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PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 10:07 am 

Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
Hey Y'all,

I'm starting work here after quite a few failed attempts at abstinence (from porn usage). Right now I'm working on Lesson 3 of the self-recovery and I am encouraged by the nature of this program. I'm engaging with my wife about it as she goes through the partner lessons as well.

I'm posting here now because in exactly a week my wife will be leaving town and having her here is one of the things that keeps me from relapsing. I work from home, we live out of town, and as a result I will have a lot of alone time at the computer, which has been trouble in the past. She will be gone for 5 nights. I have had success in the past with abstinence (last time was over 90 days), but I relapsed about a month ago and with it I lied and then confessed and everything is quite hurtful and difficult right now. I'm on day 17 this time (since confession, it has been longer since last usage). I don't know if all of this details is helpful.

What I'm wanting to know is: should I look ahead in the lessons for a strategy for helping me get through this time? Anyone have some tips or links that maybe I should read and do? I'd like to make it through this period and continue on with my recovery without a relapse during this time but I know it will be challenging. Any advice would be appreciated.

PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2018 1:57 am 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 459

Thank you for posting and seeking guidance.

The workshop has been designed in a very logical manner that builds up gradually with various learning points along the way and then pulls it all together into a toolkit for recovery. I would therefore suggest that skipping ahead to a later lesson is not the way to go as it will pre-suppose that you have taken on board the earlier learning points.

I would suggest that most members join here as a result of either being caught or confessing to having acted out. As such they arrive with feelings of guilt and remorse and a commitment that this time they will change. If you look at the first posts of other members then they tend to follow this theme. As Kenzo wrote on your personal thread, we all have choices to make and despite what addicts tend to think about themselves, our addiction is not something that we have no control over. When you have an urge to act out then you will make a choice, the thing is, which choice are you going to make, a healthy or an unhealthy one? The point is, you can choose to make healthy choices, the perceived deprivation of not acting out may feel uncomfortable for a short while but that will pass and be replaced by a feeling of satisfaction that you had made a healthy choice. If you need any reminder for why you should make a healthy choice then re-read your first post which you recently made which outlines the reasons that you are here which will reinforce your motivation.

From a practical level, you can put settings on your computer and devices that would block access to inappropriate materials which you should do if you haven't already but I would suggest that you need to have a short term plan of what to do when your wife is away and you get tempted to act out. Have something healthy ready to do instead to immediately distract you such as going out for a walk, read a book, listen to some music, watch TV, look at RN, whatever, something to distract you until the feeling passes and then you can move on. You have stated that one of the reasons that you are here is for the relationship with your wife. Well, you should perhaps picture her walking back through the front door when she returns from her trip and you saying with a clear conscience that you have done well during the week and are proud of yourself. That goal should be in your mind if you are tempted during the week and do whatever is necessary in order to reach that important milestone. As you work your way through the lessons you will gain an understanding of how addiction works and will show you that a full recovery is achievable and is not a case of willpower.

I wish you luck with it and you can do this. If you are struggling at all of have questions then please post either here or to your own thread and guidance is on hand to help you.


A clean life; a clear conscience

PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2018 5:56 am 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4044
Location: UK
I'd like to make it through this period and continue on with my recovery without a relapse during this time but I know it will be challenging.

It will be no more challenging than at any other time
unless you allow it to be
your wife is not your overseer
you and you alone are accountable, accept that responsibility
L2R has given good advice when tempted to act out take a break
do something positive, do it for you
make that choice, choose wisely

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

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