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PostPosted: Mon Sep 06, 2021 5:53 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2021 4:36 pm
Posts: 1
I knew my husband watched pornography before we got married and I even watched some with him. I just didn't understand how harmful it was. I was naive and in love and did things to please him because I loved him more than I loved myself. I was very dysfunctional. Then I started to understand. The more I tried to please him in order to feel loved, the less loved I felt. I felt objectified, not a real person. When I started to push back, I was told there was something wrong with me and I needed to get help. I questioned myself. Was he right? Eventually I decided I didn't care whether I was right or not. I just knew I didn't want to do the things he wanted to do anymore. I tried to set boundaries which he constantly pushed. He didn't think there was anything wrong with pornography. He would get angry with me when I wasn't meeting his "needs". Finally, I told him to google the effects of pornography on relationships and he finally admitted it was a problem. He even confessed to our pastor and even our children! He tried to change on his own but didn't seek out professional help. He's been caught more than once viewing pornography over the years since then, even once by our teenage daughter! I can tell when he's been viewing it because he becomes hyper-focused on sex and constantly talks about it. The last time I caught him I told him I wanted us to go to counseling. The counselor directed us to Recovery Nation. We were going to do it as a couple but never really got started. He's again hyper-focused on sex so I suspect he's viewing it again. He's blamed me for all of our relationship problems, not just sexual problems. I don't trust him when it comes to honesty about pornography and I don't trust him with my feelings. I've tried to tell him how I feel at times but have had him become verbally and emotionally abusive too many times, not just about sex but about anything which he feels is a criticism of him. I even told him some very personal things about myself from before we started dating, only to have it used against me during arguments in order to support his position that there is something wrong with me. I don't feel close at all to him and can't bring myself to allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable with him. I know he has self esteem issues from an emotionally abusive mother growing up. He is so emotionally needy. Just thinking about trying to meet his emotional and sexual needs is exhausting. I can't be what he wants whether in sex or anything else. I just feel numb. It's time I focus on healing myself.


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