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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2020 10:01 am 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 459
I recently posted the following to my thread:
As well as keeping an eye on others' thread with a view to offering advice, guidance and thoughts, I also take time to read the threads from the Partners' side of the side. Each person obviously has their own story but the theme is very consistent, recounts of the devastation of D Day and how trust can never be rebuilt. It is heart wrenching to read this stuff and even more so knowing that this is exactly what I had done to the person that I love.

The selfishness of an SA is only too apparent and I read in my own and other peoples' threads about how the temptation becomes too great and how we can't help ourselves and give in to the process of acting out. In the cold light of say it is so pathetic, we blame everyone other than the person who actually needs to be blamed, ourselves. I often think about what if it was the other way around, that i had found out that my wife had been off having affairs and paying men to have sex with her. It would be shocking and would also make me feel worthless. Could I have handled that, could our marriage have survived it? Maybe or maybe not but i certainly hoped (selfishly "expected" perhaps?) that she will make ours survive despite what i have done to her. It is no fun when the shoe is on the other foot.

So my point is this, recovery needs all sorts of things, a commitment and desire to succeed, an acceptance of being in the wrong and to make things right again, to take on the significant amount of learning available on RN and to complete the exercises, a will to stick with it when the original wave of fear subsides a few weeks/months after D Day, etc, etc. Key to all of this is to have the right motivation to drive you forwards. Nothing we can do will ever heal the pain we have caused our partners so the VERY LEAST we can do is to have the decency and respect of our partners to give absolutely everything to recover and to do whatever we can to help them heal as far as they can. My suggestion to people on our side of the fence is this, read the threads of those on the other side and gain a much better appreciation of what the consequences of our actions has been. It is easier to read threads of people who we have not affected because we can probably be more objective and less defensive about it all and it will give you some perspective and hopefully the right motivation to push on with your recovery. But remember that if your partner were to post there about the harm you had caused then the story would essentially be the same. So let's do what we can for ourselves to recovery but also let's do everything we can to help our partner's heal too.

My apologies if you happened to pick this up already in stopping by at my thread at the time but i have been encouraged to re-post it here in order to catch a potentially wider audience. There is the added benefit hopefully that those on the partners' forum may be more likely to see it and may take some small degree of comfort that their own posts do not go unnoticed and that they keep in our minds the very reason why our recoveries are so important and which goes way beyond just helping ourselves.

I hope this post provokes some thought and more importantly can help you to better appreciate the pain and hurt that we have caused to our loved ones through the less defensive eyes of reading how our fellow SAs have done the very same thing to theirs. Please feel free to comment as appropriate but above all please take motivation from this post to be mindful of those impacted by our actions and to be honest with ourselves, accept responsibility for it and provide the patience, love and support that is needed by them on their own painful journey.


A clean life; a clear conscience

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