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PostPosted: Tue Dec 17, 2019 8:10 pm 

Joined: Wed Nov 27, 2019 8:10 pm
Posts: 4
Lesson 1:

So hard to put this into words. My first d day was 3 years ago after 7 months of dating. He was my first relationship in 10 years, I fell madly in love and was completely convinced that he did too. The relationship started slow, we were friends for over 3 months before anything physical happened. In fact, I was frustrated with him for not making a move sooner and wondered if he suffered from a low sex drive. Once we started having sex it became all consuming, at least once a day and 2-3 times/day on weekends. We were inseparable and I thought we were totally committed to each other. After 7 months together and a few red flags that things weren't what they seemed, I found out that he had an online sex addiction going back over 25 years and that he had gone to jail for 3 years for online sex with a 14 year old girl 10 years prior. He was a registered sex offender. At the same time I found out that he was still actively engaged in online sex with men, women and barely legal girls. He was also a cross dresser. I was absolutely devastated, suicidal, deep depression, almost non-functioning for a period of time. I thought when I confronted him that he would confess and be ashamed, contrite and humiliated, vowing to do anything to not be that person anymore. Instead, he looked me straight in the face and told me he had no idea what I was talking about. He lied, he gaslighted, he minimized, he projected and blamed me. This was more devastating to me than the actual revelation. I didn't know this person, he shared no resemblance to the man I had fallen in love with. I resolved to end the relationship, I did end it. But he kept texting and manipulating me into seeing him. I wanted to see him, I missed him horribly and couldn't wrap my head around what was happening. My whole world fell apart, I kept asking him why I wasn't enough for him and trying to make sense out of what I had just discovered. We had a great relationship, we loved being together, we had a great sex life, we were a family. How could he do this? Why did he do this? He continued to minimize, lie and dismiss his behavior but he started seeing a therapist and so did I. My devastation turned to anger over time and an obsession to know and understand exactly what he did online and how to fix him. These last few years have been a series of d-days and brief separations followed by more lies, more broken promises, new revelations. I began to visit Tinder, Craigslist, Whisper and KIK in search of him and gradually started retaliating against him by joining his groups and talking to or having sex with other men. I also started acting out with him, we had several threesomes and attended swinger parties and sex clubs. 3 months ago I found evidence that he was talking to barely legal girls again and men. I snapped. He tells me that he's ready to stop, that he will do anything and he has started with a new therapist, new sex therapist and back to SAA and AA, He has no smartphone or internet access( that I have uncovered anyway) and seems to be making more of an effort than he has in the past. I am stuck, I despise him and can't fathom that this man preys on young, lost girls to satisfy his selfish addiction. I hate myself for enabling him, not knowing sooner, not leaving. How can I love a man who would do these things? How can I have so little self respect? How can I expose my children to someone so sick? How did I allow myself to get so sick? I have been in recovery from substance abuse for over 20 years, done tons of therapy, prided myself on being a good, moral person. How did I get so off track? I came across this site during a desperate search for something that could help me, something more than the addiction therapist who doesn't seem to understand sex addiction, more than me trying to understand and control his behavior and treatment plan, something that would help me regain control of my emotional life. I have realized that I can't keep blaming him and expecting that if he gets better I will get better. With or without him in my life, I am damaged. I need to heal from this and regain my sense of morality, self-worth, life direction. I have suspended judgement on myself and give myself the gift of time to do the work here and find support and perspective from those of you who know my pain, you are my peers and there is no one who can help me the way you can. Thank you for being here and supporting me. I finally have some hope for my own recovery. His recovery is very much still in question but I finally understand that I can still get well regardless. What a gift.

Last edited by HoneyCat860 on Wed Dec 18, 2019 6:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Tue Dec 17, 2019 9:22 pm 

Joined: Wed Nov 27, 2019 8:10 pm
Posts: 4
Lesson II, My Vision

Be the woman my higher power would want me to be. I have a God voice/intuition that tells me what the next right thing to do is. I want to get back to tuning into that voice and letting it guide my life and development. I will do that through daily prayer (talking to God) and meditation(listening to God), through journaling, through consulting trusted friends/advisors when I have doubts or decisions to make.
I will pause and think about the consequences of my actions or words before I act.
I will practice restraint of pen, keyboard and tongue when to voice my opinion is either unnecessary, unkind, or untrue.
I will do what I say I am going to do by keeping my commitments to myself and others.
I will stretch myself in my personal relationships, practicing and evolving in my quest to be a good friend, mom, daughter, co-worker and partner.
I will practice self care so I can be healthy and present for my children and others in my life.
I will act with integrity. There should be nothing I do that I feel the need to hide from others.
When I do I act badly (I'm sure this will happen) I will be quick to admit that I was wrong and strive to correct or amend the behavior or situation.
I will remain humble and teachable. I must remember that I don't have all the answers, don't know what's best for anybody but myself, and am frequently wrong. I am a human being, which means I am the same as everybody else, no better and no worse.
I will honor the woman that I am by being true to myself. I will trust my instincts, express my needs and boundaries and be willing to walk away from a person who doesn't respect those needs and boundaries.
I will leave this world a better place, I will do meaningful work that has a positive impact on nature, animals, people.

Lesson lll:

A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).

1 When my gut was telling me that something was wrong, right before d-day. I went through his computer, his pictures, his email looking for whatever it was that I knew was 'wrong'. I finally found his Craigslist personal ads, his pictures of himself in women's lingerie, evidence of webcamming sessions with men and women, and a paid membership on Tinder.

2 Since then my gut has told me many times that he was lying about having a smartphone, lying about being online, lying about his sober time. He would swear on his kids lives that he was telling the truth, but my gut would know that something wasn't right about what he was saying. I found the truth many times and other times I didn't but I still feel strongly that my gut was onto the truth.

B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behavior.

1 When he told me he was going to stop the first time. He started going to AA once a week and seeing a counselor. My gut knew that this was just to appease me and he had no willingness to change but I wanted to believe him so I ignored the signs.

2 I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt many, many times when my gut knew he was hiding things but I couldn't prove it. Sometimes I looked hard trying to prove it, other times I simply looked the other way so I could go back to loving him and pretending the addiction was at bay.

3 For 3 years he swore on his kids lives that he no longer sought out young women of questionable age online.during those times when he 'relapsed'. I needed to believe him in order to stick it out in the relationship. My gut told me he was still attracted to and pursuing teens/young women online but it took 3 years before I found proof.

4 After the first d day he began asking me to participate in online activity with him. He said it would make it easier for him not to act out and that his sex therapist said it was OK as long as we both consented. My gut told me this was unhealthy behavior and just another form of his addiction. It turns out my gut was right....It didn't help his addiction, it just dragged me into it with him.

C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.

1 If he were to tell me he could use a computer or smartphone again.

2 If he stopped or slowed down on his therapy and support groups claiming that he had his addiction under control

3 If he stared accusing or projecting behaviors onto me as a way to gaslight me into thinking it was me, not him in the wrong.

Lesson IIII

1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that — in your gut — you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process.

a. Inquisitive
b. Loyal
c. Generous
d. Animal lover
e. Sense of humor
f. Belief in a Higher Power
g. Loves his family, wants to protect them
h. Interested in the world around him, curious
i. Gentle
j. Good manners when he wants to use them
k. Survivor
l. Tuned into people, able to read body language and see past the walls
m. Can be a good listener
n. Good storyteller, can be interesting to talk to
o. Good personality, people like him

2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.

a. Dishonesty
b. Lack of humility
c. Can't see his part, admit when he is wrong
d. Jealousy, insecurity
e. Distrusting of myself and others
f. Lack of transparency
g. Lack of empathy
h. Self serving
i. Self obsessed
j. Doesn't recognize the humanity in others or respect that we are all important and valuable, not to be judged soley on their usefulness to him.
k. Defensive, volatile, chaotic
l. No communication skills, can't have a disagreement or discussion without raising his voice and talking over me
m. Not self supporting, can't seem to hold a job or remain stable long enough to build a life (probably could change with recovery)
n. Cares more about what people think of him than about his own recovery or well being

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