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PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2016 10:53 am 

Joined: Fri May 20, 2005 3:16 pm
Posts: 38
LESSON 16: Identifying Core Values

A. Ten Core Values that guide me:
1. My faith-it is central to who I am. Everything radiates from there. Remembering my identity in Christ is key to my recovery.
2. My family / community / tribe-building healthy relationships with others.
3. Using my gifts and talents to serve and bless others.
4. Taking care of my mind and body through exercise, good nutrition and beautiful things that inspire my soul.
5. All children can learn, regardless of disability and all children need to have the opportunity to be all God created them to be.
6. The value of music and art.
7. Communication
8. Gratitude-being thankful in all circumstances is not only a command but also a tool to keep away depression.
9. Trust / Integrity
10. Honesty / Being real and authentic

B. I am working hard at letting the first five goals guide my life, though making time for exercise has been challenging. I would also like to figure out how to incorporate more music and art into my life and the lives of the students I work with. I need to get back to keeping a gratitude journal; I'm struggling with holiday blues / depression at the moment.

C. The only differences I see between my lists have to do with trust / integrity and honesty. These are values that I feel have been compromised over the years and I am trying to figure out how to reclaim them in my current relationship.......or move on with these values taking a higher priority. I honestly can't imagine completely trusting a man again when my husband was living a double life and had secrets for the entire time we were dating, newlyweds and on into marriage. He still has his secret addiction.

PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 10:59 am 

Joined: Fri May 20, 2005 3:16 pm
Posts: 38
Exercise 18: When Values Collide

A. Examples of Value Collisions at our home and the Fallout
When values collide at our house, it is usually around how money is saved or spent. My husband is the spender and I am the saver.....or at least more thrifty. I pack lunches; he buys lunches. He works in a large, busy city and buys lunches from food trucks. At about $10/ lunch, this adds up so quickly, it breaks my heart and I feel anger and resentment that we could be spending more time on weekend getaways or vacations. He is eating our vacations away. We sit down and discuss our finances a few times a year; sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn't. Fortunately, we are now in a place financially that we track money better and he has a better income, so the impact isn't as painful and noticeable as it used to be. Earlier in our marriage, not long after the "big revelation" he wanted to explore making homemade root beer and bought all the necessary supplies for it. He probably invested a few hundred dollars into the project. Meanwhile, I'm feeling shattered, devastated, desperately wanting some tangible proof that our marriage is of value and a priority to him. I wanted money spent on counseling. It was quite a difficult time and looking back I don't quite know how we survived together.....obviously it is a God thing.

B.. Current Values That Collide

As stated above, we often collide regarding money, though the impact isn't as great as it used to be.
Currently, we occasionally collide on how to spend my husband's limited free time and vacation time / paid time off from work. He tends to want to relax at home; I want to get out and do things. As started above, he eats through extra money that could be spent on vacations, so we take very few. I do feel anger and resentment about this.

C. Values I Will Not Compromise

While I understand my husband occasionally uses pornography as a coping skill, I will not tolerate him acting out with another person. I have already compromised my value system this far, trying to understand and have compassion for my husband. I will not tolerate all-out, full-on adultery.

I will not tolerate our finances being impacted by addiction-calls to sex lines etc.

I will not change my faith and values even if he is lukewarm / wishy washy about what he believes.

That's all for now.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 12, 2017 11:01 am 

Joined: Fri May 20, 2005 3:16 pm
Posts: 38
Exercise 19: Values and related rules

My husband and I are currently seeing a counselor. The process is quite grueling and painful as stuffed emotions are awakened. I have chosen to value a stable family, or at least the appearance of it, over my own mental health / well being / honesty. In this way I have participated in deception and perpetuated the lie and his addiction. I am currently trying to identify values and boundaries. My boundaries are such a mess right now I am not sure what I value. I think truth and honesty are starting to come to the forefront.

A. I value Truth / honesty/integrity
*I will be honest and and truthful about when actions / behaviors hurt me
*I will find constructive ways to express anger / disappointment

I value teamwork and quality time together
* I will make time for the important relationships in my life.
* I will participate in activities that enhance relationships.
* I will delegate and ask for help when I feel tired and overwhelmed.

I value my faith and the hope that comes from it.
* I will spend time daily with God. (journaling, reading, praying)
* I will spend time in fellowship with friends.
* I will use my gifts and talents to build up others.

B. I met a guy in graduate school who became one of my dearest friends. Conversation came easily and I felt heard, validated, understood. I would have married him, but he never asked. Even though our paths parted and we each married others, we remained in touch, writing letters and talking frequently on the phone. I did not have adequate boundaries in place to prevent an emotional affair. When things started going wrong in my marriage, it was easier to turn to my friend rather than my husband.

C. I currently work under the direction of a male teacher. At this moment in time I am very vulnerable, but I have professional and personal boundaries in place that tell me not to fill my emotional needs through a relationship with him.

PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2021 12:55 pm 

Joined: Fri May 20, 2005 3:16 pm
Posts: 38

WOW. I am in a very different space but what a journey. Back in Nov 2016, I started working with a counselor who graduated from the Mars Hill School of Theology and Psychology. He helped me find my voice and speak up for myself. I worked with him for three years going deep into dealing with the impact of childhood trauma and abuse including the inevitable shame and contempt. Between working with him and being very discouraged with the current state of public education, I have changed careers and returned to graduated school to begin working toward a degree in Psychology and Counseling.

As recently as a few years ago, my husband was still resistant to being involved in recovery groups and getting counseling. A global pandemic has actually changed our lives for the better. He no longer has a long commute to work and has time to see a counselor and attend recovery groups. Because he works from home, he can engage in hobbies and physical activities that feed his soul. He is truly changing and getting healthy. I am so very thankful....but Oh DEAR has been long in coming. So. very. long.

As I ponder where I might be headed I think I will go back and review the lessons. I remember how helpful they were years ago. I am collecting resources for friends who find themselves in the position of being betrayed. There is such a need for certified partner trauma therapists/counselors. There aren't any in my area.

My journey continues.


PostPosted: Mon Mar 01, 2021 2:22 pm 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:29 pm
Posts: 145

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