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PostPosted: Sun Apr 04, 2021 12:46 am 
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Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:31 pm
Posts: 7
I have heard it said that the opposite of addiction is connection and that isolation feeds addiction. I would like to hear others view points on the possibility of a successful recovery from addiction when the man is isolating and trying to recover on his own by doing the following. Attending therapy with a CSAT once every 2 weeks and doing one lesson a week on the recovery nation recovery workshop. Other then that, they have zero friends who are in recovery, their only 2 friends they spend time with like to drink, go to bars and also look at porn so they do not appear to be healthy choices for a person in recovery. There is no sponsor, no accountability partner and no attendance of 12 step meetings. What are your thoughts on the chances that this person is in true recovery? I am asking this question to help in my own healing as the wife of an addict who is trying to determine her husbands sincerity and decide if I need to make some boundaries regarding the issue for my own safety and healing. trying to determine if my feeling like the above is not true recovery is valid or if I am over reacting and expecting too much from him. Thank you for your input.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 14, 2021 7:38 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4034
Location: UK
Hello runaway
sorry for the delayed response but I was hoping to see responses from the "white" side as they would probably be better to advise from their personal experiences
nevertheless
Quote:
I would like to hear others view points on the possibility of a successful recovery from addiction when the man is isolating and trying to recover on his own


In my experences recovery is "done alone"
for sure support and encouragement is often there from others including from our communities but in particular from our partners

but recovery is ours and our alone even though it, or more so lack of it, affects others close to us
Is your partner in recovery?
believe me only he really knows
addicts are great liars we all lied to all, in particular to ourselves
right upto and often beyond being caught

If he is in recovery great, because the reality is if he is not then he remains the biggest loser
for sure our partners pay a massive price but addicts continuing in addiction pay for that forever

my simple but likely oft repeated but not truly heeded advice, is for partners to realise and accept that they carry no blame, our addiction is not about you



Quote:
What are your thoughts on the chances that this person is in true recovery? I am asking this question to help in my own healing as the wife of an addict who is trying to determine her husbands sincerity and decide if I need to make some boundaries regarding the issue for my own safety and healing.


I often see partners write "follow your gut" it is great advice

Put boundaries in place, protect yourself and your healing, you matter, cherish that

Not sure if any of this helps but hoping it does
also hoping he is recovering and advising that we on the dark side are there in support should he be in need and being fully commited

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 19, 2021 9:45 am 
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Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:31 pm
Posts: 7
Coach Kenzo. Thank you so very much for your kind words. Hearing from a male perspective on the other side holds great value to me. I am trying to cherish myself and know that I am worthy of love and truth. I have begun voicing what I need to feel safe in my marriage to my husband . Most recently when he asked me if I was ok if he met his best friend for a beer at the local pub I spoke my truth. I let him know that I am very uncomfortable with my husband going to a pub and having a beer with this particular friend because the two of them together for 20 years of our marriage would go out to bars, get drunk, drink and drive to strip clubs where they would participate in private dances. I let my husband know that it is very triggering for me and asked if he could please meet this friend at someplace other then a pub and to please not drink alcohol with him. Making that request has turned into a huge ordeal with both my husband and his friend upset with me and his friend has told me that my request is "totally crazy behaviour" in his words and he told me that I am controlling and that don't understand how relationships work, that I can not control others. My heart is very broken by this response. I was truly trying to come to a compromise where everyone could be healthy and happy. Where they could hang out together in a healthy environment out of kindness to me and consideration of my pain that the two of them contributed to for years. I do not feel I am being controlling in my request considering the past acting out history they have together. If you or anyone from the recovery side has input on this I would greatly appreciate it. I am feeling defeated by this.
Thank you so much. I hope you all have a wonderful day.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 19, 2021 3:26 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:31 pm
Posts: 7
Coach Kenzo, I want to apologize as I just realized I assumed to know your gender when I wrote to you above. I should never assume to know anyones gender or sex. My kids have taught me that. :g:
Wishing you a wonderful day.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 21, 2021 4:15 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4034
Location: UK
Hi Runaway
Quote:
I want to apologize

those on the "white" side should never need to apologise to we on this side, but thanks for caring

Quote:
I am trying to cherish myself and know that I am worthy of love and truth
.

you should and you are

Quote:
I have begun voicing what I need to feel safe in my marriage to my husband .

again you should and he should accept your boundaries are your boundaries and they are there for you , not for him


Quote:
I let my husband know that it is very triggering for me and asked if he could please meet this friend at someplace other then a pub and to please not drink alcohol with him.

IMO a very reasonable request


Quote:
I am controlling and that don't understand how relationships work,


controlling no, you have made a request not a demand , he has the choice, respect your needs, make or at least try to make ammends , or to continue to even if in some minor way , protect his past, his addiction

remind him that addicts dont understand relationships , except with their addiction, that is unless and until they truely engage completely with recovery

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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