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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 6:21 pm 

Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2013 12:14 am
Posts: 13
Exercise 1

This exercise would normally be difficult for me. I think because of the pain and numbness I felt I really just didn't care what my husband put on the paper and I sure had no interest in looking for it. My mind was doing a number on me as it was I certainly didn't need conformation of details.

After two days I did ask him if he had completed it and was if he was being thorough. He said he had been. I then asked him if he put it in an envelope. He tends to do things his way so I was wondering how sincere he was in completing the assignment as RN suggested. It was at this time that I discovered that he "made" an envelope to a walk to the park and destroyed the letter. I was angry. I'm not sure as to the full extent of the exercise but I felt like he robbed me of what I was supposed to be getting out of it. So after telling him that we agreed that he would rewrite the letter and we would wait the three days as instructed. He has since burned it in the fire pit and released it to God.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 6:55 pm 

Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2013 12:14 am
Posts: 13
Exercise 2

My husband has been nurturing throughout our relationship so I wasn't thinking that we'd get that much out of this exercise. He began by warming my feet up on his stomach and then massaging my feet and really spending time feeling and exploring my feet. He's not into feet so it was initially awkward when he started noticing a freckle that is now his "favorite" freckle. He's given me lots of feet rubs so the fact he was taking so much time getting to know the texture of my skin and all the little things made me feel like a nervous school girl.

Later he feed me some hot tamales and skittles. I haven't been eating much and didn't have an appetite so we thought we'd start with that. I didn't like this at all. He was trying so hard but the pace was not mine. I also have a difficult time giving up control so this one was hard for me not to grab one if he wasn't paying attention to when I was finished.

That evening he decided to paint my fingernails. I haven't had them painted for a while so I thought why not. He really took his time and made me feel special. It was so cute how he fussed over the application. I appreciated his enthusiasm and enjoyed the connection we had during this part of the exercise.

Since all the books I currently am reading are on recovery I asked him to read me Song of Songs and Ruth. It was nice having someone read to me. I don't think I've ever really been read to not even as a kid besides a teacher.

Lastly he brushed my teeth before bed. This was extremely nerve racking. Apparently a piece of hot tamale was stuck and he was trying to get it out, which I didn't know. He jammed it into my gums and I thought he had drawn blood. After realizing it was the tamale I calmly sat back down and then had the genius idea to turn off the tooth brush and have him brush it manually. Boy what a difference. He was very gentle and took his time to make sure each tooth had it's fare share of brushing. I really think doing one of these acts could be effective but having several combined brought us to a different closeness. One of bringing trust and nurturing back into the relationship.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 7:27 pm 

Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 29
Lesson 1 - I have struggled with pride and arrogance dictating my words and actions and the list was a good example of that. I completed the list and then did not follow the exact process dictated in the lesson. After my wife called me on it I reaslized that I was just repeating past mistakes and that part of what I needed to do was recognize when I was being willfull and stop it. I then redid the exercise, waited the three days and finally destroyed the list in a fire after praying to God for forgiveness. "Giving it up to God" was an excellent suggestion by my wife and it did help me a little. I don't know how long it will be before I can forgive myself for the pain I caused her, but I'm going to work on that too.

Lesson 2 - The nurturing exercise was interesting and I used it as an opportunity to try and be much more in tune with my wife's feelings and emotions; to connect with her in a much different way. I intellectualize far too much and this was a good opportunity to work on feelings rather than thought. I knew that she was uncomfortable but I didn't realize that she felt like a school girl until I read her thread. The feeding part was not a tremendous success simply because neither of us felt very comfortable about it. The teeth brushing, however, was the one that both of us were most nervous about. I didn't want to spray toothpaste all over her and also didn't want to hurt her. When we figured out that doing the brushing manually was a much better idea, we both became more comfortable and it ended ok. I don't think either of us is looking to repeat the experiance, however! We have continued with the foot massages and I think the exercise was very useful in reconnecting us on an emontional level.

Last edited by Qwerty on Fri Jan 18, 2013 7:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 7:46 pm 

Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2013 12:14 am
Posts: 13
Healing Contract

1. Viewing pornography, sexual images, newspapers for fantasies or masturbation.
Consequence: This will terminate our marriage.

2. Being dishonest, telling half truths, or omitting information will not be tolerated.
Consequence: first offense- Trust gained will be lost and will need to be rebuilt
second offense- move out for two weeks
third offense- terminate our marriage

3. All progress in recovery must be honest.
Consequence: Same as the second as I feel dishonesty of progress in recovery by omission or omitting progress is viewed the same as lying in my eyes.

4. Recovery needs to be ongoing in both of our lives. Progress needs to be ongoing. Progress in my eyes is being truthful, working through RN workshops, applying rational recovery to daily life.
Consequence: I will not nag. If progress is not being made then I need to reevaluate my commitment to the relationship and proceed with my healing.

5. Time on the Internet or Smart phone at this time must be limited to work, recovery or agreed upon.
Consequence: first offense- Staying in separate rooms for a week
second offense- move out for two weeks
third offense- terminate marriage

6. My husband will respect me and not objectify women.
Consequence: first offense- sleep in separate rooms one week
second offense- I will view this as backsliding and determine whether or not I want to remain in the relationship.

7. If my husband is struggling he will share this with me so we can work through it together.
Consequence: If he tries to “spare” my feelings and hides his struggles than I need to determine whether or not I want to remain in the relationship.

8. My husband and I will not view any visual entertainment that is not kid friendly at this time until more healing has taken place.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 16, 2014 10:49 am 

Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 29
Querty: We have restarted the couple's healing after realizing we were not yet ready for it last year. The following are my responses to the first activity.

Couples Vision - Querty:

In the next Year – 2014:

1. To have times of fun together that I plan and execute, not just wait for my wife to create something.
2. To begin to develop trust again in our relationship.
3. To have closeness together (not sex) most of the time instead of just occasionally.
4. To continue to plan for our future together and execute those plans.

Experiences and Challenges to be Shared from Now Until My Death - Querty:

1. Challenge: Building trust so that it is a constant in our lives and not questioned.
2. Challenge – Successfully transition my son to adulthood where he is happy and productive.
3. Plan and experience my daughter's wedding.
4. Experience grandchildren together.
5. Experience being debt free together!
6. Experience beach life together and decide which beach(s) we want to live on full time.
7. Experience travelling the world when and where we wish.
8. I wish that the memories we look back on are filled with the good times we craft together, not the pain that I've caused us.

Obstacles - Querty:

1. Lack of trust. This will also take some time and will be the biggest challenge we face.
2. Lack of forgiveness. This is going to take some time and will probably be the second biggest challenge we face.
3. Inefficient communication. We are working on this and it is getting better, but I especially need to make a lot of progress in this area.
4. Patience – Having the patience to go through the healing process.
5. Faith – Having the faith that healing can be accomplished.
6. Commitment – Having the commitment to our relationship to do what has to be done to heal.
7. Consistency – Doing something on a regular basis, at least weekly, to further our healing.
8. Healing my wife's self-image
9. My wife's alcohol addiction
10. My procrastination and self-image

Life Goals – Querty

1. Share my future with my wife.
2. Be debt free.
3. Provide financially for my wife for the rest of her life.
4. Have a house on the beach in tropical waters.
5. Learn to scuba dive.
6. Swim with dolphins.
7. Visit historical sites and museums in England and Europe.
8. Visit L’Hermitage in Russia
9. Incorporate woodworking into my weekly lifestyle.
10. Look back on my life from this point forward without regrets.

Life Goals – What I think my wife wants:

1. To be loved and desired exclusively.
2. To feel attractive and desirable all the time.
3. To trust someone so much that she can love him with all her heart and give all that is in her.
4. To have the kids be happy and appreciative of what she does/did for them.
5. To live at the beach.
6. To regain the joy of diving.
7. To be debt free and financially secure.
8. To travel wherever and whenever.
9. To do something that helps animals (dogs especially).
10. To create – crafts, writing, food.
11. To feel physically well all the time.

Top 10 Values - Querty:

Rank Value
1 I will never take an action against one of my values or against my Vision for my life
2 I will speak rarely and only after considering if I am speaking from pride or arrogance or a desire for approval
3 I will earnestly strive to have true intimacy, either sexual or not, within a romantic relationship with my wife
4 I will maintain a truly intimate relationship with my wife as a constant environment, not a brief moment
5 I will use my time effectively and end my procrastination
6 I will not wall myself off from the world by staying home or burying myself in books
7 I will be able to provide financial security for my wife for the rest of her life
8 I will listen to my wife and strive to know her through her words, not my analysis
9 I will live a life of fullness and richness
10 Self respect, I want to be able to say I'm proud of myself

PostPosted: Sun Mar 16, 2014 10:49 am 

Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 29
Double posted by mistake.

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