathering

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
5/10

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Not that I’m aware of…

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Hung out at my neighbor’s when I got back. I feel like I use her as an emotional safety net for not dating…because I’m not attracted to her but I enjoy her company…and it makes sense that I spend time with her since she’s also single and a bit introverted too

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Ordered Chinese food with neighbor


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 7 – 3/1/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Ok

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
No --- wrote too much and inefficient

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Yes

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
A little…shredded papers

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
No

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
5 / 4.5 / 10

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
4.5 / 5 / 10

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Fantasized about moving since my new roomie knocked over my plant and didn’t tell me, didn’t pay me my rent yet, and I could also hear her having sex with a random dude…smh

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
High anxiety and feeling blue after wedding

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Completed goals / priorities (writing, cooking, shopping, bed by 10:30pm etc)


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 8 – 3/2/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
No  did not write

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Yes

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
No

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with Coach Cheryl

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7/10
9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7/10

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good…dreamed of finding a partner

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Loud voices in my head

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
May feel tense / blue still after wedding past weekend

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Challenged negative voices


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 9 – 3/3/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Did not write, but had writing class in evening

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Yes

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
Did not do…

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
No…very distracted since colleague will be let go in a month…and concerned how this may impact my position in the next 6 months to a year plus

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with brother

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6/10

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
5.5/10…colleague will be laid off

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Triggered to job search out of fear…

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Waking up when alarm goes off

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Voted in primaries! #committed#USA


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 10 – 3/4/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Yes

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Yes

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
Yes

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
No --- anxious with colleague getting let go

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5/7/10

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5/7/10

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Girl at work

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Anxiety about colleague / possibly job search?

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Bed before 10pm


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 11 – 3/5/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Yes

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Yes

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
Yes


6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Ok…anxious from coronavirus

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with Mom

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5/7/10

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5/7/10

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Coronavirus

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Coronavirus
Feeling like a freak after LGBTQ speaker

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Hosted ERG LGBTQ meeting at work today


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 12 – 3/6/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Yes
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Sort’ve
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Yes
4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Yes
5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
No
6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
No

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes, Jon

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
5.5/6/10

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
5.5/6/10

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Coronavirus
Girl at work / letting go of her as a fantasy 

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Writing

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Conquering fears when writing…repeated mantra failures are fantastic


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 13 – 3/7/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Yes

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Yes

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
Yes

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes with meeting with neighbor

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Chatted with mom…she was being controlling though

8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7/10

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7/10

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Emotional safety when hang out with neighbor?

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Writing

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Accomplished with priorities


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 1 – Day 14 – 3/8/20

1. Did I feel connected to my meditation?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Yes

4. Did I seek out opportunities to have a healthy meal?
Yes

5. Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for cleaning / organizing for a few minutes?
Yes

6. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes

7. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
No
8. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7/7.5/10

9. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7/7.5/10

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Quiet thoughts of possibly masturbating

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Setting up my bullet journal

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Completed priorities


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Refined List

1. Did I use corrective thinking?

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?

3. Did I feel productive in writing?

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?

13. What did I feel most proud of today?




Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 15 – 3/9/20
1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Did not write

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
Yes

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Sort’ve

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with Mom and Dad

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7/10

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7/10

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
At peace, yet slight eye twitching (usually from stress in past)

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Did not answer question this day, added…

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Writing --- fear of class ending and starting to write short

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Feeling loss over letting go of romantic delusion at work

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 16 – 3/10/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Did not write

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
Yes

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with my brother and friend

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7/7.5/10

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7/7.5/10

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Good / normal

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Great

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Did not answer question this day, added…

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
RN / Script

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Called and wished friend happy bday

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 17 – 3/11/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Did not write…a lot on RN

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
Yes

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Nope

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Not really

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
5/10

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
4.5/5/10

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Panicky --- had to literally step out of office for 15 mins / tight

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Coronavirus…esp since my colleague who sits five feet away from me was out today b/c he was not feeling well triggered anxiety that he may be positive for it…smh.

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Writing horror short

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Used corrective thinking + body scanning + meditation to CHILL OUT over this





Lesson 15

Pornography was introduced to me randomly. I was invited to sleepover at a friend’s house when I was 12 in seventh grade. It was me, my friend R, and my other friend D. We ended up watching this soft core porn on Cinemax. I thought it was fun, enjoyable.

I also know…the following day….when my mom went to pick me up…I am not sure…but I believe it was the following day when I was in a pretty shocking car accident…and the minivan I was in was pretty heavily damaged by an Escalade.

If this was the same weekend….not sure how the emotional safety from porn my have been a reinforcement that the world is dangerous…and I cannot trust it…if this happened the same weekend.

I also remember that I learned as a Sophomore in high school how efficient and what a great “reward” pornography was when studying for finals. I would use it as my way to take breaks for studying when alone in my parents’ house.

In college, my value of “racing / competing” in sports was dropped since I wanted to add a second major. My time management skills were not great, and thus became more heavily dependent on porn and masturbation during my junior year when dropped out of crew. Also the kicker was feeling rejected from a girl then, I accepted the value of “being alone” = living on a high to avoid pain.

My values in junior year of college as I approached graduation further deteriorated.

I believe I associated “living life to the fullest” equivalent to being high. So I became more extreme and put myself in more risky situations to avoid rejection since I removed other values that gave me emotional stimulation such as committing to crew and my education.

I valued fantasy instead of reality. My pursuit of making movies became associated with a fantasy and a dream rather than taking specific action steps towards achieving that goal.

When I graduated…and started to date a few years later when I was 25…I associated fantasy with online dating. Since I wasn’t “watching porn” now, I associated my sex and love addiction with the value of dating. Thus, I would date transgender women, but it became more focused on exploring my “sexuality” than dating the person and getting to know them. My therapist also encouraged to date transgender women, since this was the porn I watched…even though I was afraid because I felt this was just me acting out my fantasies in reality.

It was enjoyable…but it was just based on sexualizing their bodies. I don’t believe my therapist understood the depths of my addiction…and she was unintentionally supporting me, unknowingly, helping me switch my addiction from porn to online dating / sex. Even though the internet was always my source of comfort…the isolation, etc..it is also how my mind justified and deceived me for years.

Danger was associated with this value. From prostitutes, meeting someone from the internet who lived thousands of miles away from me…to strip clubs. When I realized I was an addict years ago, the danger stopped. I became fearful of my addiction. I did not trust myself, so I went to therapy, 12 steps, etc. it was a temporary boost. It gave me a feeling of support.

What have I integrated into my daily life?
1) Naturally incorporating cleaning / organization into my life. It’s so much easier to do this in bite size chunks of just a few minutes a day than anything else.
2) Hyperawareness and honesty. Honesty with my thoughts. Honest with not using bullshit excuses to let myself justify my thoughts. And just not accepting the lies. Just to be honest with my slip ups now…and to break down and connect my triggers.

So much more to learn to separate this addiction from identity. Looking forward to more lessons.


Lesson 16

Positive roles of addiction

Immediate relief from all UNCOMFORTABLE feelings, which includes but not limited to:
Feeling rejected from girl
Feeling sad when leaving home during holidays
Feeling afraid after watching horror movie
Feeling like a failure
General negative feelings including: anxiety, depression, rejection, abandonment, etc.

Immediate relief for managing my social anxiety
Immediate relief for FEELING DISCONNECTED with others
Immediate relief to feel connected (artificially), even though more disconnected from experiences

Artificial (fantasy) role play of values that are “out of reach” for me to actually experience:
Immediate ecstatic feeling of BEING IN LOVE (infatuated) with “the one”
Immediate high of fantasy of finding the one
Immediate high of somehow reconnecting with someone in the past to be together forever
Immediate artificial sense of accomplishment for seeing myself living in a really big home --- without putting in the real work to get there
Immediate artificial sense of accomplishment for reaching my dreams --- without taking action steps to get there

Lesson 17

January 5th…I chose to…begin searching for massage parlors on my phone…this then switched to my laptop…and then it escalated to searching for escorts…and then searching for transgender escorts…until I landed on a transgender pornstar escort
This binge lasted from about 8/9am to 6pm at night

elements of my sexually compulsive behavior:

sensory stimulation
sight
looking on my phone / laptop for A N Y sexually stimulating images. I don’t even have access to go to porn on my phone, yet I was able to turn a google maps search into a sexually charged search for this immediate gratification.
Wait just thinking about this more…it didn’t even have to be like a pornographic image.
Like it could literally just be some words on a page and a page and a review. Just the thought that a place could be a massage parlor without even knowing what they look like was just an increase in stimulation at first…yet it then led to much more later throughout the day

smell, taste, sound --- none…there were no sounds being played
but perhaps the sound…being…none actually allowed me to focus that much more on the sexual stimulation of sight
it’s like a movie that I’m creating in my head…and I’m selecting the images and videos of the story
thoughts are selecting the images and searches to connect a story inside my head that is only achieving immediate gratification for myself and obviously no one else since no one else will jump into my head to do this all day…

touch --- perhaps if I felt sexually aroused throughout my search? Yet I didn’t take my pants off or masturbate…it was all just for the sight

fantasy
this and the sensory stimulation of sight are by far the biggest elements of the cookie. They are the dough that make up the cookie. The danger would be…little sprinkles on top perhaps?

Even though I did not need to create my own imagery for this compulsive ritual…
I used the images from the internet to create the fantasy of my perfect cookie…and I was able to find the perfect fantasy…the most euphoric thought possible: to have sex with a pornstar transgender prostitute
Like…after watching porn for so many years…and then not watching porn for many years…this was like the dormant set of fireworks that were just ignited…and to imagine…it was ALL available in this damn f*cking city I live in…literally 30 mins away…the fantasy of achieving this goal…was incredible
I would say that this was definitely on delusional fantasy…even though I wasn’t pursuing a romantic target

danger
danger was actually more a part of this then I would like to admit. Because even if I didn’t leave my room…my thoughts were selecting to search for situations that could either: get my STDs, get me in trouble with the law, or put my own personal safety in general
it’s fascinating to see how…when I started at 8am it was…reviewing massage parlors online…
but since I’ve never googled massage parlors before…I then found all of this DANGER by recognizing that there are some that can be scammed….and then searched for STDs if it’s possible to receive some at a massage parlor
and then to just be searching for escorts…and then to transgender escorts…and then transgender pornstar escorts…which COINCIDENTALLY have an incredibly high rate of carrying STDs…yet a transgender pornstar escort was literally the highest my fantasy would allow me to go…it was literally my FAVORITE COOKIE at the moment
and…objectively…it is literally the WORSE decision to make…to choose an escort that I would have the highest chance of getting a STD?! yet during my emotional high…I’m not sure if it was the std…or just the prostitute / porn state that made this high incredibly…euphoric
even though I was looking up these std rates around 5pm that day and knew that it would be such a bad decision

suspense
I must have been in a Hitchcock movie…because I was continuing down this compulsive ritual ALL DAY. It was nuts. The sad…unfortunate truth is how much MORE SUSPENSE MY PORN BLOCKERS ADDED! Because I could not literally view a porn website…or sites that contain porn…my sex addict mind felt REJECTED or a SENSE OF FAILURE. Thus…in order to ACHIEVE A FEELING OF SUCCESS…I had to do a workaround by adding another STEP in search of my escort / massage parlor fantasy thought.
In short…I actually used my phone to take pictures of the escorts BEFORE I was kicked off the site…and then I could type in their name on google and find them and then I wouldn’t somehow be kicked off…
It’s like….this blocker actually INCREASED the suspense and made it MORE SATISFYING when I actually find this workaround method.
The thing about all of this suspense…is that during this day…I didn’t even consider about actually leaving my apt…I actually thought that it would’ve maybe been better if I just went to a massage parlor and gotten it over with instead of spending literally eight hours destroying my brain on the internet. But then that would’ve involved other rituals as well such as more danger, accomplishment, orgasm, etc….which irregardless…at this point…doesn’t really make a difference…because this was my FAVORITE cookie…and there’s some sad reality to this cookie…this isolated cookie that’s my favorite. I’m gonna burn this cookie down.

Accomplishment
The sense of accomplishment was when…after my 5-6 hour search online…I somehow landed on like my top TWO candidates of who would be my choice (control) to have sex with. Not that I was planning on having sex with them (even though it most likely would escalate to having sex with them if I continued this compulsive ritual in order to achieve a greater high)
But it came down to two candidates (look at the word that I used…it’s same like target….not someone to be with…but just someone to serve my emotional stimulation desires)
One was attractive latin, trans
One was another attractive latin, transgender women who was the porn star* this was my ticket that I felt…I possibly could not achieve a greater high than this in terms of using the elements (sensory – sight and fantasy)…and once I achieved this goal….well it basically was done

Power
This sense of CONTROL…such as searching for massage parlors escalated to searching for specific escorts…it was all just for me to feel in control.
Ironically…on January 5th…I just got home from spending the holidays at home…where I have ZERO sense of control
I find that fascinating that b/c I do not have a sense of control when I am with my parents b/c they treat me like a baby still…and b/c I absolutely hate it…instead of making decisions that would make me feel better (which I do have control over b/c I choose) I chose to make myself feel even less better by making poor decisions that provide immediate emotional gratification and a lot of guilt and shame.
I also know this sense of control is for me to avoid feelings of rejection…since I felt pretty bad after realizing things weren’t going to work out with a girl…and so obviously an escort seems like a better choice in gaining control back in my life! (sarcasm)

Past
I would also say in conjuction with power…my past filter is mainly about being raised by controlling parents who love their kids dearly…but just was not the right kind of love that I needed. They wanted to give me answers instead of me figuring things out. They wanted to fix things instead of giving me support. They wanted to tell me what to do instead of listen to what I want. All out of kindness….but I longer for an area in my life where I can feel in charge…and there I find the one place where I am in complete control of…the internet.
Internet…porn…google maps even…doesn’t matter what it is or how much good it’s done for humanity…I’ve found my brain will manipulate anything on a phone or my laptop… in order to manage my emotions w/ unhealthy behavior

Poly-addictions
No poly-addictions in this compulsive ritual. Alcohol used to be a huge poly-addiction though in highschool, college, and some times after college.
THANK GOD FOR MEDITATION…why I’ve GENUINELY lost interest in drinking 

Orgasm
IRONICALLY…I did not even orgasm during this insane eight hour binge. And that’s the point! I genuinely feel that it was enjoyable for me to not orgasm. The reason being if I did orgasm…then I simply most likely would’ve stopped hours before…but because I didn’t…I could just continue without breaking the trance.
Also…probably the worse reason for going on this binge without orgasm is that my thoughts would DECEIVE me into thinking that “what I’m doing isn’t that bad” because…before in twelve step I would just consider internet roaming only middle circle behavior if it wasn’t porn.
So if I just spend a few hrs on a dating website…even though I’m just looking for random hookups…then that’s OK b/c it wasn’t porn or didn’t take an action to manifest the fantasy ie. masturbation & orgasm.
By deceiving myself into believing that what I was doing was OK b/c it was just middle circle…just gave me an excuse to continue this online fantasy searching behavior where it became so extreme…like in in this situation…that it became nearly impossible for me to call it anything more than just my bullsh*t excuse card that my addiction wants me to believe.


Elements of Compulsive behavior # 2 --- masturbation in shower on jan 1
Sensory
Touch
Self-stimulation via masturbation
Self-stimulation via shampoo, hair conditioner
Self-stimulation via sock
Running water

Sound
Sound of running water

Taste
Taste of running water

Sight
Eyes closed so used imagination

Smell
Smell of lotion perhaps


Fantasy
Created images for sexual gratification

Danger
None

Suspense
…when will orgasm


Accomplishment
Achievement of orgasm

Orgasm
Accomplished

Power
Power over thoughts / fantasy?

Past
Relieving high school days of shower and masturbation = managing rejection perhaps?

Poly addictions
None

Orgasm
Yes




Lesson 18
Used compulsive behavior ritual in lesson 17 and applied through filters here…

sensory stimulation
sight
time
amount of time spent looking until reached threshold of maximum stimulation
looked from 8am to 6pm
maximum threshold was reached around 2-4pm
continued looking from 4pm-6pm, yet I was past maximum stimulation b/c of shame

with the increase in time, sight sensory need additional stimulation to reach threshold. This is seen just from searching for strip clubs the night before, to massage parlors, to prostitutes online…I needed this increase in time to reach threshold.

intensity
being a master of maximizing stimulation from visual sensory…I started off slow…using googlemaps to find whatever places around me.
However…I slowly increased the intensity over a period of 6 stimulating hours…where it then transitioned to escorts….and then it reached the final sight stimulation when it was fully saturated by…finding a trans escort pornstar in my city

I didn’t even need porn to have a high. I could just use google maps and this sight would be enough. However, I needed to increase stimulation, which is why I introduced prostitutes in search.

In short…it has NOTHING TO DO ABOUT WHAT I WAS SEARCHING FOR. IT WAS ALL JUST FOR THE STIMULATION.

and when I SELECTED MY GOAL…I would do WHATEVER IT WOULD TAKE…to achieve the goal….but at the same time…the accomplishment of the goal was really irrelevant…because it was all about the feeling that I would gain from accomplishing the goal. Thus, it could be the goal of prostitutes, masturbating alone, going to a strip club, etc…it doesn’t matter. It could be absolutely anything.

habituation
the other reason why I was able to engage in this ritual for 6 plus hours is because of the novelty. This habituation was brand new for me…in terms of this fantasizing / sexualizing…I’ve never looked before on google maps any massage parlor ever. Even though I went to a few in 2009 when studying abroad, but it wasn’t really my thing.
My sight was FASCINATED with realizing I could literally walk to not one…but at least two massage parlors and more within a ten minute drive.

The element of sight in terms of seeing on computer screen that I could pay to have sex with pornstars who were transgender was not only novelty but a huge fantasy of mine.
I somehow walked into a website where I could find not just my favorite cookie…but literally a whole factory creating these giant cookies…




fantasy
time
the images of fantasy…oh my gosh
again with time….the fantasy became stronger and stronger…and more stimulated, which is connected with time…I think the most amazing thing about this entire experience is that I was able to…fool myself into thinking that…well…as long as I stay in my home…I’m not doing anything that bad though, right?
Time here…doesn’t even matter…it becomes irrelevant. It was like I spent the whole day at work but instead looking for escorts. The sun rose and went down and I was still at computer. I was completely engaged in the fantasy…and it became better than my reality…

intensity
the intensity of the fantasy grew tremendously. I think the amazing thing about this is that I did not plan on meeting up with someone. I was just in love with the IDEA / the FANTASY about going to a massage parlor or paying a prostitute. Because my mind found a way that I can stimulate myself without breaking a “bottom line” in my twelve step…and the fantasy grew not just from paying for a massage parlor but then wanting to have sex with an escort who then was a pornstar + transgender. It’s like I was able to combine all of these elements involved to create the most INTENSE STIMULATION possible

that’s it.
it’s like this one person’s page that I clicked on and scrolled through and saw her video and whatever. It’s like her IMAGE = several elements to create the most intense stimulation for me:

image = escort (danger + power + suspense)
pornstar (danger + suspense + FANTASY)
transgender (visual sensory + touch sensory + fantasy)

it’s like all of these elements combined to create just one feeling

I’ll digress now…but I think that’s why I felt so grossed out afterwards because I realized how much of a risk I would be putting for myself to get STDs….but it’s like none of that matters though because…the cookie

Just to sum up about fantasy…I could create a whole dream about having sex with these prostitutes, without even needing to contact them because of my fantasy…
habituation
habituation was least saturated here which is why the fantasy was so incredibly strong. Yes I’ve experienced this fantasy before, but I’ve never actually knew that I could pay to have sex with a pornstar who lives in the city I do. I mean, it makes sense, but never actually ended up on a site like this…so because of that…the habituation was all fairly new to me, which is why the fantasy through the filter of habituation was so stimulating.

Danger
Time
Through the filter of time, I was able to increase the danger that I was “fantasizing” about doing…ie. going to a massage parlor is probably less dangerous than meeting one on one with an escort…but who knows

Intensity
I clearly knew how to increase the stimulation without even “thinking” about it. for example, the night before I did this binge, I also was binging on my phone for about twenty mins looking for strip clubs. I increased this stimulation by increasing the danger involved…introduce massage parlors the next morning. When I completely saturated the stimulation and received as much satisfaction as I possibly could from looking up massage parlors….i chose to introduce another level of stimulation, which were the escorts.

And because this was more new to me…I really enjoyed the stimulation that I could maximize from this…until I saturated this stimulation completely.

The most fascinating thing is that I didn’t even need to be in physical danger for my mind to get stimulated from this element. All I needed was just to go on an internet page with prostitutes, massage parlor, etc….and that created the artificial stimulation of danger that I needed to be high for hours.

Again, it’s not the behavior, but the emotions that surround the behavior, which is important. In short, even though many times in the past I didn’t even leave my apartment…I didn’t need to do this to get high….in fact I feel like several times the fantasy ended as soon as I left my apartment to meet up with someone but changed my mind because it was too “real”…it’s like within the comfort of my own bedroom…that is where the safety was…
Not necessarily with other people and acting out with them…but just with the images in my head and the safety that I could create within my own world.

Because that’s what it’s about…finding safety…and being safe…

Habituation
With danger…the reason why strip clubs didn’t appeal to me is because it wasn’t new to me…I mean I’ve been to them before…even though it’s been again like ten years but there just wasn’t much danger involved. I needed something…illegal. That was the stimulation for me. Because I usually don’t break the law unless my addiction is driving the wheel.
so again…the reason why I was so fascinated with the danger of massage parlor is because it was completely new to me for searching for this in my city. Add in escorts as well…and it’s the same thing, too.


Suspense…the unknown
The “jackpot” does not have to be hit to achieve a mind-altered state. The excitement of not knowing what will happen can also produce such an arousal.

Time
Utilized uncertainty in searching on web pages over several hours to maximize stimulation.

Intensity
With years of experience…I was able to utilize time to have the most sustained amount of suspense possible

Increase in uncertainty regarding web pages ie. more dangerous = more suspenseful…increase in stimulation

habituation

I must have been in a Hitchcock movie…because I was continuing down this compulsive ritual ALL DAY. It was nuts. The sad…unfortunate truth is how much MORE SUSPENSE MY PORN BLOCKERS ADDED! Because I could not literally view a porn website…or sites that contain porn…my sex addict mind felt REJECTED or a SENSE OF FAILURE. Thus…in order to ACHIEVE A FEELING OF SUCCESS…I had to do a workaround by adding another STEP in search of my escort / massage parlor fantasy thought.
In short…I actually used my phone to take pictures of the escorts BEFORE I was kicked off the site…and then I could type in their name on google and find them and then I wouldn’t somehow be kicked off…
It’s like….this blocker actually INCREASED the suspense and made it MORE SATISFYING when I actually find this workaround method.
The thing about all of this suspense…is that during this day…I didn’t even consider about actually leaving my apt…I actually thought that it would’ve maybe been better if I just went to a massage parlor and gotten it over with instead of spending literally eight hours destroying my brain on the internet. But then that would’ve involved other rituals as well such as more danger, accomplishment, orgasm, etc….which irregardless…at this point…doesn’t really make a difference…because this was my FAVORITE cookie…and there’s some sad reality to this cookie…this isolated cookie that’s my favorite. I’m gonna burn this cookie down.

Accomplishment
Time
In search of the perfect fantasy…I actually was successful in maximizing this stimulation by being able to hunt for my target over several hours. However, as soon as I selected my target, or was debating between two targets who would uphold my perfect template of perfection…I went over my threshold of maximum stimulation. There was nothing else to do…since I accomplished my goal of finding “the one” I terms of a perfect sexual fantasy.

Intensity
Due to the amount of hours spent, it’s a clear reflection that my subconscious was aware of what perfection in a target was. Because of my skills in web searching…and…building suspense in unknown web pages…I utilized elements of fantasy, danger, suspense, power, sensory of sight…in order to build the greatest high of accomplishment.

It’s fascinating to see how the different elements work together to build the perfect accomplishment, which is only to achieve maximum stimulation…as quickly as possible…and to utilize these elements to maintain this stimulation for as long as possible.

It’s also important to note that after all of my years of being a sex addict, that I was able to combine all of my favorite ingredients together to equate the perfect stimulation. I couldn’t have found this temporary perfection without all of my years of practice.

Habituation
I was smart…in order to…achieve maximum stimulation…and to accomplish this goal…I needed to be engaged in something that I’ve “never done before”, which is to start off searching with massage parlors. Especially that limitations prevented me from going on dating or hook up apps…I was “the victim” to utilize another ingredient at my fingertips for accomplishing maximum stimulation for as long as possible.

I used “new” elements (danger -> massage parlors & prostitutes) with old elements (fantasy + sight sensory -> porn stars, transgender women) to accomplish a stimulation that went on for many enjoyable hours.

It’s fascinating how my addiction will somehow want to deceive me with playing the victim card that “I’ve never done this before”. Because that’s the point! There are literally an infinite number of elements that my mind can utilize in order to achieve maximum stimulation. And my addiction’s an unfortunate expert at utilizing different elements together to achieve maximum stimulation, which isn’t the goal (accomplishment) that my addiction will utilize whatever ingredients / elements available to ACHIEVE this goal.
The objective facts, energy lost, and shame afterwards is not relevant. It is willingly to RELENTLESSLY PURSUE THIS GOAL OF MAXIMUM STIMULATION AT WHATEVER COST.

Without the accomplishment, there is no goal for my brain to achieve. And the goal of maximum and sustained stimulation for as long as possible can be accomplished by so many different elements and behaviors. In fact…the behaviors are irrelevant.

It is the stimulation, emotions surrounding behavior, that matter.

For example…I could easily escalate this cookie to increase danger by sleeping with prostitutes. Increase danger even more by making it unprotected sex, which I’ve done in the but justified with naivety that oral sex is safe when it obviously isn’t.

So yes…it’s not the behavior that matters. It’s the stimulation surrounding the behavior that matters most.

Power
time
increase in stimulation of fantasizing control over others in this ritual regarding amount of time engaged. Mastered how to extract as much stimulation for as long as possible.

intensity
increase stimulation by increase “control” in fantasy on internet. Since started with massage parlor, increase stimulation to escorts, which is just an increase in control.

Also important to note about the skills of control over others. I feel that…if I’m able to just FEEL in control simply just by selecting a prostitute on the internet…it just shows how advanced the sense of FALSE POWER is in my addiction. It’s false because it’s an illusion. I didn’t even connect with a prostitute. But that’s not the point. The point is…that in my mind…I felt in CHARGE…like I was selecting baseball cards for a tradeoff. And I was the one who made the final call.

But the sad thing is is that it was just a fantasy of power. Crazy how much my mind yearns for that sense of control, even if it’s just me alone with my computer…

habituation
once reached saturation with search of massage parlors, increased boost in stimulation when searched for prostitutes. Great control is again greater stimulation. Prostitutes provides more power because the one selecting who I would, in my mind, have sex with. There was less power if I do not have the ability to do this, which I did not do when searching for massage parlors.


Past
Time
Because of controlling parents, and feeling emotionally neglected in a stable home…
Increase in time shows how emotionally disconnected and isolated I felt…
Ironic because as I sought to increase stimulation over a greater amount of time, I consequently increased my sense of isolation and disconnection from reality, which is a manifestation of my childhood.

It’s fascinating because I was not molested…and I grew up in a loving home, yet there was a SUBTLE disconnection between my parents, with their best intentions, and myself. This is reflected in my acting out because it may seem easy to dismiss or disregard my acting out as just a day I wasted on the internet. That’s not that uncommon, right? Yet it’s not about the behavior of online searching itself. It’s about the emotions themselves. And how I searched for some incredible emotional stimulation from the internet…since I did not receive from the intimacy that I yearned to have…especially from my father…who just does not have the emotional capacity to support me in the way I emotionally needed support and love.

The time I spent on the internet is a direct reflection of me relieving the emotional neglect…that wound…and filling it up with an illusion of intimacy and love, yet is ultimately poison for my heart.

It’s stimulating up until I reach my threshold, yet when I go over my threshold, the mask comes off…and I feel worse off.

Intensity

In order to fill up the void of feeling emotional neglect, I need to logically increase the stimulation, which is the intensity.
It’s fascinating because I became more disconnected with my values during this binge, I thus needed to increase the stimulation in order to maintain a certain high before the cards came crashing down. It was like I was running away from my own…emotional neglect or uncomfortable feelings. And by doing so…I ultimately make myself worse off instead of just leaning into my feelings. I was on a high speed train that had no brakes…and it looked like this train I was on was going through puffy and pretty clouds…but turn on the light switch and all I see are monsters and demons of my own creation. If only I choose to stay with my feelings instead of getting on the express lane to hell, I would recognize that this increase stimulation is just a lie of my own making…a thought that I manipulate in my mind for artificial stimulation.

habituation
with all of the other elements involved that made this binge enjoyable / ecstatic…I feel that I simply just introduced one new element to make it more enjoyable…and thus I am distancing myself, temporarily, from the isolation that I felt as a child. Except that, I’m actually making the isolation much worse.



Orgasm
time
I did not orgasm during this binge, but I know that’s why it was so enjoyable. I was able to maximize the sensory of sight fantasy elements plus danger and suspense over hours because I chose to not orgasm and stimulate myself via touch. I believe that with the rules of “middle circle” behavior that I made in SAA, that my addiction allowed me to build a workaround for me to not only just have an acting out experience without feeling like I didn’t break a bottom line, which I obviously did, but to…just substitute the short lived intensity from an orgasm…to a much longer day of less orgasmic intensity…but to fill my mind with other stimulations with sensory of sight plus danger.

The day was only so stimulating because of choosing to not orgasm.

intensity

by being able to enjoy myself for so long without having an orgasm shows how much I have become an expert in utilizing other elements while still staying in the “middle circle”. This has been demonstrated over years of going to meetings where I can say that I was in a “middle circle” behavior by going on an online dating website for perhaps a little bit too long…but no harm…no foul, right? Bullsh*t.
it proves to me that I just simply decreased the stimulation in one element and increased the stimulation in another…again..no harm no foul in switching elements around, right? The possibilities of switching up ingredients to equate to the same GOAL of maximum and sustained stimulation are just simply endless.

I deceived myself into thinking that if I removed the physical from the binge (sensory of touch plus orgasm) then it’s not really acting out…and I’m simply just roaming the internet. But again, it’s not just about the behavior itself, but the emotions surrounding it….thus by deception of whether or not this is acting…or that it simply would be over if I orgasm…I was able to increase intensity in all of other elements by keeping the intensity of orgasm to as low as possible.

habituation
since I was far from the threshold of orgasm because sensory of touch was not included in the cookie I made that day, the stimulation I feel I was receiving from not having an orgasm was actually rather high. Especially because I was as far away from this maximum stimulation, it made it that much more enjoyable.

It’s important to not forget that, even though this was an excessive binge, I was weekly spending hours on porn sites in college….and the orgasm was actually always on the bottom of the list. It actually was most enjoyable to NOT be near an orgasm, which is essentially to remove the sensory of touch, and increase the stimulation from sight…so I can be even watching a fantasy to find the perfect fantasy….like I was fantasizing about finding someone to orgasm with…and the longer the fantasy went on the find the target, the more stimulating the actual orgasm would be. It’s just that this day…I was not going to orgasm…or I actually passed that threshold when I reached maximum stimulation. But that was my trick. I just thought if I I didn’t orgasm, I’m fine in terms of sobriety. And that is why I did not include sensory of touch in this binge…because to include sensory of touch, is to choose to then orgasm. And then my sponsor would’ve been disappointed…but by removing sensory of course…I increase sensory of sight, fantasy, etc.

In short, all of these times I thought I wasn’t acting out by not having an orgasm, was just another trick of deception…because I was just changing the behavior involved…and not the emotional stimulation per say…



Love addiction compulsive behavior
Girl at work

Fantasy
Time
It can literally be me just walking by her desk in the morning

Intensity
I couldn’t even realize…that just from seeing the back of her increased my stimulation. Like I could feel nervous and excitement, and over the past few weeks it turned into anxiety because I felt like these specific thoughts I had no control over…

And it’s like…I’ve become such a master at just seeing the back of someone’s head can trigger these fantasies of she’s “the one” and there’s no one else.

but it’s the same EXACT thing with my sex addiction.
It’s not about HER. She’s just a target for my own self-stimulation.

And that’s what I started to connect. And that’s what I started to feel sad about when I saw her. Because I started to feel a sense of loss. And it was the weirdest sense of loss. It wasn’t a sense of loss of her…it was more of a sense of loss of….i found the goblin that was in the back of my head who was pulling these tricks from his magic hat on how to deceive me. And with the light shining RIGHT at him…it’s like…it became impossible / difficult to deceive myself…at least with this target.

That she’s not the one. And she’s A CO-WORKER. She’s a colleague of mine. And I’m a colleague of her. And that’s it. she just became a target for my own self-stimulation. And when I realized it…it’s like I felt sad to know that I couldn’t self-stimulate every time I would walk by her desk in the morning because I knew that it wasn’t real…but it was just a thought that this fucking goblin in the back of my head dropped in my sight and told me SHE’S THE ONE …and THIS IS THOUGHT THAT IS THE SELF-STIMULATING THOUGHT. And from this thought --- I can day dream / get nervous when I see her and all of that.

And I get it. she’s a nice person to talk to and all of that. But there’s a difference between GETTING ALONG with someone…and getting these droplets of self-stimulation because I have these thoughts, which I CHOOSE…that tell me she’s the one.

I mean who wouldn’t get self-stimulated if they unconsciously tell themselves that every time they see a pretty girl? Obviously…me lol.

The point is…that through corrective thoughts..i can write down that she’s an employee…and those were the moments of truth that the goblin didn’t want to hear. But I had to break down the wall. Even though it wasn’t enjoyable. And it’s true though

Habituation
So basically this is when I reach the point of maximum stimulation. And from this perspective about this colleague, it makes sense why the thoughts of stimulating ‘she’s the one’ is so exciting is because I just her a few months ago! So of course it’s exciting and things like that. And in order to increase the habituation, that’s how I would get to know her better….or if she just leaves her job or I leave…then I would select another target for self-stimulating fantasies of she’s the one.

The cookie never changes. I mean…it does…because it’s just a different ingredient ie. a young cute girl vs an older blonde woman vs a transgender woman WHATEVER --- the point is…I can select whatever target I want…just like I do with searching for porn….and that person is simply a target of stimulation until it reaches a threshold…and in the past the threshold is reached when I get news that the relationship cannot realistically move forward…ie…she loses interest in me…or just wasn’t interested in me and just tells me to be friends like in high school. At that point, the fantasy fades because there’s no way for it to go.

HOWEVER! Even up until most recently…I would still FIND A WAY in my fantasy to connect some unrealistic dots to CONTINUE THE FANTASY. And that’s all it was. I would look for bullshit reasons in my head for WHY I would want to reach out to her. For example, a girl that I went on two dates late last year during holidays told me she just wanted to be friends right before the Christmas break and that she um didn’t want to be dating because she didn’t know what she wanted for dating and just was a workaholic and just could be friends.

Even up until recently…I’ve had these SELF-STIMULATING THOUGHTS OF FANTASY THAT I COULD POSSIBLY REACH OUT TO HER…and I CAN JUST CREATE…this FANTASY…of someone that I haven’t talked to in several months…and I can just GET this high…this fantasy….even if it’s just for a moment….of like oh….what if I do reach out to her? What if we could be friends? Maybe I can ask my life coach about this and she’ll give me the OK and then I can use that to justify my bullshit fucking behavior for just seeking a self-stimulating thought.
Or maybe I do just call her to get out of my fantasy…but then if she answers then I will continue the fantasy.
The point is, before I get dragged into this, is that…with a simple thought of developing a relationship with someone who TURNED ME DOWN…I can still find ways to RECONNECT…that aren’t healthy…and their only purpose is simply to just to feel a little sense of emotional stimulation…instead of searching for a real relationship that will take work and with someone who would want to be with me

It’s like going on a job interview and they’re not interested…but I still want to email HR months later…especially if the job was filled

sensory (sight)
Time
Time spent looking --- it can literally just be making eye contact
I realize that that’s all I need at times to just break off into fantasy and create a fantasy
I can CONVINCE myself that if I hold eye contact with someone for a quarter of a second, then that’s grounds that they’re interested in me…and I can create a fantasy without even saying a word to them.

Intensity
My gosh…again…I just need to make eye contact. In high school…it was more about a conversation that would send me spinning….like there was something real at least? It’s like…I just need to make eye contact and I can create an entire relationship with someone.

Habituation
Again it gets boring if I use the same person, right? How many girls have I told myself she’s the one? How do I remember girls that I’ve only seen once in my lifetime and never even shared a word with them..but just saw them from a distance? It’s like I just project the elements that I’m looking for in the one…onto them and they fit the bill and I can create a relationship with them without saying a word to them..

The fascinating thing is how many times…I would say at least even more than a hundred…of just girls..beautiful cute women and girls of all different backgrounds…mainly brunettes…who are cute and quiet…and I’ve just continued to create and create and create relationships and stories in my head with them…that no one will actually listen to or see…since they aren’t real stories…they are self-stimulating thoughts…which I project onto these targets

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

hey kenzo! thanks for the thoughts...and for the reminders haha.
it's easy to say some things and not always follow through? this past week has been difficult with the whole virus spreading, but it took me up until yesterday to recognize that i am the one CHOOSING to be impacted by the news and i'm the one CHOOSING to thoughts of all of uncertainty (job security, avoiding contamination, fear of my sister getting contaminated who's pregnant, foolish dad who thinks it's overblown, etc,) basically i feel like i was playing the victim card and chose to not focus on the things that are aligned with my values ie. writing, doing my main priorities, focusing on RN :/
CHOOSING to take responsibility. CHOOSING to be resilient in the here and now.

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 18 – 3/18/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Yes
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Difficult

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Did not write :(

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
No

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
No

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with brother

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5/6/10

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5/6/10

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Tight

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Coronavirus

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
RN / writing short

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Finding organic powder spinach online for smoothies

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 19 3/13/20
1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Sort’ve

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Difficult but wrote out affirmations

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
No did not write

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
No

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
No
6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with neighbors

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
4/3.5/10***

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
4/3.5/10

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Panic! Feel like body is being like a rubber band / body felt like I was contaminated with coronavirus, when not though

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Panic over coronavirus / no food at grocery store

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Relaxing
13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Ordering Chinese food with neighbors

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 20 3/14/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
No did not write

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
No

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with sister

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6/10

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6/10

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Tense

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Overslept due to anxiety

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
COVID-19

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Being prepared for isolation

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Getting food for sister and her hubbie

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 21 3/15/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Yes…felt ok

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Sort’ve in AM

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Ok

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
No…but watched home working out video

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes to myself

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with neighbor

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5/10

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5/10

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Ok…a little sluggish

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Overslept to 9 am

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
COVID-19
Fantasy of neighbor as a romantic interest for emotional stimulation…even though sensory of sight is not visually attracted…the sensory of sight plus fantasy seeks to build an emotional stimulation…even though I know deep down she’s not someone I would be with
Need to write corrective thinking to let this go

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Writing horror short
Plot casting video

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Bullet journal work

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 22 3/16/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Only in morning

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Sort’ve

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Better

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
Yes – exhausted!

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
No…first day working remotely from office due to covid-19

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
No

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5/7/10

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5/7/10

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Better after workout
10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Not really

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Horror, plot casting

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Doing workout

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 23 3/17/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
No :( overslept

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
No will tomorrow

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Ok

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5/7/10

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5/7/10

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
A little tight

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Overslept :(

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Contacting Drew --- emotional stimulation from fantasy + memory of sensory of sight (attractive)
Contacting Thao

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Trying to do too much…need to be realistic and accept consequences of choosing

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Giving myself 30 mins to relax and watch a cartoon show

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 24 3/18/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
No… panic buying binge in the morning instead of writing
And I still can’t find any grains! I don’t wanna go to the grocery store and risk getting it

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
Yes --- exhausted

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
No, not really…chatted with mom but was sort’ve mundane

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
5/10

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
5/10 --- boss over instant messaging sounded like he wanted to jump ship…would we lose our jobs if we can’t distribute movies because of this f*cking virus? Would I need to move back home and live with my parents because I wasn’t resilient? F* that

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Very tight

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Poor…difficulty falling asleep

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Obsessing w/ COVID-19
Searching for updates in my area…
Destructive thoughts on worse things possible

Had to stop myself and repeat to myself affirmations ‘I am resilient’
It actually helped :)

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Plot casting videos to watch
Writing horror short (yet even if I write it…how am I going to get actors in the next 2 months to be in it? is the film festival that I wanted to submit it for…to be released in October will they even be open? Unhealthy negative thinking…)
RN --- I cannot let this fucking virus stop me from doing the lessons. I’ve slowed down and I need to keep going

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Shared my tofu rice dinner bowl with my roomie :) she liked it!

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 25 3/19/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Yes

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
Yes

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
First half of day

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5/7/10

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5/7/10

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
More relaxed

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Fantasizing of ordering Chinese food tomorrow? Emotional stimulation received from sensory of taste…

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Plot casting notes + RN

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Going for a run and watching TV (cartoon show) afterwards (able to have FUN)


Lesson 19
3/14/20
I was able to be pretty hyper-engaged…starting around 2pm..
Was focused and had to pick up food
A guy walking got upset for going down a one way parking lot when there was no one driving
I simply said “thank you” in a polite manner…instead of getting sly or angry
Sat with my emotions
Found myself cruising on highway going to sister’s afterwards
Emotional stimulation received as I accelerated gas and listened to techno music with windows halfway opened
Danger has always been a part of my behavior…
Attempted to be mindful of stimulation received from driving fast on highway
Maintained awareness of value of going with the traffic flow, instead of zig zagging

Was mainly engaged with sister and her hubbie at their home this evening
High anxiety b/c of COVID-19 and her baby is due in five months
Will need to chat w/ my roomie about not sharing items in home…she’s not the brightest gal unfortunately and is downplaying the impact, even though we live in a densely populated area

When left my sis’ place…incredibly mindful of touching face and anything esp. when fueling for gas
Was getting tired
Found myself zig zagging in traffic a bit just to get home…did not feel as much in search of an emotional stimulation…but perhaps I was seeking that due to this stress
Home…searched on phone about covid-19 --- I knew prbly not best decision around 9:45pm but did so anyways
Headed to my bed room around 10pm…I was conscious that it would be better to go to bed, yet made decision to search for random potential items that I’m not necessarily buying now (searched for a pull up bar so I can workout at home instead of gym…searched for dishwashing gloves etc…..)
High anxiety clearly guiding my actions and I’m aware that this search is to feel some sense of power and…are searches to help curb anxiety due to fears of COVID-19

I think I was making it more silly and light hearted before…yet after spending time with sis first time this year…definitely am more mindful and how much more…isolated will need to be during this time as the virus will continue to spread more throughout CA…thankfully will be work from home starting this Monday


3/16/20
Becoming aware of all actions…conscious of all thoughts and feelings

Woke up around 9am --- overslept
Received emotional stimulation by looking at news on COVID-19
Triggered anxiety and also felt relief that working from home is now mandatory - received confirmation from CEO by text, voicemail, work email, personal email

Meditated
Talked to dad, yet felt anxious during conversation

Talked to roommate, felt anxious since I think she overheard me venting anxiety on phone re: that my roommate isn’t taking it serious...anyways she got the message from my POV

Washed faced / brushed --- teeth felt good…

11:50am
Started to get day ready
12:00pm
Emailed coached cheryl around 12:15pm…finished by 12:49pm
Stimulation felt good received in email…felt like it helped to SLOW DOWN my mind now

I realized by the end of the day I started to figure out what I was supposed to do with this exercise. It wasn’t so much about what I was doing…but the emotional stimulation that I was receiving from doing it. for example…I remember I was working on my bullet journal and it felt incredibly tedious and boring. But afterwards when I was done, I was so proud of it that I shared a video with my sister….who was very impressed by it.

Yet I remember when I was writing my bullet journal, that I wanted this yummy cereal that I bought the other day. And especially because I’m limiting my time going out, I got some snacks, which I usually don’t get. So why not enjoy a bowl of cereal?
I remember when I had a bite of this chocolatey cereal…it was SOOO GOOD. The emotional stimulation I received was IMMEDIATE pleasure from this delicious cereal.

Isn’t it fascinating? Like I wouldn’t share a picture of a delicious cereal that I’m about to have with someone…or feel proud of it…but I would feel proud of doing something like setting up my bullet journal.

So yes…I see a potential ‘ritual’ could easily be food. And I never considered myself for one to be addicted to food…but isn’t it interesting how easily it could become a substitute for sex? That I’m just replacing one emotional stimulation that’s immediate for another.

And the interesting thing is that I think during this weekend…I also FASCINATED on buying another cereal brand that I used to have when I was kid that was similar to the chocolatey cereal I just had. It’s like my mind wanted to continue down this chocolatey bowl of emotional stimulations from one cereal to the next cereal. And it’s like I can substitute it with ice cream. Or another dessert.

Also an interesting thing for me is that I usually eat pretty healthy during the week but will have more desserts during the weekend. But again I never been much of a dessert eater until I improved my nutrition a few years ago…just something to keep note of…

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 26 3/20/20


1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
No

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
No

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
No

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5/7/10

8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5/7/10

9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Ok

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Erika from college (thought)
Drew (thought)

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
No

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Chatting with friends on zoom


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 27 3/21/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking?
No
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Ok
4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
Yes
5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes with priorities

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7
8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7
9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Good
10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good
11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Crazy sexual dreams of blonde girl who also was a killer and was in a parking lot that was filling up with water

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Plot casting class

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Doing priorities



Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 28 3/22/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking?
No
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Yes
4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
No
5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
Yes with priorities

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes facetime with mom and dad

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7
8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7
9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Good…need to decrease comfort food

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Not really

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Bed by 9pm

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Doing all of priorities



Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 29 3/23/20


1. Did I use corrective thinking?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Yes

4. Did I exercise, even if just for a few minutes?
Yes

5. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others?
First half of day

6. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
A little with brother

7. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
8. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5
9. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Bloody nose…allergies? Stress?

10. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

11. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Anxiety / job / covid

12. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Focus in job

13. What did I feel most proud of today?
Woke up early to do priorities



Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 30 3/24/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Yes

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Yes
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
No
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Yes

5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
No
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
No
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
No
8. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
No
9. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
No
10. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with neighbor

11. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6
12. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6
13. How did my body? Any unusual tension?
Tight

14. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Overslept

15. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Texts from ex

16. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Waking up at 4:50 AM

17. What did I feel most proud of today?
Making garbanzo beans



Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 31 3/25/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
N
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
Y
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
Y
8. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
9. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
10. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Y with family
11. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7
12. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7
13. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?

14. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good
15. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Sad over loss of physical and emotional stimulation


16. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Bedtime at 9:30 PM

17. What did I feel most proud of today?
Facetime with family



Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 32 3/26/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
N
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
Y
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
N
8. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
9. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
A little
10. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with family

11. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
12. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good
14. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Not good….bowel movement issue due to stress from job, which literally took time away dedicated to writing in morning

15. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Saw a gif…forwarded it to my brother…was a cute Asian girl…realized after scrolling to search for gif after 30 seconds not a good idea and was triggered….turned off my phone

16. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Anxiety that someone on my floor at work tested positive for covid
17. What did I feel most proud of today?
Talked to friends




Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 33 3/27/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Y
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
Y
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
N

8. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
9. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Y
10. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
11. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5
12. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

13. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Tight…needed body scanning

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
A lot of positive affirmation / corrective thinking needed because of negativity

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Bed early

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
I could hear my positive affirmations in my head without saying them out loud…internalizing them




Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 34 3/28/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Y
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
Y
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
Y
8. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Not sure…did not work out
9. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with uncle and father

10. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5 / 7

11. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5 / 7

12. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

13. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Ok

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Negative voices after talked with father regarding investing money now

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Bed early

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Cooked stir fry tofu



Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 35 3/29/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
No did not need to

2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Y

4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y

5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
Don’t remember

6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
No did not watch plot casting

7. Did I clean for five minutes today?

8. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?

9. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with brother, sister, mom and dad

10. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5 / 7

11. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5 / 7
12. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

13. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Tight in neck

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Thoughts of porn when writing lesson 20

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Plot casting class

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Completed lesson 20 part A!


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 36 3/30/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
N did not write today
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
Don’t remember
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
Y
8. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Sort’ve
9. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom
10. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6 / 6.5
11. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6 / 6.5
12. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok

13. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Eyes twitching

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Negative thoughts in afternoon…a lot of negative thinking

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Bed early

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Watched star wars cartoon show
*went to bed around 11 pm after watched TV

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 37 3/31/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Y
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
Y
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
N
8. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Sort’ve
9. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Talked to mom

10. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
11. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5
12. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok
13. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Possible eye twitch
14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Yes when I sit down I’ve had thoughts of wanting penetration…I know it’s wanting to be stimulated…and when I break it down I start whining lol

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Plot casting
16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Getting ready for bed early

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 38 4/1/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Ok
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
Y
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
N
8. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
9. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
10. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with Joe P
11. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6
12. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Overslept to 6am

14. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Eye twitch

15. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Artificial thoughts of penetration…fear of letting go

16. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Waking up at 5am

17. What did I feel most proud of today?
Did work late to help colleagues



Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 39 4/2/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Y
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
Y
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
N
8. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
9. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
No resentful…choose kindness with boss

10. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom

11. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6 / 6.5
12. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6 / 6.5

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

14. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Ok
15. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Continuing artificial thoughts of penetration
Obsessed on pandemic via news
Anger / resentful mind games with responding to boss in passive aggressive manner…not healthy

16. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
High fear of going to grocery store during current crisis


17. What did I feel most proud of today?
Honesty with my writing


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 40 4/3/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
N
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
Y
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
N
8. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
9. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y

10. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with friends

11. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
5.5 / 6
12. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
5.5. / 6
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Overslept

14. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Ok
15. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
A lot of negativity in my head
My thoughts were creating anxiety about leaving apartment for groceries

16. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Completing lesson 20

17. What did I feel most proud of today?
Apologized to friend after snapping at him


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 41 4/4/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
No…too anxious

3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Wrote, yet not productive

4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Yes, not immediately

5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
N
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
Y
8. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
9. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
N
10. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Unfortunately lost my temper with mom

11. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
5
12. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
4.5
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Overslept / sexual dreams / awoke with slight erection

14. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Eye twitch

15. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Annoyance with thoughts of penetration in my head to stimulate me

16. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Anxiety with covid
Online researching on it

*Managing my life with health

17. What did I feel most proud of today?
Not sure  terrified of acting out…
High alert to be aware
Take care of myself*


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 42 4/5/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
N
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
Y
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
Y
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
Y
8. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
9. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
No…bailed on call with friends because turned off phone due to anxiety

10. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with family

11. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5 / 7

12. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Difficulty sleeping

14. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Neck hurts when woke up
Eye twitching

15. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Not really

16. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Sleep at 9pm

17. What did I feel most proud of today?
Followed through with main priorities




Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 43 4/6/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
N
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
N
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
N
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
Y
8. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
9. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
10. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
N
11. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
12. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Overslept

14. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?

15. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Anal penetration…annoying thoughts

16. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Waking up on time

17. What did I feel most proud of today?
Attempted caulking



Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 44 4/7/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
N
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
Y
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
Y
8. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
9. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
10. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with Bryant, brother, and mom

11. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5 / 7

12. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
3 / 10 at 10am at grocery store
7 / 10 at at 10 pm

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok
14. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?

15. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Slight annoyance of penetration thoughts

16. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Discarding / put clothes in washer from grocery store shopping

17. What did I feel most proud of today?
Stayed in my anxiety of grocery shopping during pandemic


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 45 4/8/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
N
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?

6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
N
8. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
9. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
10. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
N
11. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6 – anger from work / inefficient process

12. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6 / overslept

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok
14. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?

15. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Slight trigger for a girl on youtube searching for music

16. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Kindness for myself

17. What did I feel most proud of today?
Worked my ass off at work


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 46 4/9/20

1. Did I use corrective thinking today?
Y
2. Was I emotionally connected with my positive affirmations?
Y
3. Did I feel productive in writing?
N
4. Did I read the ‘happiness prayer’ when I woke up today?
Y
5. Did I say ‘I will write and direct horror short’ when in bed falling asleep last night?
N
6. Did I watch writing class video today? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I clean for five minutes today?
Y
8. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
9. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
10. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with colleagues

11. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
12. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Difficulty falling asleep, yet woke up on time at 5:15am

14. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Slight twitching eye

15. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Colleague / wanting to flirt on group call

16. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Kindness for myself

17. What did I feel most proud of today?
Rewatched unwinding anxiety video – trigger, behavior, reward habit loop





Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 47 4/10/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
N

3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
N
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
N
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Y
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Y with Meambree, Neil

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Intense dream of acting out with partner from a decade ago

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok…napped after meditating

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Annoying thoughts of pornstar still

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Sleep early

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Connected with college friends


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 48 4/11/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
N
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y cooking biscuits

8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with Neil and Jess

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Better with annoying sexual thoughts

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok
14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
N
15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Sleep late

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Lived a great day --- cooked, wrote, RN, worked out

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 49 4/12/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y, 5/10 rating

2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y believe so
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y running
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Y
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
y
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y mailed card to Laura
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with sister and brother in law

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Good after running

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Dream about dating an Asian girl

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Main priorities

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Apologized to mom after snapping at her

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 50 4/13/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y

3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y running + homework out

5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Y bathroom

6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y lesson 22

7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y need to take breaks in afternoon

8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Y with roomie

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5 / 7

10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5 / 7

11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Good after workout

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Thoughts of Thao when exhausted at end of day

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Shutting down after 6pm

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Going to bed before 10 pm

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 51 4/14/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y felt Ok
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
I believe so

3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Running + home work out

5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Sort’ve…wiped down stove

6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y lesson 22

7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y better w/ breaks

8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Y talked to mom for a minute

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5 / 7
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5 / 7
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Good

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Yes during end of day I believe

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Sexual thought of co-worker when getting ready for bed

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Writing videos

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Feel more emotionally balanced

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 52 4/15/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Watched writing video

2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y I believe so

3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y

4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Yes laundry

6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Yes typing lesson 2

7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with brother and mom and dad

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7 
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7 
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Good
12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Yes at end of day

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Overslept but makes sense since getting up before 5am past 2 nights

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Dream about someone I never met but was in love with

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Writing videos

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Going for a run during my lunch break

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 53 4/16/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
No watched class video

2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y

3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
N
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Y w/ mom

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Good

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
N

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good, overslept

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Yes person in online class…fear of using images of her to create immediate gratification…I recognize she’s a person and it’s my mind…but let me experience…how does this actually make me feel?

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Avoiding committing to writing class

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Running

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 54 4/17/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
N
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
N
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
N but went to grocery store lol

5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Y
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
N
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with Stephanie

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Exhausted

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Not enough

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Y but was able to overcome with breathing

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Main priorities

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Picked up grocery for my sister

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 55 4/18/20

1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
I believe so

4. Did I do any physical activity today?
N
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
N
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y with making chili

8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Y with immediate family

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5 / 7
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
A bit tired

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok
14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Fear of loneliness since roommate left to go back home because of furlough

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Main priorities

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Made blueberry chocolate chip pancakes 

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 56 4/19/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Y laundry
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y with main priorities
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Y with Dad and mom

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Home gym workout + running + meditation = feeling great

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
N
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Overslept

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Yes when running and saw a woman…needed to remind myself “runner” and not “the one”

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Bed on time
16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Had a great day 

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 57 4/20/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
No will fold laundry after this

6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y

7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Yes to work

8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
No – brief chat w/ mom
9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5 / 7
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5 / 7

11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Good
12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Yes
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Overslept a bit

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Felt / thought of fantasy when working too long without a break

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Bed on time

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Work accomplished in job

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 58 4/21/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Y
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Yes with work
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with father
9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6 / 6.5
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6 / 6.5
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Tense with boss
12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Yes
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok
14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Not I remember / Thao
15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Yes priorities (RN + Writing class)
16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Went running

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 59 4/22/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
N
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
N
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
No but meeting with Coach Cheryl
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Yes with work
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom and brother

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Tense in morning

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok…took a minute to fall asleep…and sexual dreams

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Sexual dreams

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Bed

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Did work for my classmates

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 60 4/23/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
N – watched partial video

2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
N
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Y with mom
9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Tense because behind in job

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Good just wasted time after meditation

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Woke up aroused

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
No just feel behind

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Running

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 61 4/24/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
No did not write

2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
N
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
N
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Y
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom
9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Ok
12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok
14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Dreamed Thao not interested in me

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Following on commitment of going to bed early

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Worked hard today and felt efficient

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 62 4/25/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y ok
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
N
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Y
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y RN / writing / working out
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom and dad

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Good

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Yes
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Slept a lot
14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
No
15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
No
16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Talked to neighbors that I don’t know…telling them to be mindful of noise re: parties during quarantine

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 63 4/26/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y ok
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
N
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
N
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y – groceries for sister

8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Tense
12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good
14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Y need to let go of all fantasies
15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Bed

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Getting groceries for sister

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 64 4/27/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y, ok
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y

3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
N
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Y laundry
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y work
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom and dad
9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Tense / anxiety

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Overslept a bit

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
N

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Calling rental LA office

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Breathed into anxiety

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 65 4/28/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y ok
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Y laundry

6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Sort’ve with work

8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom and dad and brother

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Anxious

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Too little

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
N
15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
N / sleep

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Watched correct posture video

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 66 4/29/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
No just read memos
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Don’t remember

4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y stretching for back posture

5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
N
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y with work
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom and dad

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Tight

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good
14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
No

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Posture
16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Correcting posture

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 67 4/30/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
No just class

2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y

3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y

4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y stretching

5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
N
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
N

7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Yes with work

8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom and Dad

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
7
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
7
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Tense

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Well

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Girl in online class…yet Ok now
15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Bed

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Checked girl’s classmate online work profile, yet anxiety about it dropped after facing the unknown

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 68 5/1/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y, ok
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
N
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Y stretching
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
N
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
N
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Sort’ve with work
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Y with Mom and Dad and friends
9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5 / 7
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5

11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Ok

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Yes with Drew / Thao etc.

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Bed

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Gave oranges to neighbor

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 69 5/2/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Not sure
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
N
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Y
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y
7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Yes with writing and RN

8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with mom

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6.5
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6.5
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Tight back

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Good

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Some on neighbor

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Waking up early

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Writing and relaxing


Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 70 5/3/20


1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Not sure
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Stretching
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
N
6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y

7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Some with writing

8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Yes with parents, brother, friends from high school

9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Tightness

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y

13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
Y of neighbor

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Sleep on time

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Meal prepped

Lesson 14 – Daily Health Monitoring Phase 2 – Day 71 5/4/20

1. Did I feel productive in writing? If so, did I feel productive?
Y
2. Did I connect with a positive affirmation after meditating?
Y
3. Did I connect with positive thoughts before falling asleep last night?
Y
4. Did I do any physical activity today?
Running / workout before work
5. Did I clean or organize for five minutes today --- other than dishes?
Y laundry

6. Did I read or write on lessons from RN? Even if just for ten minutes?
Y just typing up health monitoring

7. Did I derive meaning from committing to my work? If I did not work today, did I follow through on commitments to myself and / or to others? What did I specifically commit to?
Y
8. Did I have a meaningful conversation with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or housemate?
Y with mom
9. How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace
6
10. How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
6
11. How did my body feel? Any unusual tension?
Slight eye twitching

12. Did I take a moment to BREATHE when stuck in habit loop of anxiety? If I took ONE MOMENT today, this is a yes 
Y
13. How would I rate my quality of sleep?
Ok

14. Are there any repeating, specific fantasies?
N really

15. Are there any pink elephants in the room I’m avoiding?
Bed on time

16. What did I feel most proud of today?
Told friend I needed some space, yet feel sad because not sure how our friendship will be going forward

Lesson 20
Note to those reading this…
I probably went way too in depth than I needed to for lesson 20. I actually went too far because I was triggering myself when writing this. For that reason, I’d recommend skipping over this if this may be an issue…since it does become graphic on the second half of this lesson…

1)
As a child…I felt I was happy. There are, of course, moments that made me feel otherwise. I feel an early example that shows I was emotionally deprived was…I was about 5 or 6…and I remember hiding from my family behind furniture. And I remember hearing them calling for my name…and I felt so happy that they were looking for me. That I needed them to validate that they cared enough for me to look for me and find out where I was. Maybe I wasn’t invisible.

I know I always wanted to fit in, even though I didn’t…or perceived I did not. I knew I was funny so laughter and being silly was how I would connect with others. This was the early stages of my mask. My parents raised me, and still continue to speak me, like “Don’t be sad”, “Don’t be angry”, “Don’t worry about the coronavirus”, etc.

With my parents’ best intensions, they raised me with the belief that I NEED to be happy all the time. Uncomfortable feelings are not good. I only wish I learned from them…how to manage uncomfortable feelings instead of “don’t feel them”. Considering I am the youngest of three, I naturally leaned on what I “should do” instead of what I “want to do”. Connected with what I should do is…how do I please others? To APPEAR to be happy. If I can deceive others by appearing to be happy, then I am ultimately pleasing others because I will be giving them what they want. To please others, instead of following my heart, I will build resentment against myself. I will continue to turn to others for answers because it is what I learned I needed to do since childhood. I need to do what my controlling, dominating father wants to EARN his love.

I remember when I was about 5 years old and I was sitting on the couch watching TV, my Dad came over to me and to me…

“are you going to make me proud?”

I remember looking at him for the slightest hesitation. It’s as if I was given a choice? But I wasn’t. I feel like from that moment I binded myself to my father’s wants. Any deviation or separation from this agreement I made with him…would be viewed as a heinous crime. I was indebted to my father and there was no other choice. I nodded my head. I did not realize I was passing my life over and my dreams and wants to my father’s wants. My values, decisions were to fulfill/please him instead of me. He is the reason why I joined track instead of theater. Business school. I chose in that moment…that the only way through life…is to put others first.

This was validated with the relationship with my mom. My mom. The shining beacon of positivity in the home. Always happy, joyful, etc. Does my mom naturally avoid uncomfortable feelings by choosing happiness? Are my mom’s limitations to not explore our uncomfortable emotions and darkness…my excuse for keeping things a secret?

I remember I must have been about 4 years old. I walked home in my parents’ apartment in NYC…and I remember my mom smiling at me in the kitchen. I remember I was smiling at her. But actually…I believed I pooped in my pants. As uncomfortable as it was, why would a 4 year old keep this a secret? Why not tell her?

Another time…I remember between 6 and 7…I knocked over her plant…the plant pot broke. I remember feeling anxious and scared of telling my mom the truth that I told her this elaborate scheme that someone broke into our home and knocked over the plant. I’m not sure if I told her actually…but the point is that there was this focus on not feeling uncomfortable…that I needed to be perfect. Thus my pursuit of perfection as a child began.

When I was 8 years old, my teacher saw that I wrote on a sheet of paper ‘I’m a loser’. Why did I write that? Most likely social anxiety. I appreciate the teacher calling my mom. Maybe she felt it wasn’t her place to have a one on one conversation with me about it. I remember my teacher called my home on a Saturday morning and told my mom. I remember my mom looking at me…yet I don’t know what I told my mom. However, I remember what I felt. I felt…like I had a choice. Yet from everything that I’ve learned up to that age in my life…I felt like I didn’t. I learned to feel uncomfortable is bad or not good…if I learned I need to be happy to please my father. If I learned from my mom that I need to be happy…why would I then…share with my mom…my pain and emotional discomfort? Why would I choose to make my mom more worried and unhappy if I express uncomfortable feelings to my mom? Right then I made a choice. I chose to keep my feelings of ‘feeling like a loser’ a secret.

It’s ironic. There are no secrets in my family because everyone knows about everyone’s problems and businesses. Yet it was never good to reveal uncomfortable feelings. There was never any space for it. if I can’t be uncomfortable, what do I do with it? if I don’t feel safe share uncomfortable feelings…then where do I share it? I don’t. I keep it a secret for myself. I bury it and hope it remains buried.

I search and fantasize for a perfect life because that would make me feel less uncomfortable. If there is a perfect life that I’m striving to live…and if I achieve it…then I’ll never have to deal with uncomfortable feelings again. Yet because…perfection doesn’t exist…I can continue to choose to search for perfection in my life…in order to avoid uncomfortable feelings…feelings like failure, disappointment, grief, etc.

When I was a prepubescent teen…this fantasy of perfection was pervasive in my life. I remember my first report card home as a 6th grader I got straight A’s. The feeling of I earned my father’s respect and love was real and felt amazing. I’ll never forget hearing the pride in his voice when he showed it to me when I was playing videogames with my brother. The sense of worth that I felt then became another decision where I felt that I would need to be achieving high marks, not just for myself, but for my dad. This is an example, where six years earlier in the same living room, my dad asked me to make him proud. This was me achieving this goal.

I would just need to bury my desires, my wants, my uncomfortable feelings…and all of that…just to make him proud. To make him happy in sacrifice of my own.

I was putting so much pressure on myself as an 11 year old kid that I remember crying in front of this teacher, that I was intimidated by, because I felt I made a mistake or something like that on a HW assignment. I remember his genuine response was that he wasn’t mad or upset. That I didn’t do anything wrong, even though my gut told me that I did.

In 7th grade, I was so upset that I wasn’t put into the honors classes. I had the grades to demonstrate my ability to perform, but I feel teachers doubted my ability to emotionally handle the stress in healthy ways, which is correct. I just wish I was told why, because it was easy to personalize this and make this a poor reflection of myself. Even though I yearned for perfection, there was something deep in my bones that something was wrong with me. I would any event or action, which I perceived as less than perfect, as a catastrophe, which would jeopardize the love that I can only earn from my parents when I provided perfection. And in my mind as an 11 year old…the only thing I knew, which defined perfection…was to be happy. To not feel bad. To not feel uncomfortable or wrong.

Thus…me not being accepted into honor classes in 7th grade…was just a way to feel like I was not perfect enough…not good enough…my parents didn’t get upset with me. But just getting in touch with this negative voice during this time. This voice that would want to castrate me for no reason.

During between ages 8 to 11…I could remember some examples of this voice…and this cruel voice for not being perfect. When I was sitting in the back seat with my older brother, I remember turning to him and looking at him wearing his puffy jacket during the winter. I knew he liked to wear more baggy clothes than I did as a teenager because this is how he was exploring his roots of being Hispanic while living in a primarily Caucasian town. I remember looking at him wear his puffy jacket and perhaps a fitted hat on, and just telling him bluntly, “you’re a loser”. He actually punched back at me and I remember having this evil snicker.

It’s insane how…around this time period…I wrote to myself in 3rd grade “I’m a loser”. I was simply projecting my thoughts onto my older brother then.

I also remember during this time period when in the back seat…and criticizing my father. My father, who is a successful ophthalmologist…and I basically was criticizing him saying that he wouldn’t be successful as a surgeon if he didn’t have steady hands.

Isn’t that fascinating? That I would somehow verbalize a hypothetical weakness of my father…and to find one and create a weakness that does not exist? I don’t think he said anything to me then…even though maybe he should’ve…

Between 5-13…I would be bullied. It was because I was not bullied daily…but the times that I was bullied felt very intense.

This one time when I was on a bus…I remember I think I was being pinned down…or just this kid was forcing me to swallow a pill. I was sobbing, completely overwhelmed, because I didn’t know why they were so forceful in making me swallow a pill…I eventually gave in, so they would leave me alone…but I remember feeling terrified and horrified. This would happen again one time when my sister was home and I remember sharing this with her…and she actually listened to me.

I remember it happened when I was playing baseball. I think I was a bit older…like 10 or 11 because I developed the technique of laughing to cope with my pain. I think I was knocked down and I remember just laughing. My mom was at the game.

The player who was mean to me actually stopped, and I think it’s because my mom told him to stop. I did not have any conversation with my mom about this…at least now I don’t remember.

During summer camp about 6 or 7…I remember being picked on again…and just finding myself overwhelmed and just crying. I remember just sobbing…and just feeling like I had no way to defend myself. Like I didn’t know how to fight back nor the skills to verbally stand up for myself. I just cried.

These string of random bullies would continue…and that’s why I learned by 10…that my mask to protect myself was my sense of humor and laughing. If I can make others laugh, I would reduce the chance of bullies picking on me because I’m just more likable.

I was never bullied on a daily basis or had suicidal thoughts…but the dozen or so times that I can recall demonstrated and heightened my social anxiety, self esteem, place in society. It became clear that with anxiety outside of my home, the pressure to bury my feelings in order to be happy at home, I needed a solution to balance this stress. To simply survive and not die actually.

Introduce watching softcore porn at my friend’s sleep over in 7th grade.

This night…I wish I never went. But the wheels of my addiction were in place to occur for the prior 12 years of my life. I’ll never forget watching the tv channel for hours on end during the sleepover. It should be noted, that even though I thought this was normal and cool to do when I was 12, the classmate who shared it to me is a bipolar and unstable person…whom I last had contact with in my early 20s.

I loved it. it was then…by the following year…I was googling lesbian pornography. I actually remember my mom basically caught me during this time when I had to rush to zip up my pants before she saw me with my pants down in front of the computer…and I remember her looking at the computer screen…even though I closed out the window.
She didn’t decide to ask me what I was doing….zipping up my pants in the corner with the computer screen on…perhaps too much judgement on my mom to know what I would continue to do in that basement…I just wished she asked me…and explored what it is I was doing instead of ignoring my actions. Yet that’s how my mom lived her life…how I adapted as well.

So ya. When I was 12…that’s when I started to have more fantasies. Like I remember there was this one classmate of mine…and I remember watching him with his cool bag pack and his CD player and thought I wish could be just like him. Have blonde, straight hair? No. I remember…just to be perfect.

Like I fantasized that he would get his HW done perfectly before dinner and would have a perfectly clean bedroom…and would be in bed by 9:30 PM sharp with the stars shining above.

I was just able to create this whole fantasy of what my other classmates lives were like after school. How they must be so perfect and live such immaculate, dreamy lives.

Yet after I saw the softcore porn…I realized I could apply this technique to soft core porn. I would, as a 13 year old, fantasize about going home after school to watch it. I remember that I ironically loved lesbian porn…and enjoyed watching it with friends and by myself. I then discovered I could masturbate to someone that I saw earlier in the day. Whether it was my perfection of the perfect or perfect grades…there was always this element of fantasy of unrealistic perfection that would always exist.

I know it started with having a relationship with my parents where I can ALWAYS be happy and not feel uncomfortable. This logically makes sense in the use of watching porn at home…especially on the computer in the basement. The basement is where my secrets were kept.

My own inner world. Since I could not talk to my father and mother about uncomfortable feelings since I always had to be happy…I can SOOTHE this wound whenever I feel rejected, abandoned, hurt, traumatized, etc.

And my logic actually aligns with my parents’ direction…or at least I perceived myself into believing it would.

For example, did I feel bad or uncomfortable when viewing graphic sexual images or videos? Of course not. I felt great. It was fun. So why not continue? And in terms of dependence, this wasn’t hardcore drugs that my father told me so many stories about of him being raised in the ghetto…where there were drug gangs and shootings, etc.

I mean it’s not like I had access to these drugs where I lived…but I realized if I could just manipulate my body to fantasize and have fun…then why not? Obviously…it wasn’t bad that I saw porn when I was 12. What’s sad is my emotional attachment to the images I saw…and the search for a perfect video/image body.

Since I learned that I could not just live a life to be happy for my parents all the time…I could project my idea of perfection onto people that I meet in person…and then onto sexual images/ videos. The idea and yearning of perfection became all so consuming, since my self esteem was so low…that I used the idea of perfection for emotional management. Yet again…perfection was fleeting. I would use images, videos, masturbation until orgasm to experience a state of complete emotional high.

It’s like the entire time. It was not even about the sex that I was looking at. It was just the use of…using these images/videos…to feel the greatest stimulation in hopes that I would be loved…not just for my actions…but for not feeling bad.

Like if I could achieve this perfect blissful state…then maybe…my mother would love me…truly love me….even though I feel sad and uncomfortable at times. Maybe she’ll truly love me…and like my father would be proud of me.

Because in my mind…if I could make my father proud by doing something…by being the perfect son…and if I could make my mother happy by not feeling uncomfortable, negative emotions…
Couldn’t I serve my parents at the same time…by achieving the perfect orgasm?

The perfect orgasm…is exactly that….i am achieving something perfect for my father. The orgasm is the complete avoidance of uncomfortable feelings that my mom wants.

It’s a short sighted accomplishment…but it is like it was done in my fantasy…for my mom and father to love me in the way that I needed to be loved.

Since I compiled up events, actions, experiences in my youth as validation of my imperfections…my unworthiness to be loved…that I could CREATE THOUGHTS IN MY MIND WHERE I CAN IMAGINE AND FANTASIZE HOW I CAN BE LOVED. It is why I imagined and created these fantasies of my classmates when I was 12 or 13…and how they must have these perfect lives after school…because it is how I perceived a child RECEIVES unequivocal love.

During this time period, when I was 13, that’s when 9/11 occurred. Was it trauma? Yes. Did I perceive this as trauma? No. Did I talk to anyone about it? Only a decade later when I was crying in a therapist office. It only helped validate that the world cannot be trusted…especially since I was having dinner at the top of the towers a month before.

My brother left for college when I entered high school as a 14 year old. I actually put a pause on porn and dove into the world of videogames. My brother and I are very close…and him leaving me…all alone for high school…was really scary. It’s as if someone died. The closest person I know…the rock in my life who was always there for me….was gone. I now know that’s why I got hooked on playing online videogames with friends and other strangers online.

My brother and I would play videogames before he left for college, so this was my way of connecting with him, even though we didn’t play together when he was in college. I would think about videogames at school and would play late at night when I was a freshman in highschool.

I know during this time period…doing anything creative was how I could connect to unresolved feelings. I got an acoustic guitar when I was 13. I took an amazing photography class when I was 14.

I knew I could never embrace myself, or perceived I could not, but I could learn to use these expressive mediums to not be so disconnected.

When I was a sophomore in highschool is when I actually started to lean on pornography for daily management. I’ll never studying for finals…I used cans of Canada Dry ginger ale and pornography for study breaks. At that age, I was 15, and felt still pretty isolated.

I was not romantically interested with anyone. However, then is when I was learning about the power of fantasy…I would be able to see people, and then later remember those images to masturbate and orgasm to. This lead me to fantasizing about my teachers and masturbating to them in the shower. It was an enjoyable period because I would experiment with different lotions and shampoos to find out which would give me the best / maximum stimulation. However, this exploratory period felt more…naïve and natural than compulsive at this stage. Yet considering I needed to be perfect, by standards set by my father, and I needed to not be uncomfortable per my mother….masturbating and fantasizing to teachers…seemed like a way for me to receive the love that I needed from my parents…and can experience in these moments when masturbated.

So teachers held this great fantasy for me. The confidence. The self esteem. The knowledge and intelligence. Articulate. Respected. Looked up upon. It was like…in a bizarre way…the same type of fantasy that I would do with my classmate sitting across from me on the school bus home. I would look up to him….put him on a pedestal….and wish I lived his perfect life. With these teachers…I didn’t want to live life life…but I fantasized their body…as these perfect women to have sex with. Especially since I longed for to get straight A’s again like I did in 6th grade….my sense of self-esteem felt so low because I felt I was less than and unable to achieve perfection. However, i can fantasize about this perfection…though these teachers that POSSESSED QUALITIES I DID NOT POSSESS. Ironically, the teachers that I did fantasize about…all had long blonde hair. Interested as well…the kid that did sit across from me on the school bus…had long blonde hair. Even though I logically was aware I could not be them…I was aware I could fantasize about them. So logically….if I can receive stimulation by fantasizing about wishing I could be a blonde middle school kid instead….what if I fantasized about a woman…who would NEVER have sex with me…but I had my sensory of sight plus fantasy (thinking of them in the shower) plus sensory of touch (masturbating myself plus running water plus lotions) to achieve a GREATER emotional stimulation…than just wishing I was a blonde kid who had a perfect after school schedule? What if I could condense all of these thoughts into the most…amazing experience possible with simply just something sexual thoughts, water, lotion, etc?

It was like…instead of…making my life the best of possible…let me…start my search for the perfect feeling. Again…because I was listening to my parents advice…of perfection (thus need to achieve in fantasy since cannot in reality) and because I should not be uncomfortable per my mother (search for perfect orgasm).

Thus…it made sense during increase stress for finals as a sophomore in highschool…that I needed to increase the intensity of the perfect stimulation. Logically, why would limit myself to just three teachers of fantasizing the perfect orgasm…when I could just find thousands on porn websites to experience this perfection with?

It makes me feel like…all of those thousands of hours searching for perfection of an image / video / orgasm…stems from that conversation I had with my father when I was 5 and he asked me “Are you going to make me proud?”. In the household I grew up in…and at least at that age…or later…to make my father proud is to not have mistakes. To not have mistakes…thus requires to think of a nidea that if perfect. If an idea exists in reality…it may have flaws. It is subject to criticism…regardless of how perfect it may be. However, an idea….especially a vision in one’s mind can be perceived as perfection…especially if the idea / vision is not shared with a anyone else…who’s to say it’s not perfect?

IF I CAN SEARCH FOR THE PERFECT IMAGE TO ORGASM TO, I AM ACHIEVING THE PERFECTION MY FATHER EXPECTS OF ME.

It’s like…the moment when I had PERFECT GRADES AS A SIXTH GRADER….THE PRIDE AND LOVE I FELT FROM MY FATHER WAS FLEETING.

It’s as if…I WASN’T ABLE TO BE A PERFECT SON WITH PERFECT GRADES….no…if I CANNOT FEEL LOVED BECAUSE I’M NOT PERFECT….PERHAPS I CAN BE RE-EXPERIENCE WHAT THAT SENSE OF PERFECTION (LOVE) IS…OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH AN ORGASM TO PERFECT IMAGE / VIDEO.

It’s like…I was in search of this validation / love in my fantasy…since I would NEVER get it from my father….wonder how it would be like when my father passes away in the future….

When I was 13…I believe it was in the summer before 9/11….this is when I had alcohol for the first time….It. Was. Great. I kissed a girl who was in highschool, danced with another high schooler…and had a great time…the emotional stimulation was amazing.

Fascinating that in this experience, I had a kiss a dance from high school women. I believe I may have understood this experience that my worth….i can only be intimate / romantic with someone else when alcohol is involved. This experience…most likely added another level of insecurity…and validating my low self-esteem. I am not a lovable for being me, yet only am lovable when I am…experiencing the least amount of uncomfortable feelings. I can only experience love when the moment is perfect. And since moments can only be created in my head….why don’t I use this intense feeling of being drunk…and add it with the intense feeling in my search for perfection when watching porn?

The fascinating this is that it’s not even about the porn. It isn’t. it’s about…how do I feel absolutely perfect? The porn was just used for my fantasy of perfection.

The summer entering my junior year, I went on this mission trip out of the country. It was a great experience, yet there was this one girl, Cristina, I met there…that I have still fantasized about her being “the one” up to today. It was great our last day after we finished our work, we stayed at a beach. I remember spending time with her on the beach…and wanting to express my inner feelings, but not knowing how to. It was a limitation on my beliefs in my life at that time…of….if she’s the one, how do I speak to her? Wasn’t that stuff just for dreams? There was this fascinating disconnection between reality and fantasy…which is seen in this moment on the beach at 15. I fantasized…or couldn’t even begin to fantasize about such a perfect moment in my life. In reality, at that time, it was horrifying. I was so scared. To be genuine. I didn’t know how to do it after keeping a mask on for so many years. I didn’t know how to navigate feeling uncomfortable in my nervous / excitement. I shut down. Because that’s how I learned how to manage repressed feelings. I went off into fantasy for months after this…creating moments in my mind how I could be with her. I was creating moments of perfection…and feelings to feel most comfortable and safe within my mind. The time I saw her in reality afterwards, I became distant and cold. I could not connect reality to fantasy…or to take / make my dreams a reality.

After this…

I remember I came obsessed with this other classmate in highschool during my junior year. I know that it was because…she did give me attention…but that I transferred all of my energy from the girl I became distant with, onto this other girl CH. I felt in my hearat that I could not “lose” this person like I did with the last girl….and I would just need to try harder. However, it wasn’t about trying harder…I was just reaching the maximum amount of stimulation received from fantasizing about Cristina…that I then needed another cookie. And with CH…I remember I thought she was an “angel”…I think because I saw her underwear one day when at lunch and it looked like she was wearing white panties, which I assumed that made her a good person…but most importantly she was “perfection” in my mind. Again…by imagining a fantasy with her…I could create the “perfection” that I could not achieve from my father, yet at least in my mind I could achieve it by making eye contact with her. It’s important to note that I didn’t even fantasize I think about us being married or things like that. I remember this one time, since we both did cross country, that I remember looking online at these pretty photography pictures of “fall” season…since I grew up outside of NYC, “fall” was beautiful. I loved it…and I remember loving these photos so much….and then after I saw them…I went to this cross country get together on a Friday night. I remember just looking into her eyes for a moment…and just being able to feel like I was falling in love with her. I think this is when, at 16, I was starting to connect between physical stimulation from sight…and emotional stimulation from fantasy…and because I love photography and was just finished from looking at photos online of pictures of leaves in the fall…that I think my mind was able to create beauty…

Or at least that’s what I thought it was…with just images in my mind from this girl CH. If I could not truly follow my heart to create images for the world, like photography, then at least I can create images in my mind for myself, which would stimulate me. I think this is why I remember this moment so much.

I did not need to at this point in my life imagine a relationship to feel stimulation. I could just have sensory of sight and fantasy and also sense of sound because I just listen to music afterwards and it’s like im rewinding a movie because I could just put this five second moment on replay over and over again with music. Then, once, I reached threshold stimulation from this scene, I would get more stimulation because I would run into her again at school, and then after school during practice. I can then connect dots and create a little story in my head of a possible relationship.

However, by the time these thoughts continued on for six months straight…I was in a state of deep depression. What seemed so enjoyable to do for a five minute video in my head to create stimulation…turned into hundreds of hours of me being completely overwhelmed by this power in my mind. I feel like Mickey Mouse in Fantasia when trying to stop the broomsticks from dumping water in the well. What seemed entertaining at first made me feel like I was drowning in my own thoughts.

However, I could not stop myself. Just seeing her plus the fantasy was such a great escape…that I would focus only on this…until I I finally told her that I liked over instant messaging in April. When she told she wasn’t interested / felt rejected…I felt so relieved. It’s like I felt relieved because…I can still hold onto the PERFECT FANTASY that I created in my mind of her. If I actually went on dates with her…it would never compare to the six month fantasy that I had of her (or would it?). regardless, I had been able to achieve perfection with her in my mind…since I could not with my father…


To continue on this…I also remember in high school I wasn’t fantasizing about having this perfect after school schedule / being someone else on the school bus. Instead, I would fantasize about living a completely different life. I fantasized about what it would be like to grow up in Asia. I almost envied the idea of being raised in a small village surrounded by mountains and just had parents who were farmers. In short, a life without expectations. A life where I could just be and my actions were not to be in the pursuit of perfection in order to be loved by my father. I started to watch movies and fell in love with one “croughing tiger hidden dragon”. The melancholy tone plus the visuals in a world I did not recognize lead me to believe that this is where I could experience true happiness. Not in reality, yet anywhere but here.

I’ve questioned whether my love for creativity is healthy for me. I think it is absolutely healthy for me, it is just HOW do I use my creativity? Do I use it to add value to the world or to be so disconnected from the world? The choice is mine.

By the time I was a senior in highschool, I felt hope again for a hopeless romantic named MS. I remember her just giving me the slightest attention allowed my fantasy to take off. It was perfect. The sensory stimulation of sight plus our similar taste in music plus fantasy…allowed me to create this fantasy that we would have an amazing love relationship in our last year before college. Of course, this was also a time when I started drinking heavily. Considering my first time dirnking lead me to feel that girls were attracted or only interested in me when I was intoxicated…I would add this stimulation to my fantasy. So when I drunk dialed her the summer before college, and left a voicemail that I don’t even remember what I said…it’s not a surprise  because of the stimulation I received from all of this.

It’s important for me to recognize the parody that I was living during this time. All of my friends were drinking and hooking up and dating. I was definitely drinking, yet not hooking up. I genuinely believe there is a social lag for the delay….yet I also feel like the little voice of addiction manifested during this time of enjoyment of isolation. The enjoyment because it is safe. Yet also not just out of safety but in the pursuit of perfection. Through this pursuit of perfection, is when I learned to manipulate my body.

Even writing this, it makes me sad, how much I focused on the emotional stimulation I received, and how much I’ve ignored the PHYSICAL STIMULATION.

It’s almost as if this addiction inside of me wants to IGNORE the physical stimulation received by manipulation of my body. Literally right now I hear myself grieving. WHINING…like I’m letting go of this magic trick that I’ve used to manipulate my body for so very long…it’s so simple though….if my body as a child / baby did not get the physical love that I needed…then wouldn’t it be logical for me to want to MANIPULATE my body to achieve the PHYSICAL STIMULATION that I believed / felt I did not receive / was DEPRIVED of? Even if my parents were there for me, maybe they weren’t there for me the way I needed for them too….thus I needed to find a way to stimulate myself.

I think I remember reading / looking at my files of a child in preschool and how I would look at myself in the mirror and I believe do some interesting stimulation with my tongue? Whatever the case is…this not proof of me being defective but actually quite the opposite. Because, logically, if physical love and nurturing is required for the healthy development of a child…and if this is not provided to a child….it is logical for the child to survive to be able to provide this for himself. If I did not learn healthy means to love myself because I perhaps did not receive the physical love I wanted from my parents…then it is logical for me to use whatever is necessary….

I remember when I was about four or five and hugging my mom and looking down her shirt and seeing her bra on and feeling fascinated. I remember my mom asking me lovingly “what am I doing?”. And I remember answering “nothing”. It was like there was this physical / sensory stimulation that I felt deprived of that I yearned for still from my mother.

I also remember being about 5 years old and walking in on my dad after the shower and felt a sense of curiosity from the sight of his penis.

I don’t know if my subconscious felt I could receive the nurturing and care that I felt deprived of from both my father and mother…if this then manifested to my fascination with transgender porn and thus dating transgender women. That from the combination of both male genitalia on a female body allowed me to receive the highest stimulation of both physical and emotional…and if I felt deprived of this from both parents…wouldn’t it be logical for my deprivation to manifest like this? It was the external manifestation of my deprivation…THAT WAS EMOTIOANLLY AND PHYSICALLY TEMPORARILY FULFILLED / RELIEVED OF DEPRIVATION THROUGH THE SEXUAL ELEMENTS (sensory, accomplishment, fantasy) and was accomplished via pornography to then escort searching in January, which fueled my attraction to transgender women.

It’s like I’ve been that little boy for 30 years…searching for love but getting further away from the source of it.

The summer before I started college, I actually was at college taking some courses. I think they invited me to go because my SAT scores were low, and wanted to make sure I would have a successful transition to college.

A big part of being in college is having a roommate. Without the privacy that I enjoyed to keep my addiction a secret in my parent’s house…what would I do? How would I be able to manage myself physically and emotionally?

One second…before I dive further into college…I need a few more thoughts on high school.

The time period when I was a freshman and my brother was gone. This year I feel really solidified the foundation of my interaction with the world. I obviously learned about relationships with connecting with my parents as a child…there was something about starting high school that felt not safe.

It’s like this was a very melancholy and depressing period in my life. I was all alone.

My sister, who’s nine years older than me, went off to California when I was 13. My brother was in college when I was 14. At 14…is when I started high school. Before, during middle school, I believe I usually had social activities either with classmates or running track…like I don’t I felt so alone.

By the time I was in high school, I felt pressured to run track and cross country. I HATED racing. I loved running, yet the pressure…the anxiety…was a direct correlation of wanting to make my father proud when I was 6. I actually told my parents to not attend track races during highschool because I put too much pressure on myself, and I felt ashamed and disappointed in myself.

Yet, ironically, I also felt great joy in running during practice. I loved the rush of endorphins and there was sense of joy in the pain and isolation. Yet the pain I felt during running was not the physical pain. At the time yes it was…but the hardest part about running was my self-abuse with negative and critical thoughts. And yes, my brother was fast, and I would use this as a way to validate “I am a loser”. I would never be as a fast as my brother so why even try? When I was running a 5:37 mile time as a senior in high school, my brother broke 5:30 as a freshman.

I used his success to destroy myself. And I feel like even though I enjoyed physical working out…gong on a race…was just torture for me. I would never be fast enough…strong enough…never enough. The point is…this is EVERYTHING my addiction wanted. The more validation I get of being a failure, the easier it is to rely on addiction. This would continue up to college when I reached my breaking point.

Just to clarify…when I was a freshman in highschool…this period of isolation allowed me to then continue the fantasies and pursuit of perfection through pornography as a sophomore.

And during graduation night in high school…when I got home drunk from a party…I remember my stimulations that I had. I went to the basement…played videogames….and took breaks with porn. This was the highest stimulation I would get as a 17 year old. Completely immersed in the fantasy, poly addiction of alcohol, sensory stimulation of sight and touch with porn and masturbation, and sensory of sight / poly addiction with video games.

I spent a few hours doing this and felt completely at peace. The mask to avoid life.

So back to college….

When I was starting college the more before in summer classes…

I was in a completely new setting. No matter that I didn’t have privacy in my bedroom, I utilized the library for continuing my acting out. Especially because I was taking a summer class during this time…the campus was empty.

It was beautiful, yet I remember the physical and emotional manipulation I did by going to a porn site on a computer in the back of the library.

I didn’t masturbate then….but I remember the increase in stimulation with the stimulation of danger because in a public setting. In short, my addiction ADAPTED to the new surroundings by adding the element of danger (public place, danger of potentially getting reprimanded as a new student) even though there was no poly addiction ie. videogames or alcohol.

I also remember this girl I met then named Sasha. Let’s just call her beautiful and the fantasy of her being the one was easily able to create with sensory of sigh, sound, fantasy, etc. I could have a few conversations and that was enough information for my body and emotions to manipulate myself…by the time summer was ending…the happy thoughts spinning in my mind for eight weeks became not just obsession…but changed my perspective when she then became the direct source of happiness AND depression. It’s actually logical I did not do much porn viewing during this summer because SHE WAS THE SOURCE OF MY DIRECT STIMULATION. Not necessarily through sex…but through the love component of my addiction. My addiction…hardening the perspective that I’m to be alone forever…would do this every time.

However, I need to jump back to high school again…where did I receive the first confirmation from the outside world that I will be alone forever (other than my parents)? It’s with CH that I liked as a junior in high school. I need to write this.

Before I told her that I liked her…I DREAMED of going to our local diner and grabbing a burger. I had it ALL PLANNED IN MY MIND. I would ask her out for this meal on her last open period before the start of winter vacation. I knew she would be at this place hanging out after I finished this TV / video class I was taking as she always was. I would sit down and chat with her and ask her then. Except on this day, she wasn’t there. She most likely just went home since it was the start of our vacation. I remember going home on this Friday…I never cried so much in my life. I cried so much that there weren’t any tears to cry. I could just hear myself wailing and just screaming. I couldn’t stop listening to sad breakup songs AND HOW MUCH I fantasized that I this was our breakup. It was like I dreamed so badly of being in a relationship that her not being there was proof that the relationship was over. Or just more simply…this experience is when I developed the DEEP SEEDED belief that I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER.

This experience was not the…avoid uncomfortable feelings from my mom that I learned. Or the pursuit of perfection that my father expected of me. This was me utilizing this girl to maximize my immediate emotional and physical stimulation. Yet when I was expecting to continue this fantasy even further…I wasn’t able to do so because she wasn’t there.

This element of her being there was out of my control. The illusion was shattered briefly.

I was in pain. The one who would heal me back up, temporarily, were the thousands of women on the internet. I could never be hurt.

This moment…bound me to pornography. It bound me to the belief if I really am going to be alone forever, I might as well enjoy every second ie. maximum, self-destructive gratification, right? The sad thing is…it wasn’t even my thoughts…I mean they were my thoughts…but it was this addiction that started to form an identity within me…

It’s like I could just trust my addiction and no one else. Ironically, my addiction speaks lies to me. But since this experience taught me that lies won’t kill me unlike the truth can…then I’ll just hold onto lies.

The lies = negative / false thoughts I created and my addiction used them against me.

***Yet maybe I should hold myself accountable. I created the thoughts. The addiction was created from me. I can reverse the thoughts and eliminate this destructive habit.***


Back to college…

In freshman year, instead of running track, I joined crew. It gave me an opportunity to feel that I could prove my worth to my father and excel in this spirit, yet it had nothing to do with my father but with me.

I remember looking at other pictures of rowers posted on the internet and I fantasized about pushing myself to my limits like they would. I prayed to God and wanted Jesus that if he could channel His energy through me at an upcoming regatta, then maybe I can achieve the perfection my father expected of me. Of course, this only fueled more anger and resentment against myself.

Drinking was at my peak in college as a freshman. I would utilize alcohol to hide my social anxiety by drinking ten shots of preferably Southern Comfort before even leaving the dorms. That’s insane. My roommate was always in his bedroom…so I utilized the study lounge in the basement / 1st floor to masturbate. I even remember saving a picture of an anime nude porn on my desktop screen so I could masturbate to it because there wasn’t any internet access in the study lounge…this was in 2006.

In my dorm room…I actually NORMALIZED PORN so much as this point that I would actually play techno music with porn on so loud and with the door open to intentionally let others hear me. My roommate and other guys laughed. Girls were appalled. I justified my actions that porn was watched by guys and was normal to do absurd actions…even though it was inconsiderate, obnoxious, rude and just foolish.

The idea of being in college from the affluent / pretentious town I grew up in was that college was not an opportunity to accelerate your life forward…it was a time to go crazy and have fun. This….awful and disgusting perspective of life allowed my addiction to create lies for myself and to normalize it. Instead of seeking to date others…I literally wanted to announce to the world that I’m a sex addict and this is me. My addiction embraced this culture.

I worked hard. I got solid grades because I’m intelligent, yet I did not excel. In fact…I became more disconnected with the world…as I felt like it started not just in childhood but also with CH in high school when I was crying so hard that there were no more tears to cry. That there was only one I could trust, which was the addiction inside of me.

My drinking as a freshman in college reached its threshold for St. Patrick’s day weekend when I drank so much I started vomiting blood. Paramedics were called by my friends but I didn’t need to go to the hospital since my BAC dropped low enough that it wasn’t necessary for me to go. I obviously got a strike from the university and heard the disappointment in my father’s voice.

Before I almost drank myself to death, in the winter session as a freshman…I was reminded by the isolation like I felt in high school. I fantasized now about studying abroad in asia…and just wishing I went to school there. I wanted to escape my life so badly.

Even though I wasn’t playing guitar or taking pictures….i remember just writing poetry and using this as a way to connect to my core. It’s like regardless of the elements that were around me…or that I was slowly disconnecting from myself more…creativity always was how I could connect to my heart.

It connected to me and made me FEEL ALIVE. No matter how far I went down the rabbit hole, at least I would have this.

It should also be noted that to make my father proud…I was enrolled in a business college. I applied to one film school, which I was not accepted into…and believed since I wasn’t accepted…that I would need to listen to my father and go to business school. The pursuit of perfection in order to be loved by my father is a never ending cycle it could go on forever…and I would still pursue it because I would hope I would be loved.

Finishing up freshman year was probably my best year in college. However, increased stress meant I needed to become stronger at mastering elements of my addiction to manage my life.

By the time I was a sophomore…I could not get my focus out of wanting to take a directing class at NYU. I wasn’t really interested in my finance major…and the only thing I did enjoy was crew. However, I could not stop the increasing frustration of myself during this time. I had so much anger and resentment against myself for continuing to perform and meet my expectations on the team. Since I’m tall and lanky, I should have had the top times on the team. I continued to fall near the bottom…even though I trained during the summer before and had great results and promise as a sophomore in the fall…yet in the spring of my sophomore year…I was rowing in the junior varsity boat instead of the varsity boat. There were only tree boats for lightweights and I was in the slowest one. The sense of failure at this time was unbearable.

I also remember I got my first C in an accounting class, and had suicidal thoughts after an exam, which lead me to getting a C. I told my parents and they actually drove to meet me and grab dinner with me, even though I lived three hours away (not sure if I told them about suicidal thoughts…just that I wasn’t feeling great though)…

I continued my writing and creativity…my addiction was probably most dormant during this time period since I was maintaining a consistent schedule and social life. However, I of course would still it…and enjoyed the use of porn and masturbation when my roommate went off for class…and he could come back any time. I think I also experimented with using my other friend’s computer…who lived in the same suite…for using his computer during this time.


Yet I know most of my intense stimulation came from a girl I fell absolutely in love with. Met at a party, drunk, and became we made out…I again utilized fantasy and sensory of touch, taste, sight to create dreams that she was the one. Out of one weekend of making out with her at two parties, and she went back to her other college two hours away (she was visiting a friend) I could create such an intense and deep relationship with her.

It’s like my ability to create relationships needed less insight and information. Compared to in high school, I needed to continue to run into Caroline to create moments and hold onto these images in my mind. Now, I just needed one drunken experience with a girl to manipulate my emotions and my body to balance my life out. It was also the same obsessive process, where these intense positive thoughts would spiral into a depression months later.

I was recreating the same relationship I felt with Caroline. I would think about someone as much as possible until the stimulation would spiral into a depression due to obsessive thoughts.

The thing that makes me sad about all of this is the physical stimulation that my body would get from thinking these thoughts. Sure…I wasn’t masturbating to this girl but just by thinking about her or going to person’s house where I made out with this girl in college…I would manipulate my body into feeling good with the rush of endorphins just by having thoughts over and over again of her. And obviously, to continue this stimulation of physical enjoyment just from thinking…I would need to increase the intensity of the thoughts…such as thoughts of imagining a deep and romantic relationship was more intense and would still be a manipulation of my body.

For some reason, my addiction doesn’t want me to know that all of the thoughts…that’s what they are for…to manipulate my body…and thus to give me a feeling of pleasure. It’s such an easy trick I learned as a kid.

The summer entering my junior year in college was probably the time when I was furthest from my addiction. I was taking this film production class at NYU was living in NYC. I was engaged in creating and doing all of the things that I’ve dreamed of. I had a roommate as well during this time, yet since I was so incredibly busy making short films…I literally had very limited time for masturbation to porn.

cont lesson 20 NOTE TO READERS: starting below…I switch from an objective POV to getting into my thoughts as an addict. The following below may be triggering and may not be recommended for reading if you are in recovery. It certainly was triggering writing this, and will need to limit this type of writing going through the rest of these lessons….


I do remember one time…feeling to urge to scratch the itch and watch it. I’m not sure if I did then. However, my little voice of addiction was quite adaptable and would find other ways to find relief. There was like this dorm RA / receptionist that I again created a whole fantasy with. I ran into the elevator once and she was beautiful. Us having a similar ethnic background / mix only validated in my mind that we were meant to be together. After just running into her a few times was enough to utilize thoughts of fantasy attached with sensory of sight, sound, touch (handshake) to build a dream that she was the one. Isn’t it amazing? How I have learned how to automatically make my body feel ECSTATIC by increasing the stimulation of my thoughts…and to emotionally fulfill me…even if it is fleeting? Her also having a similar ethnic background made me feel that I was achieving the high expectations by my father to bring home and marry someone who could challenge my mom’s beauty. I actually had a chance to be perfection I believed my father expected of me. Expectations of this perfect woman were broken when I grabbed dinner with her and her friend…and I immediately criticized her for her taste in movies. How could this perfect woman, that I used to make body feel better via thoughts of perfection…how could she possibly disappoint me by not loving the same movies that I do? Didn’t she understand the importance of liking the same movies if were going to be together forever? Didn’t she understand I needed her to be absolutely perfect so I can make my father proud by marrying the perfect woman? Sure I have high expectations…but they aren’t unrealistic if you’re the one selecting the thoughts to create the reality…thus your expectations can always be met with perfection when kept safe in your mind. And why settle less than being the perfect son? I just need to try harder…

No matter…I can convince myself that regardless of not loving the same movies…that I should still facebook request her, get her number, and continue this fantasy when I get back to school in the fall…and my school in three hours away from NYC. We can achieve this perfect relationships because my parents live outside of NYC, so we can spend time during the holidays and during the summer break and things like that, right? I can introduce you to my parents and my mom would be so proud to meet you.

Except when you tell me you have a boyfriend over facebook…I’ll cut the dreams and the positive change you did for my body by making me feel happy all the time….that now I’ll go back into my cave of being alone forever again…and at least I know of the thousands of women on porn sites who will want to get to know the real me.

Oh and yes during this time…I should not forget all of the several strip clubs I went to in NYC during the end of the summer class. I didn’t do it to make me feel like I had to live a life to the fullest, right? Or maybe just because I needed one last boost since I would be going back to business school again during the fall? So…of course it makes sense to have one last hoorah with my classmates and I can get drunk and somehow go to strip clubs when I’m underage (20)…and to touch strippers when not supposed to…and to adapt my secrecy of my addiction to the environment I’m in.

If I can’t watch porn in my apartment, why not just go to strip clubs and utilize danger and sensory of sight and touch to manipulate my body and deceive myself into believe this was OK to be doing this and I’m just living life to the fullest…instead of owning up to the truth that maybe I’m so scared of being hurt that I would rather pay to falsely believe she wants to touch me. If I can believe the illusion that the stripper is not interested in my money but actually me as a person…and reinforcing it by talking to me etc….then it’s almost as good as convincing myself that the girl at NYU will actually want to be with me. If I can create delusions for my enjoyment, who’s to say they aren’t REAL? And if I am to say that they real…then nothing else matters.

I also remember, when the summer class ended…and I was going back to business school soon…I read this book about “how to be successful”. Something like that. There was something like…if you’re going not good at something…quit…and pursue what you are good at.

In my twenty year old mind…I was experienced enough with manipulating my reality through my thoughts. Thus, I can choose words to perceive the passage how I want it to be…and considering this book was written by someone…they have to be successful / know what they are talking about. Why don’t I use the words on the page to justify my actions? If I am not good at something…why even bother trying? I hate how much pressure I have from rowing crew…so why don’t I quit? You know…it’s like I do it for my father anyways….

Plus, I want to turn my English minor into an English major concentration in film. Thus, if I’m getting two degrees, I cannot possibly be successful with managing crew. So to succeed…let me quit crew.

Oh gosh…living off campus my junior year? Why am I living in this crappy house with this guy that I thought was my friend? Why am I so far away from campus? Why does my bedroom have no windows? Oh shit, I quit crew. Who do I hang out with now? what do I spend my time with? Oh great...my two best friends are studying abroad this fall. Why do I feel so alone now? maybe I just need to EMBRACE this idea that I’ll be alone forever. Then it won’t be so bad. Besides…I have keystones in the fridge. And I can play my techno music when I watch porn. I love watching it. I can be on there every Friday and Saturday night for hours up until 2, 3, 4 in the morning. Chat rooms are nice, too. You can really get to know others there too.

Wait…I can also use my roommate’s laptop, right? Why not? Why not use it? He leaves it in the living room. I just need to delete the history and he’ll never know. That’s a good idea. Oh! Film club. That’s what I’ll do. That girl is somewhat cute. Not really my type…she’s blonde…and too many blonde girls hurt me in high school…but she’ll do. Maybe we can create a movie together or just make something so special. She’s like me, right? A hopeless romantic. I know. I’ll just get drunk and we’ll have something special. Wait…why is she not interested in me…now that I’m at her cute apartment…drunk on the floor with her cat? She’ll still be into me, right?

Like when I was 14 and got drunk for the first time. Oh wait…she’s not interested in me but some other guy? Why am I all alone on Halloween now…we were supposed to meet up. At least I can be drunk still. Well at least I still have porn, right? I mean…I don’t have friends….i quite the crew team. I hate what I’m studying instead of making movies. She’s not interested in me. I tried joining a fraternity but tried too late. Wasn’t accepted. I had a house party and some people came…but I got so drunk that I woke up and black grease were on my pants….stumbling across train tracks. Thankfully I didn’t get run over by one. I’ve tried everything and now I’m overloaded with work since I’m doing two degrees. So I’m taking six classes. I’m doing everything. And what would you have me do, God? Embrace that I’ll be alone forever? Ya…if only I just accept who I am, then maybe this will all be easier. Ya.

I should study abroad this winter, too. There’s a five week course traveling to Hong Kong, New Zealand, and Australia. That could be a great way to meet more people and just enjoy life again. But wait…I have finals. Let me go to the library. Oh my gosh… I’ve never seen this porn before! Wow…how fascinating. Is she a woman? How does she have such a gigantic penis and still look like a woman? Oh my gosh. Maybe she’ll save me. Maybe I can dream of her and she’ll save me from my eternity of hell. Do I just stick my finger up my butt? Is that what it would feel like if she penetrated me? Ugh. I feel gross. Why did I do that…let me go to class. Everyone in class is gross. Why does that girl walk in late and look like she’s so cool. No one here is cool anyways. Everyone is gross…who poops and does nasty human things and have bodily fluids. Let me just study abroad already and get out of this school.

But this woman…or person who looks like a woman with a giant penis. I’ve never seen anything quite like this. Oh my gosh look at how she devours him…she’s amazing. She’s the perfection I’ve been seeking my entire life. I’ve never been able to MANIPULATE MY BODY LIKE THIS BEFORE! It’s like SENSORY OF SIGHT OVERLOAD! It’s a female woman with a huge penis…this is the ULTIMATE SENSORY STIMULATION I’VE BEEN SEEKING!

She is the one. Oh my gosh…there are more like her?! I can manipulate my body all day to avoid my depression…wait…just thoughts of being alone forever? Yes…these are painful. What do you mean…they’re just thoughts. They become fused with your identity when you attach feelings to those thoughts and they become embedded as beliefs in your DNA.

In my DNA? Yes, in my DNA.
And they hurt me?

Yes…it is why you needed to feel immediate relief…and what better way to feel immediate relief by a sensory of sight overload? You know…it’s the perfect stimulation to satisfy my parents. Why?

Because you don’t need to fulfill either…you can fulfill your expectations of achieving perfection AND avoiding uncomfortable feelings by viewing this image / video of maximum stimulation.

Gosh. I wish I can just go to Thailand and meet all these pretty trans women. Just like one wild vacation. Well, you are studying abroad.

Studying abroad? Drinking every day? Living life to the fullest? Love it. My secret friend inside my head loves to use this opportunity for crazy decisions.

Oh my gosh that stimulation I just felt from writing about transgender woman…that is the emotion that NEEDS to be ISOLATED from me. That son of a bitch that is connected to the image of that porn star is the emotion that needs to be eliminated like a virus from my system.

Anyways back to study abroad. I obviously loved drinking everyday….and also doing these dangerous activities…right? Why not bungie jumping? Skydiving?

Everyone else is doing it. We only live once, right? I’m just being like everyone else, right?

Gosh I love drinking. That girl gave me attention I like her. Oh no this other one is really cute. And she likes art, too. Maybe I can reveal my feelings about her to another classmate.

Hopefully she won’t hear? It’s the right thing to do. I’m in a place where living on the edge is accepted. Embrace.

Hello Hong Kong! Drunk on street again. Did I just get hit / bumped by a car? Well, I’m ok. Oh my gosh…did those Asian women call me handsome? Ha. Funny. Not sure why they were just out on the street. Let me drink more with friends. Gosh time to leave.

Wait are those two Asian women approaching me? Does she hold my hand? Wants to get in a cab with me? Bye college friends!

Oh my gosh is this how it works? Let me have her feel me. Wow this is crazy.

Oh my gosh what is this place? Never been to a prostitute massage place? Wow two girls at the same time? This is beyond amazing! They want to give me…my fantasies? Great! Wait…it’s over? Already? And money, too? What the fuck…why don’t I tell other classmates about it, right? This is something to brag about, right? I mean who wouldn’t pay for this service. And besides…I’ve found my people who like to party all night and go bungie jumping. What are their names again? Let’s drink again?
Same area…there she is! Aw I wish the hotter one was with her…oh well. Let’s have fun! Oh…amazing! Payment? Well it’s my parents’ money…I don’t need to tell them, right?

They paid for this study abroad so they want me to experience living life to the fullest. Ya that’s true.

Gosh…why do I feel awful after paying for prostitutes two nights in a row? I mean I’m only here in Hong Kong for five nights or whatever. Gosh I love taking pictures of Hong Kong with my camera. At least other classmates can see me this way.

Alright let’s go out drinking again. Let me invite my friend to check out other places. I did watch soft corn porn with him on that one night when 12. He would enjoy it, too.

Massage parlor?! Sweet! She’s fun…but let me take control. I know what to do better. That was ok. Good to go with a friend. Aw man. Last night of study abroad.

Great hotel with classmates to celebrate. Ya let me just get a cab. He’ll help me find someone. Can you just bring me to the nearest prostitute joint? Oh there’s one! Just let me out here. Oh, there’s a massage parlor? Safer? Sure.

Ya I like this massage parlor girl. She’s nice. Sweet. Takes her time. Gentle. Caring. She knows how to take care of me. Maybe she can be mine. She knows what she’s doing. What time is it? 4am? Shit. I have a flight to catch.

We’re supposed to be downstairs really early at the lobby. Maybe I can see someone else?

I can perhaps see one more person before I leave Hong Kong. The sun is coming out. It’s 5am. Fine. I mean…four prostitutes in five days…nice work, buddy! Thanks 
Gosh I need to sleep on this ten hour flight back to JFK.

Let me just binge watch TV before spring semester starts for junior year. Why does it itch so much in my crotch? Must be nothing.

Back to school! In crappy apartment. Wait…why does my crotch itch so much? Google this…what the hell are crabs? Walgreens has a kit for this? Ah! It burns! I can never do that again…or maybe only abroad. Not in the US.

Yay my two best friends are back as well from fall study abroad! Let’s party!

Wait…why am I drunk again in a cab asking for prostitutes? Why won’t he take me to one? He says I’m too handsome and young to be doing this? Who does he think he is? Doesn’t he know my belief of “…I will be alone forever?” Fine…I’ll just search on my roommate’s computer again. He still leaves it out in living room…why not?

Wow. So there are prostitutes in this crappy town! $200? I can do that. Shit…I’m too drunk to leave. There are chatrooms anyways. What time is it again? 3am? 4am? Doesn’t matter…that’s fine.

Oh wow! Cool house party! Other friends! Too bad year is over…yet cool to hang out with others for senior year. I need a break though…it’s been too crazy of a year. Family trip to Puerto Rico? Love it. Let me take pictures!! Brother also wants to go to a whore house? Let’s do it!

Gosh…she was…ok…I think I like porn better. My penis isn’t as erected now. not sure why…performance could be better. Thanks brother for taking me out!

Well…I’m still following by my rules…prostitutes abroad…and even though Puerto Rico is a territory…I’m technically abroad because on an island, right? Sure that works!

Ah let’s go out again, brother! Oh you don’t want to go to brothel house again? Fine I’ll go. Taxi! Oh she’s transgender? Let me see her! No it’s not gay…it’s perfect. Fine, let’s go to the whore house. She’ll do! Why am I not performing right? I don’t know…but I want to go again? Why is she leaving me? fine.

Can I get a ride from your friends? Thanks, man! Nice car! Wow love that engine roaring!
I’ll just sneak back into hotel room because my parents and brother are sleeping.

Back from vacation. “Why is there an $800 USD charge on credit card?” my dad asks. “Either drugs or girls?”
I say, “I don’t know how you were charged $800. That’s crazy. I just went out for drinks with my brother.”

Hurray for summer entering senior year! Ya I’ll do a general script coverage internship. After college? Job? I don’t know. Maybe CA since that’s where my sister is and she’s doing well. Anyways…what are these adult hookup websites? Fascinating.

Why did my sister want me to go visit her alone in CA? Ugh…why did she just have her bra on in her bedroom and she knew I was in other room? Is she trying to get something from me sexually? I don’t know. Do I like it? curious? I don’t think so. Not really.

Anyways back to these online searching. Wow adults that want to hook up with me that live close by? Oh wow  how awesome. A transgender woman just an hour away? Maybe I’ll drive up to see her. It’s what midnight…I can be there by 1am.

Let me print out directions and get in my mom’s minivan. Oh my gosh I’ve never been this excited in so long. Wait this is crazy. Maybe I should hold off…I don’t want to go. Sounds scary. Good idea.

The internet is safer. I have more control…and I can also convince myself I’m not doing anything bad since my actions are just simply scrolling through the internet. I can’t judge myself for doing anything bad for just cruising on the internet, right? Right.

No, Mom, I don’t know why you have this mapquest directions to a random address in NY. My mom won’t let me keep my secrets to myself, right? I need to watch myself more. Besides…she ignores things my entire life…she won’t admit to the truth no more than I can.

Oh my gosh. Live transgender web cam videos?! Yummy! Oh my gosh…it actually does exist! Women with large penises! Gosh let me go on a vacation to Thailand and live all of my darkest and deepest fantasies for a month. Maybe I can just work in the porn industry after school. I don’t know if my sister would to me if I did but that’s the risk.

Why is my mom asking me if I paid for this web cam service credit card charge for $30 on her credit card? She shouldn’t care…doesn’t she know I spent hundreds of dollars on prostitutes in kong, strippers in NYC, and more prostitutes in Puerto Rico?

Anyways…let me just continue my search online. There are always more options to choose from on the internet than in person...and it’s so much harder to be disappointed with so many options.

Wow…who’s this girl Erika who liked my Youtube videos from freshman year in college? Thanks for the facebook friend request  she’s pretty. Oh she lives in Texas? Not too far…that’s workable, even though is 2,000 miles away. She wants to talk on the phone, too? Great! Oh my gosh…she sounds so amazing. Just talking to her for three hours I feel like I’ve known her my entire life. Like we are meant to be together. Wow. She can save me. I was headed down a dark path but she can stop me from all of it.

Will you be my girlfriend? We can meet in nine months during my spring break? Great that works I’ll just continue watching porn but no prostitute searching. She think I’m a porn addict, huh? Fine. Let’s just have phone sex. And I’ll continue masturbating. Did I even used to masturbate everyday before? I don’t think so but it works if I’m talking to her. Friends to hang out with?

I’d rather just talk to her on a Friday night. She’s…special. She understands me. We have something special. Even though we’re both apart. We’re also together. There’s a melancholy beauty to it. everywhere I go around campus I can see her. I get validation that it’s real when she calls. Texts. Emails. It’s all real to me. I don’t need work in porn. I just need to devote myself to her. And possibly work in film. Those are the only two things I need in my life right now.

I count the months to see her. She’s my only focus. That and fantasizing to making movies. What about my grades? They’re ok…but does it matter? It stings when I get my fall GPA…my first time below a 3.0. ouch. Do I still talk to her…1-2 hours daily? Absolutely. What do my parents think about her? To let it go. I tell them I do.

To see her in spring break…maybe I can just tell my parents that I’m going with friends to New Orleans, right? Ya. I’ll just meet Erika at a hotel there. I’ll pay for the hotel with my parents money since I’m such a gentleman. I can’t wait to meet her. All of the times being alone…masturbating every day…I’ve just been waiting nine months to meet her.

We’re going to meet in New Orleans and then we’ll take the greyhouse bus back to her university in Texas. I’ll then take the bus back to New Orleans at end of Spring Break and I’ll fly back home. It’ll work out, right? I can’t believe I’m meeting her today! This is my fairytale, right?

To make it all come to reality? Oh my god! That’s her! I knew we would be perfect. Except for that stain on her tooth. That wasn’t there in pictures. Or I thought she had a bigger butt? She said she did. Oh…a little extra skin there on her waist…hmph…but she’s my one and only.

Let’s go to an art museum. Do you want me to go down on me? Fantastic! Why am I not performing as well as I should? Probably nerves. Want me to go down on you? Great! You’re not a transgender woman, but you’re better than that because you’re my one and only, right?

Great! Let’s get on the greyhoud bus back to Texas. You don’t want me to go with you? We’re done? No, we’re not!

I’m getting on that bus with or without you!

There. You’re better. You were just scared. And angry. Fine. I can hang out in Dallas for a few days and we can meet later at the end of the week. How romantic. We’ve waited nine months to see each other…only to spend less than 48 hours together in person. It’s our destiny. To be together forever.

I was so caught up in stimulation. I didn’t even know where I was.

Isn’t this romantic? Hanging out at a greyhound station in Dallas. Just you and me. Beautiful. Fine. I’ll take a taxi to nearest motel. Goodbye, Erika.

Cab driver, can I get some money at the ATM? Thanks! I just need to pass out at this motel now…

What the hell am I doing in this motel? Waiting for her to change her mind? Forget her. Let me go home. Home.

Why am I walking around downtown Dallas alone during my senior year spring break? Didn’t I choose her? I should be with her! Fine. I’ll take the greyhound bus alone back to New Orleans. This is the longest self-pity bus ride ever. And longest flight back to JFK.

Hi, mom! You want to send me back to school? You don’t want me to stay at home for the rest of spring break? Oh…you saw that ATM transaction in Texas? Ya…I never stopped talking to her. Oh! It was way better to see her in person! She’s the one! But I’ll go back to school. Ya I’ll take the train.

Hey, Erika! Ya I’m almost at school. Ya…I’ll check Youtube soon…just one second. You what? You gave your virginity away to someone? Just yesterday? And you’re telling me now? was he the guy I heard in your voicemail machine? You were supposed to save yourself for me! You’re going to a whore house one day. Goodbye.

Hey, college friend, can I crash at your place for rest of spring break? You won’t believe what happened.

Really, therapist? I can choose to be…happy? Like it’s a choice? Even only with 2 months left of school? Wow.

What did I get myself into? What am I doing after graduation in two months? I have nothing lined up. I’ll get an internship in entertainment in NYC. Hopefully I can just move to CA where my sister lives. She’ll get me a job since she’s smart and successful.

Let me just focus on doing well these last two months. Why do I like writing this paper on the Oedipus complex? It’s how I can connect to power and fascination with transgender women and the arousal from a penis.

Graduation soon! Wow a transgender stripping party in NYC? This is normal to search this on a public computer, right? I really need to meet one. Awesome! Last day in college! I love being out drunk. Ahh…my computer. Who’s this transgender person I’m chatting to? My roommate is sleeping but that’s ok…I’m just in a chatroom until 5am. Ah…time to leave and pack my bags out of college….weird spending it alone in a chat room.
Guilt? Shame?

Whatever. Aw, thanks uncle for the graduation money! I can use this to go and meet transgender workers in NYC now  hurray! Another drinking event with friends!

Hurray for porn and drunk again in the basement of my parents’ home. I really want to go down on that transgender woman in this video. I really like how this guy is going down on her. Ya I really enjoy how he’s just yummmm. Wow. That was great. But. What the fuc*k?!??!? what did I just like?

A guy doing that to a transgender woman? It was always another girl going down on a transgender woman. I don’t even find him attractive, yet why do I enjoy watching this…

Porn addiction? This is REAL?! Is that all I am? Just an addict my ENTIRE LIFE? Oh my gosh…of course now after I get my degrees from school I’ll recognize this.

What’s this recovery nation site? Can it fix me? Let’s get started with it. but…what…who am I? I’m broken.

Let me get another internship. I need to be a writer. Values? What are these? Yoga? Let’s give that a shot!

Wow! This is amazing! It’s like I can just get high from doing other things than porn! Wow, thank recovery nation! You taught me about values! 70 plus lessons? That’s absurd. Most people on here are old. I’m what 22? I don’t need to complete the lessons. 35 sounds about good / right. Plus….I learned what values meant! It’s the basis for my health! Can I go to Tokyo? Thanks sister for the AA gift card!

Gosh…see I can be in Tokyo alone. I’ve faced my fears, right? I’ve traveled across the world alone…and now being alone doesn’t sound that bad. It’s what I wanted, yet faced, right?

I should be proud of myself for facing my fears and making new friends!

Time to move to Los Angeles!

How do I get a job? Can my sister get one for me? Ya…this is depressing. Hi, psychiatrist! My dad wants me to get tested for medication since I keep messing up on interviews. Great! GAD meds? Awesome.

Wow! I feel so much better! I feel the depression cloud lift!

Hi, therapist! Yes, I was a porn addict but I don’t watch it anymore. It’s been a few months. Aren’t I’m special?

Yes, I was bullied in childhood.

Why am I crying for three hours? What are these wounds I’m feeling now years later? Why am I crying about 9/11 in 2011? I kept my feelings buried?

Wow. I need to be connected with my feelings? Thanks, therapist! I know I didn’t need to complete the RN lessons. I just need to connect with my feelings.

Hi, psychiatrist! Yes, I would like to get tested for Asperger. Oh, I fall on the spectrum? Great! Medication for my ADD symptoms, please! Poor executive functioning skills? What’s that? So, per your perspective, masturbation is healthy, and just needs to be balanced?

That’s fine with me! It’s been over 1.5 years of abstinence from masturbation…and I just got the OK from doctor…let’s open up the closet! C’mon, addiction! You’re welcome in CA per doctor’s orders!

Well okay then!

Hurray for masturbation to transgender porn! Gosh this one is my favorite. If I can just pay to have sex with this pornstar. All of my fantasies and perfection would come true. How does it feel now to be sitting with that? To know that perfection is a thought or how I’ve manipulated my body? Makes me sad…like I’ve used these images just for my own stimulation.

Back to my 20s!

Oh wow! First job in industry! I’m…fired…? After two weeks? I seemed…nervous? F*ck them. And during this time…let me prove to myself that I’ve conquered my porn addiction by watching some. That’s logical, right? I can only know if I try. I try. Wow. Hurray for temp jobs in 2012!

Thanks, new therapist, for teaching me how to organize at work. Just so you know….i used to be a porn addict. But now instead I’ll just watch youtube videos for a few hours. They don’t have porn on there…but there really good ones that are almost on the verge of porn.

What did I do for new years in 2014? Well I obviously spent five hours on youtube looking for women. I know. I feel a bit guilty. But I’m not a sex addict, right? Of course you wouldn’t know…you’re just a general social worker…not an addiction specialist. But I’ll put the responsibility on you.

Ew! Why is my gay neighbor hitting on me? I’ll show him. I’ll prove to myself right now who I’m attracted to. Yes! Hardcore women porn! Yum! Oh gosh…I watched porn.

Help! Psychiatrist! A 12 step sex center with a sex addiction therapist in group therapy? Wow! Sounds great!

Hi my name is _____. I’m a porn addict. A sponsor? SAA meetings? Oh my gosh! The shame is evaporating from my chest because I hear other men express their feelings. You see? This is REAL recovery. This is where recovery nation got it wrong.

The human interaction is key for eliminating the shame. Now I’ll heal since I’ve healed my shame by reading my step 1 to a group. Hurray!

Hi new therapist! Yes, I watched transgender porn. Wait…you want me to date them? But that’s like escalating my addiction? Don’t you understand…I only watched it because of how much porn I consumed.

Ok. Well you’re the doctor here. I’ll date some.

Hurray for dating! This is fun.

I’m conquering my fears! I love the year 2015. It’s great! Ouch! Denise broke my heart. There’s a transgender night at a gay bar. Can I go to that? Sure!

Oh my gosh! Why did I just get so aroused making out with that trans woman? What is this place? Is she a prostitute? Did I get herpes from kissing her? Sponsor, I’m resetting my time.

I love dating online. I can scroll countless hours to meet other women. I can scroll through profiles who are long distant….perfect for me!

Ya…it’s not like porn at all, right? I mean…I do plan on dating some.

Hey new people to date!

Hello new job in 2015!
I love writing my fantasy script. When I finish it, I’ll be ready to then write an actual script I can shoot. I just need to finish this one I’ve been working on for years. I’m not setting myself up for failure by writing this massive world that is such a big scope, right? Look at how ambitious I am. I’ll make Dad proud.

Hello first girlfriend Jamie in 2016. We get along, right? Like it’s more than just physical, right? Why is everything we do revolve around sex? She’s not the one for me. She need to get a job and get her life together. She doesn’t know what she wants. Not like me. The sex is amazing…but I’ll need to let you go.

Hello online dating again! Let’s take this to short term hookups. How many messages can I send in an hour? Wow I’ll never be with her long term but I would have fun with her. Let me change the filters of this online dating site for those seeking casual encounters. Yes. She’s looking for hooking up. Nice!

I should also try to date too. Sure…but let me reach back out to Jamie again. Maybe she changed. What did you do?! You just reached out just for the sex?! What were you thinking. Fine. More online searching. Gosh. No one wants to meet.

Let’s narrow it to just transgender women. I’m nice, handsome, that’s all they need to get one.

Y that was a fun hook up. But she’s crazy. I like searching online. It’s normal if I just masturbate to an image of one that I saw online, right? That’s not getting the same him with porn, right? Ya it’s not as intense, but probably not the best thing to do. Ok fine.

Gosh I miss Jamie. It’s been seven months and one else compares. Maybe she’s better. Let’s hook up tonight! Oh gosh…did I just spend my whole weekend with her? Why did I waste seven months of my life obsessing if she changed to my template of perfection.

Let’s go back on online dating sites. It’s fine if I do it at work, right? Just don’t do it at your desk. How’s my script going? It’s ok.

I guess I’ll just admit transgender women is who I’m attracted to. I get the most aroused around them. I’ll tell my parents, too. This makes me look courageous, right? Dad, I like transgender women. Great, son!  it proves I don’t care what they think of me, right? My sister is proud of me too for coming out.

I’m bisexual now? Sure! Why not. Do I fit in anywhere? No.

I need a better dating site. Why not that gay hookup app? They have transgender women on there. OH NO WHAT DID I DO? Did I just watch porn again? I thought I conquered it. why did I almost to a stranger’s house at 2am? Man, it would’ve been fun though.

What’s SLAA? That sounds more me than SAA.

Thank God I have a therapist who knows my brain.

New transgender girl! Hi, Angela! Can you rescue me from hook up apps? You seem nice. Why do you vape? Don’t you know they’re bad for you?

Oh…you don’t want to see me anymore? I was judging you? Fine. Hello SLAA and new sponsor. Wow. You guys are so honest here. I’ve been sober from porn for four years. Aren’t I’m amazing?!

Oh gosh…Angela is not interested in me. My parents are visiting now.

Craigslist search for hookups! Perfect! It’s not porn, but it’s not dating. It’s this…what is this in my boundaries? Let’s assess consequences later.

It’s night time?! Was I on craigslist for eight hours and ignored writing and ignored time with my parents? Fine...I’ll see them now. But there was one transgender woman nearby. I might as well meet her if I’ve been searching all day, right? Ew! She’s gross. Let me go home. As long as I don’t pay for anything, I’m within my boundaries and I don’t have to reset my time.

Oh, hi Aaron! We were supposed to meet up on a date a few months ago. You want me to buy you weed and for me to come over to your apartment? Sure! I’ll be there in twenty. Hurray for getting a handjob and not putting myself at risk for STDs! I’m smart. What? My therapist was scared for what I did? Like I was out of character? I thought she knew my mind…

Let me check in on RN? Kenzo wrote that on my forum? How dare he says I haven’t recovered. He would not know. Doesn’t he know all of the therapy and 12 step meetings I’ve gone to. He needs to back off. Let me just continue with SLAA.

Hurray for a sober year mainly since not dating. Why am I on youtube looking for transgender pornstars during thanksgiving break? Sponsor, help! Hurray for 2019. Meditation? That sounds good!

Sit quiet for twenty minutes? Wait! Fear of my mortality? Why am I crying so much?! I thought I faced all my fears in therapy. Do I fear my mortality? Why am I fearing death? Oh my gosh. I need meditation. This is better than SLAA…I definitely won’t have slip ups again. Pride parade! Celebrate!

Wait…did I just watch porn? For the first time in five years? Why didn’t I like it more? Only for twenty minutes? Why not try again in two weeks later? It has no power over me.

Oh god. Am I living a nightmare? How am I doing this. I need to get back to dating. It’s been over two years. Who’s that girl at work who’s always looking at me? She’s a temp, right? Perfect. That body – we’re going to be together, right? Do I talk to her?

My anxiety is killing me. I can’t focus. Let me just say hello and grab lunch. Oh my gosh. Why am I crying again. Did I mess it up by pushing back the lunch? Am I overthinking this? What is this podcast on transforming your life? Maybe I should recommit to RN. I’ll see. But this co-worker is so pretty! How was lunch with her? Ok. She seemed like an airhead, but I’m probably just nervous too. Let me tell her about the bisexual documentary I made. Wait…why doesn’t she want to talk to me anymore? Because I mentioned bisexuality? I should just tell her I like trans women. That would change her mind of me, right? I can’t sh*t.

What about dating apps? Wow that’s a fun one. Did I just spend five hours on this one? Should I go to her house? I don’t want to bring a condom. I don’t want to go all the way. Fine I’ll bail.

What happened? I hate dating apps. I need to work on my dating plan.

Oh…who’s Drew? She’s cute. She doesn’t judge me because I’m bi. And I met her at an event in person. This is healthy, right? This proves I’m healthy?

Just holding hands on a second date. Nice! Wait…she doesn’t want to date and to just be friends? Right before Christmas 2019? Gosh this is going to be a hard Christmas break.

Let me call friends in the program. Do I call Jamie and facetime with her? Why is my body so overwhelmed? Yes I didn’t act out at home. Why do I have the need to do so now on a flight back to LA on January 1st 2020? Why am I sexualizing turbulence?
Finally home! Why did I masturbate on New Years Day when I was stressed out?

Let me look on the internet on January 3rd. wow! A social transgender hookup group? Tonight near LAX? Let me see…
Oh, hi, roomie! Thankfully my higher power is looking out for me so I don’t need to go now.

Saturday January 4th. Just had a full day out…why not check out that transgender bar? I need to date. Fine let’s go. Cool to be out with no objectives. Home now! Bored on phone.

Let’s look at strip clubs. Wow! Never did this on google maps…but it’s not acting out so it’s OK. Bed time.

Good morning Sunday January 5th, 2020.

Meditate first? Let’s put that on hold. How about…massage parlors? I can walk to one? Wow! Transgender pornstar escorts? Am I in heaven? Did I just spend eight hours on my computer?

Tuesday January 7th…listen to Jonathan Marsh audio interview on recovery nation. Remember the words from my meditation teacher a year before…you’ll remember your life in two parts…before you meditated…and after you started meditating.

I cry. It hits me. The lies. The mask. The delusion. It took me one year of meditating to recognize that…Kenzo was right. I was still an addict. I just allowed it to morph and take different type of shapes…but through it all…continuing to manipulate my body for another decade after my own recognition in 2010. I’ve manipulated my body in so many ways that it was impossible to set a boundary on everything….because it were my thoughts that allowed me to manipulate my body…through intense romance…to escorts…to the internet….I can manipulate my body just with a single thought…and be locked up in my room for an entire day…with my delusions I’ve created to stimulate me.