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PostPosted: Thu Apr 01, 2021 6:45 am 
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Joined: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:37 pm
Posts: 36
Hi everyone! I am here because I somehow believe Jon's recovery approach and workshops are unique that can not found anywhere else. I tried to work on workshops alone but I think I didn't make them effectively. I was looking for 'perfect' solution like a blissful effect on me, so I wrote like crazy especially in my native language, Turkish in a word document. I didn't figure out what is the best way to do workshops effectively, handwriting on a paper, word document, posting another recovery forums, or posting on here. I eventually came here because it seemed me that's the place. I apologize if I make mistakes or if I cause misunderstandings. English is not my native language and probably a human language has no an ending point, there is a constant learning, so do I. If I continuing to look over the perfect way to recovering or doing workshops, I probably never found a way out. So I start without perfection, nobody and no situation is perfect. Even this can be applicable to life, you need to start somewhere, even if you have no success. Honestly, I was overwhelmed with my internet pornography induced dopamine addiction, my life and even workshops. Because I could not focus them enough. I literally see Jon's workshops are the best way of understanding psychological and human way of the addiction.

A little summary, I am 22 years old college student who try to find a way out in a long time. I think addiction is not about the level of IQ, background, races, ages et cetera. Anyone is vulnerable to addictions in an available context. When I was a kid, I was just enjoying my life, living simple, confortable, with inner peace and emotional depth. I was just happy with my life and I was top straight A student. I was really enjoying in all areas of my life, I had great hobbies like chess to give me real emotional satisfaction, I was attended a lot of different tournaments in my city and I was successful and satisfied in all areas of life even just little things gave me joy. Then you know addiction's classic 'sensitization-desensitization' brain changes. You eventually see your addiction most interesting thing in the world. I had my first computer when I was 11 with high-speed internet and In first I found porn was really interesting and eventually I used porn to cope with my all emotions and escape from life. Whenever I felt sad, depressed, having bad day, rejected I got my fix. I always knew I had a problem but I could not understand enough, then things got worse and worse. I had really difficulties whenever I try to concentrate on tasks, I started to acting in a way out of my character, I had clinical depression when I was 17, had social anxiety and moreover. Things out of control and I googled my problem, I found videos, articles and other different forums but the problem was I could not stop whenever I tried. I had a huge struggle with my addiction, I literally overanalyzed everything. "Where am I missing, what is the thing I could not make right" etc. There was a point in my life even with my unbeliavable consumption of porn, I was successful but I eventually have lost my health, quality of life and my values. This was not of course sustainable. You can not overcome this addiction with just abstinence but whenever I tried it, in my sophomore year of high school I got unbeliavable results in my grades and quality of life. Then I binged to porn like crazy. I thought that "I am doing my best." "Why can't I stop, why am I different from other people, they have just a normal life" etc. I eventually lost nearly all areas of my life and became a straight F student. I am never been kissed virgin, my brain can't react to real woman, I conditioned myself to pixels and I have erectile dysfunction. All of them are not problem for me, I just want to find my way in life, I see a lot of users they are worring too much about these physical symptoms. I think finding a way in the life and knowing myself, self-mastery is more important. I asked myself "How could I came this point? This is not real me." I don't want to go much details but I really overwhelmed addiction's vicious cycle, thousand of times. Relapse and recovery. I just want to live a normal, simple life without worring about my addiction or fear of relapse. I really want to experience the real life. Even I have mastered the addiction, I believe in my heart addiction is not my fate. I want one, sustainable, long-term, healthy and permanent recovery.

_________________
"It's impossible for me to be the kind of person I want to be and still be using porn."


Last edited by Armada on Thu Apr 01, 2021 8:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 01, 2021 6:47 am 
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Joined: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:37 pm
Posts: 36
Laying the Foundation for Permanent Change

Lesson 1 Exercises:

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change


This is really hard thing to do I think. I always thought this is real addiction and I was always serious about it. I had a lot of recovery attempts, initial euphoria will eventually fades. This always happens. I found myself tons of times being stuck, chained position that I could not move in my life and emotional stimulation from my addiction is no longer the case and even I was triggering with a little stress. I want to have my normal life. Addiction is a learned thing and if I conditioned myself to get a dopamine high, a neurological brain event from internet pornography, I can unlearn to not get high from it and learn to manage my life without addiction. I am not the only one who got addicted to porn, and sadly I will not the last one. A lot of people in the world recovered from addiction and they had their healthy/dream life. I have absolute honesty and confidence to I will do it and I will learn ability to manage my life in a healthy and effective ways. We have only one life in this world and I want to use my remaining time to pursue the life I really want, in a healthy, meaningful way. A lot of things can happen to us, traumatic experiences, abusing families, addictions, financial loss, death etc. For example I am circumcised and I hate to being circumcised, this sometimes really saddens me because my parents gave this genital mutilation permission without my consent when I was a defenseless kid. But I don’t let this affect my entire life negatively, to pursuing my dreams or even getting real, satisfying intimacy and I don’t let this prevent to live my life the fullest potential, pursuing my dreams. I found myself a lot of different times being in stuck with my addiction. But I will change, I know I will change. I won’t let anything, even me, my false beliefs and wrong actions to prevent this change happening. I believe in my core self there is a wonderful person inside of me. I want to reborn. Even if the worst thing happens, I know I will pursue healthy way. Honestly, I can’t argue against, this is really the most challenging thing in my life, really difficult. Addiction will tell lies, it will punish me to killing it, it will whisper in my ears but I will face my fears in a real and honest ways. I will really take real actions and I want to rebuild my life.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
Especially in early recovery this guilt/shame plays a role it will fades eventually but sometimes I have regrets in my past came with those feelings. I won’t allow to this emotions take control over my life. . I don’t want to struggle a year later or five years later or more. If I want to get Z point, I am starting to the A point. I am certain change will eventually occur, it always does.
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Life is always go straight, it does not go back. I want to forget my clean days because overcoming an addiction is more than abstinence. I am addicted most of my life. I constantly abused my dopamine system for more than a decade and addiction became my main emotional management system. I don’t expect change will occur suddenly because I didn’t get this addiction in one night, I constantly and constantly used it for many years even worst possible ways. I have relapse-recovery cycle maybe millions of times but the truth is I used, there is no explanation for this. I made this decision. And now I make healtier decision. I don’t want to struggle a year later or five years later or more. I am preparing myself to the worst things and worst withdrawals and even feeling nothing. Instead of escaping them, I try to embrace them because they are the healthy part of recovering. They are the only way to getting out. In this particular moment, I am really uncomfortable but you know saying “Life is like a piano, black keys also make music.” I want to get a balanced, healthy, connected, satisfying, deep life. So I embrace bad emotions and even emotionless. I know I will change my life. Everybody can change. No doubt, it will take time. I will be a different and mature person in the other side. I will find my uniqueness like my childhood.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life.

1. I want to find my real character, life purpose, who am I exactly , purpose of living and being, what I want exactly from life and my real potential.

2. I want to regain my confidence, potential and dreams. I want to realize what I always wanted to do and I want to have control back in my life.

3. I want to live simple, normal life without pornography. If I want to normal life and change my life, addiction should go away completely from my life.

4. I want to build my ideal self, who I am proud of. My family, friends, nephews, partner and kids(future) needs me and so they proud of me when they look me feel it like “He is a wonderful person.”

5. I want to close up the addiction’s dark door and open up my brighter future, healthy, normal, realistic life. I want to take my control and autonomy back. So I want to kill the addiction, left behind me.

6. Life is really short and I want to pursue a meaningful life. Everytime I watch porn, I lose my limited energy and time. I want to sensitize to real life. I want to get real life experiences that I will say “I’m glad I live like this.” We have limited time to getting maturity with our values.

7. I want to stay healthy. Physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually. Everytime I stay away from pornography and pursue a healthy life, I am developing and my brain creates new neural pathways, so I become healtier. I want to become successful at the life again. Recovery is more about abstinence but everytime I stay clean, I choose the right decision more, I can delay gratification more. Everytime I stay clean, I know myself more, happier with my values. From my experiences, whenever I end this cycle, I got physically healty, stable life, I have a fresh feeling mentally.

8. I want to pursue real, loving relationship. Only a real person can love me back, not pixels. Rest of my life, I want to be with a real woman who cares and loves me, not pixels or my hand.

9. I want to have real, successful life. Because I deserve better place in this world. Life requires real efforts if you want to gain anything. I want to use my limited energy to create better world and make an impact. So I want to learn better ways to use this sexual energy to a better way. I want to have better control over myself, that’s why I want to quit my compulsive behaviour. I want to be free.

10. I want to change my view of women. Porn has affected my view of women. I want to see them like pre-porn days. Just normal human beings. Instead of helping sex trafficing with constant clicking, I can be a better human being overall and have integrity.

11. I want to utilize my limited time and money in a better ways. Myself and other humans who loves me create resources for me. I also struggling, so I want to see the results of this effort.

12. I am tired and overwhelmed with this addiction. There should be an end. And this end is about my consciouss efforts. I’m sick of the same cycle and life’s hitting on me again and again and that I can’t respond back to it. I want to get our of my comfort zone and experience real life.

13. I want to experience respect myself and other’s respect. I want to be wiser myself and status and leadership potential. This path is essential to get a healtier, happier, better life overall.

14. I want to create the life that I admire and I want to have the point I always dreamed. Life can e sometimes unexpected but I want to create a better life that includes meaningful relationships and working experience. I want to see different places and meet a lot of different people, making quality contacts. I just don’t want to survive but really want to feel alive and live and I want to put values to the life, enrich it, experience it. I want to have good memories about my limited life.

15. I want to end this addiction story, put it behind of me, forever. I want to get a point that I don’t need to think about my pornography addiction anymore. Just feel normal and acting normally. Having a simple life. I want to reach my fully potential and I want to feel like just a little kid. I want to reach my ideals and my specific purposes. I want to experience the joy of life, I will protect my values and I believe in myself with my all heart.

C. Childhood picture exercise:
I found this exercise is quite beneficial and impressing. I want to connect him he was just a little kid in some old photos when I was 3. I was happier and in the moment, innocent. This kid is confused, had a wrong directions and decisions. Now as an adult, I will find a way out to get healtier path. I know there can be a different path, unique and good path. Addiction is not his fate. This kid can play better with his life. Experience adulthood and emotional maturity in a real way. He deserves a better life.

_________________
"It's impossible for me to be the kind of person I want to be and still be using porn."


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 01, 2021 6:56 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4053
Location: UK
Hello Armada
Quote:
I want one, sustainable, long-term, healthy and permanent recovery.


and if you want this enough to totally commit then you can achieve your aim
however
you are currently posing in the wromng forum
this is the community forum which is there to ask questions etc (not a chat room though)
you should copy your posts and paste them in the recovery forum

looking forwards to seeing your progress
welcome to this community

perhaps a quick look at the forum posting rules might be a good idea

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 01, 2021 8:15 am 
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Joined: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:37 pm
Posts: 36
Kenzo wrote:
Hello Armada
Quote:
I want one, sustainable, long-term, healthy and permanent recovery.


and if you want this enough to totally commit then you can achieve your aim
however
you are currently posing in the wromng forum
this is the community forum which is there to ask questions etc (not a chat room though)
you should copy your posts and paste them in the recovery forum

looking forwards to seeing your progress
welcome to this community

perhaps a quick look at the forum posting rules might be a good idea


I am really sorry, is there any way to delete this thread completely? I could not find it anywhere. When I realized it, I posted it in self help recovery forum. Before I joined this forum I was reading other people's recovery threads lots of times in self-help recovery forum but even though I can't understand I why posted wrong forum. Thanks.

_________________
"It's impossible for me to be the kind of person I want to be and still be using porn."


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