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PostPosted: Sat Apr 07, 2018 8:28 am 

Joined: Thu Apr 05, 2018 3:15 am
Posts: 2
I believe that I am kind, understanding, compassionate, honest, loyal and trustworthy. I feel lucky to be healthy and loved. I value feeling helpful and useful and am fortunate to obtain this from my profession and parenting every day. I resolve to reduce the temptation to be quite so helpful and involved in my partners addiction and to put more emphasis on helping myself in useful and empowering ways - and to acknowledge my gains in this area as they occur.

These days I tend to enjoy predictability and structure/routine - mostly. This seems to combine well with my acquired high desire for control, which I pledge to work at reducing in all areas of my life. Allowing and accepting more spontaneity and surprise will add an element back in to my life that I have longed for, but didn't feel I had the space to accommodate. There were already too many relationship surprises to 'manage or control'. Reducing my focus on controlling my partners addiction/recovery will hopefully lead to increased time and opportunity for more personal pursuits, interests and hobbies.

I realise now that I have become more socially isolated over the years, declining events in favour of being home with my husband or by not being completely honest with my closest friends about what was going on in my life because I felt embarrassed and ashamed. My staying home linked with the delusion that I was maintaining about having some degree of control over his acting out. Of course, I thought that if I was home, nothing deceitful could be going on. So my courage to be independently social is high in my vision for the future, and at this point seems a little idealistic because I fear letting go. My brain says I must and my heart gasps in terror.

Possibly the best quote I could think of to illustrate myself at this time is by Rumi. "Maybe you are searching among the branches for what only appears in the roots." For many years now I feel like I have been living incongruently and not truly connecting with my authentic self as I was just reacting to or recovering from one discovery after another..... falling further and further out of touch with my roots as I tended to all of the decaying and failing branches.

So my greatest vision for the future is to give myself an opportunity each day to reflect on the day from a values perspective. To rebuild a connection with my identity and what truly resonates with the woman deep within, and not the one who has been cleaning up all the debris.

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