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 Post subject: my future
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2019 9:43 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 92
So, after about 8 yrs of living with a manipulative, lying addict, I left for good. He may have actually stopped at that point, had successful therapy. I never found anything, no stashes, no traces of activity on computer or phone. for a very long time, well over a year, maybe 2. but i couldn't trust or believe, and i lived in constant fear of that piano falling, that he would relapse or he would slip and never tell me. and he wouldn't. he was never transparent or fully honest during the recovery attempts, nor during therapy. he actually had a therapist telling him to not tell me!! and he listened to the therapist, instead of me.

even though it didn't look like he was doing any of those behaviors anymore, i stil had to leave. i wanted a future, hope, be away from the pain, fear and memories. a chance at life. a man whom I could trust, one who would be honest and respect me. a man who doesn't use pornography. maybe that man doesn't exist. in which case, i will live the rest of my life alone, without love, without a partner. i will not have that behavior in my life. that is a deal breaker for me. i would rather be alone, even though it terrifies me, even though it hurts, even though i want and need a partner so badly.

i wanted away from the pain and fear and memories, but i took all that with me. and i cant let go of it. this experience changed me forever. i am not me. i dont even know who me is, it's been so long. I have PTSD,and trauma bonding. if i had the chance to do it all again, and knowing what i know now, i would have left D immediately, and spared myself a lot of trauma, pain, hardship, and damage.

i know this is supposed to be a place of healing. I know this is where others come desperate for some hope, as i once did. I'm sorry. I can't help there.

 Post subject: Re: my future
PostPosted: Tue Jul 16, 2019 6:15 am 

Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 190
Jackie, thank you for sharing your very honest and very real experiences. Healing certainly isn’t about staying in relationships that are fundamentally broken or damaging, and whether we remain in our relationships or not, our personal healing is paramount.

Trust is the bedrock of our most intimate relationships and it’s difficult to trust someone who has a sexual addiction, even if their addiction behaviour is mostly compulsive porn use, because there is always deception, outright lies and lies of omission, minimising, secrecy and all the rest. For partners, there are feelings of rejection and low self esteem, sometimes poor body image, or shutting down our own sexuality. If I was to write a list of all the effects my husband’s addiction had on me, there would be many, from avoiding mirrors to not having regular dental appointments. The advertising slogan that would have been apt for me would be “… because I’m worthless”.

After d day, my husband wasn’t honest with me. Denials, minimising, outright lies and gaslighting. When I caught him in a lie he’d get angry at me. Yet how could he expect me to trust him if he still thought it was OK to lie? He now sees that his lying was damaging but he knows that I have issues with trust, but as if it’s a failing in me. Does he acknowledge his own role in this? To some extent but I doubt I can ever trust him in the way I’d like to. I don’t ask questions if I know there’s a probability that he’d give me an untruthful or misleading answer.

You are right. We carry the trauma and the wounds of betrayal wherever we are. Our own healing is very personal to us. If we stay in the relationship or if we leave, we’re still hurt by the experience. Not only hurt, but as you say, we have been changed by it too and it’s not nice. We aren’t the people we once were or should have been. Years later we are still feeling hurt and disrupted to the core. Healing is mostly about our own self care and doing meaningful and enjoyable activities that are nothing to do with out relationship. We have to learn the skills of “doing a 180” to get our lives back on track.

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