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PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2016 10:34 pm 

Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 5:00 pm
Posts: 2
My vision for our marriage : surfer_gal's response

In the next year:
In the next year of our marriage, I would like to do at least one intensive as a couple. I would like to begin to feel like myself again and re-establish some sense of stability and feel "normal" together again. I would like to feel better about our future together and where our relationship is headed. I would like to begin a new and better marriage and relationship with my spouse based upon truth and honesty because the current marriage is non-existent. I would like to get to the point where we have regular time together and enjoy a date night without it ending in a fight. I would really love it if he could start to show some signs of being trustworthy and at least start real recovery so I can heal instead of being re-traumatized every day.

Looking back from our death until now: ( I framed this question with the viewpoint of someone we know looking back at our marriage from our funeral hopefully many years in the future)
I would like people to see us as a couple who worked through all odds and overcame huge obstacles together. I would like our daughter to admire and look up to the bother us us for doing the impossible by staying together and working through this addiction into a healthy relationship and marriage. I would like other couples to find hope in our story and have achieved a wonderful transformation in ourselves and our marriage. I would like people to see God's mercy and grace when they think about us and what we had accomplished together. I would like to eventually get to the point where we are helping other couples struggling to stay together even though addiction is tearing their marriage apart.

Obstacles Standing in our way of repairing our relationship:
My husband is still not sober and acts out fairly regularly as far as I know. We are both busy with other things in our lives like work, taking care of our daughter, and our own personal journeys towards healing. We need to make recovery a higher priority in order to become successful in healing and in our lives in general. I am not good at time management. My husband wavers back and forth between denial and indifference towards his current state of mental unhealthiness. From my observation, he doesn't quite seem to grasp the negative ripple effect that his actions have on our daughter, our families, my job, his current studies ( studying for the MCAT), our relationship with God, and friends. He doesnt seem to fully understand the damage he has done. He is not at the point where is is desperate for change, but I am. He is only half willing and lacks the motivation to do whatever it takes to get healthy. Sometimes I feel like hes just going through the motions to appease me.

Goals I need to accomplish in my lifetime:
Get skydiving license, go on several cruises, travel to certain destinations, do a medical missions trip.

Goals my Husband needs to accomplish in his lifetime:
Get into and complete medical school, become a doctor. Travel more, get a boat, get skydiving license, move to a bigger house by the beach.

PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:29 pm 

Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 2:10 pm
Posts: 1
My vision:
a. I believe I am leading a life to the best of my abilities. I have come from a low income and broken family. I believe I love my daughter and my wife. I believe I am doing the best I can to raise my daughter to be happy and intelligent in life. I believe I am leading a life that is now in a different direction then my wife. I believe my wife has changed in a very negative way because of a mistake I made which I am not having much success in correcting.

b. I would hope to experience some happiness and joy with my wife. I don't care what we do as long as we are together. I would like to experience some love/sex with my wife. I would like to experience a life that is more than roommates at least for a few days a week.
I would like to grow old with my wife. I would like to share the experience of living in a retirement home, traveling, changing the world, and seeing our grand kids. I would like to experience life together and be at least 75% honest, instead of what I am right now. I look forward to the challenge of raising our daughter. Seeing my wife reach her dreams and being happily married to me like we once were. Our first 4 years of dating and our first 6 years of marriage were some of the best years of my life.

c. Obstacles that will be standing between me enacting this vision would be misunderstanding between my wife and I. Inability to effectively communicate. Unable to express my feeling because of fear that I might hurt her. Expressing my feelings and thought and having them misinterpreted being told I don't believe in something when I do. Being treated for an illness I don't have. Getting sick from the therapy I am taking. Losing myself in the process of try to be someone I am not.

d. I believe I have accomplished/experience a sense of fulfilled life. At this point I am just pushing limits to see how much more I can accomplish.

e. Work less to serve more, play music, travel, live a happy life.

1. Daughter
2. Wife
3. Studies
4. Close Friends
5. God
6. Work/helping others
7. Friends/Family

PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:56 pm 

Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 5:00 pm
Posts: 2
Healing contract:

As long as you are resistant and defensive to my opportunities, your brain will interpret it as an ultimatum rather than an invitation. I am inviting you to participate in rebuilding our relationship. It takes two.
Because of your history, you have lost my trust and it may take a while before I trust you.
Trust is earned.

1. I feel triggered and angry if you socialize with any female outside of family and work (this includes emails, phone calls, texts and in person). If you choose to do so, I will not touch you sexually or kiss you until I feel safe.
2. When you are in active addict mode (begging for sex or sexual favors, looking at porn, humping me, and touching my breasts or butt), I don't feel safe, therefore I will not sleep in bed with you and will not have sex with you until I feel safe.
3. I am very protective over our daughter in the area of her sexual purity. It makes me upset and angry when you look at porn, therefore I will put an Internet filter and computer monitor on all our computers and electronic devices. I will then use this information to determine when you are safe. Therefore, I will avoid having sex with you as long as you view porn.
4. It devastated me when you had adulterous relationships, therefore if you involve yourself in an adulterous relationship in the future (this includes online and in person affairs and prostitutes). We will then begin another separation and you will have to get an apartment again within 1 month. This separation will progress if the affair relationship does not end until legal actions are taken.

I love you very much and want us to last forever. These are things that you can do to earn my trust. Keep in mind, the longer you take to become safe or trustworthy, the harder it will be for both of us.
1. Attend counseling weekly, don’t just show up, participate and follow instructions. Keep an open mind. This is an opportunity for healing. I recognize that you also have deep wounds, not just me.
2. Attend at least one group meeting per week and participate. Have a sponsor or accountability partner and work through the steps or program.
3. Work on recovery nation couples workshop with me at least weekly (schedule permitting) if we cant work on it together, we can do it separately and then meet when we can.
4. Make time for recovery, make it a priority. If you have to work less, then we will figure out how to make up the difference.
5. Read you bible and pray daily. I can give you a devotional if you want. Or we can do this together. Either way, I do this about 5 out of 7 days per week. I at least try to do this.
6. I am not asking anything of you that I am not already or have already done. I am willing to commit time to my healing and I expect at least equal effort from you as I put into myself.

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